Rant- DH left for OW and she's already doing cooking, cleaning, etc

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Just wanted to rant if I may, please be kind, it's really difficult.

DH left after 18 year relationship (we are getting divorced) last autumn. We have two DDs (5 and 2). Found in Januarynof this year that he'd been having an affair with ex colleague whose childless and 10 years younger than me, 6 years younger than him.

I meet OW yesterday for a chat- I was desperate to meet her because she's been spending lots of time with DDs, putting them to bed, reading stories after having met them twice on the playground.

After some back and forth, she agreed to meet- it was an "awkward" meeting... to sit opposite the woman my DH had had an affair with, but I wanted to meet the woman who is spending lot of time with our DDs (don't know of that makes sense to anyone- most of my friends said I was mad for wanting to meet her).

Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in, we had an ok conversation and I am glad I was brave enough to face her (I don't want things to be awkward for DDs when they talk about her)

DDs know we've met and hopefully it will "normalize" things for them

Anyway, the meeting has.brought up a lot of feelings for me and one of them is rage.

OW told me that she spends so much time with DDs at our old marital.apartment to help STBXH with household chores, cooking cleaning, laundry and helping with the girls.

STBXH has DDs for two nights a week, one being a weekday where he picks them.up from nursery in the afternoon and drops them there again in the morning and one weekend day

And I don't know why this makes me.so angry... that he's already fallen on his feet with OW who helps him around the house, takes care of the kids and all.

I think it's the unfairness of it all, he betrayed me, I'm left to pick up the pieces and have DDs on my own, while he already has a lot of support.

And I guess she does it because she loves him, but it still somehow makes.me.angry and I am.not quite sure why?!and I.guess it was to be expected, but I can't shake this feeling.

Can anyone relate? Need a handhold...

I feel.like I'm the loser in this game and he wins.
Booh!

When will this devastating pain end?

Thanks for reading

I've decided to create myself an "I Slay" Jar (have been listening to a lot of Beyonce lately...)

Everytime I do something that scares me- whether it's meeting OW, taking the girls swimming on my own, going on a date eventhough I've sworn off men...

I will put some.money in the jar and when it's full, I will buy myself something nice.

To celebrate my courage and my strength!

Hope everyone is having a good day!

That's a great idea. Progress needs acknowledgement.

I'd swap OW label for skivvy too. She's no longer getting the benefits of an affair, just the grind.

This might make you feel better..
My ex split up with his previous partner a month or so before we met. She thinks we had an affair but I'd genuinely never spoken to him until a colleague told me he was single.
We moved in together fairly quick and I was doing a lot for their children. I was doing cooking, baths, cleaning, washing clothes etc. I know his ex was really upset. What she couldn't see was that he was giving me a dogs life behind the scenes, really demanding and controlling, and it really wasn't all nice it was just me making sure the kids got what they needed as there were definite gaps in his parenting

Well done @Mensuckbigtime for grasping your courage in both fists and using it productively. 👏

It's good to get angry, because anger is energy and you can use that.

Here's a book you might find useful ;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Win-Your-Breakup-That-Away-ebook/dp/B09NCDR3X3

She probably guessed, since he would have done the exact same thing to her and she'd have been aware of what a crap dad he was.

Just.bought it

Thanks

It's brilliant - I wish it had been written years ago when I needed it !!

Going out on a limb here …
”Anyway, she welled up as soon as I came in,” doesn’t sound to me like a confident “I’ve got it all , I’m happy ” women . It sounds like someone who is struggling emotionally - and is probably having quite a lot of confusion about how she’s got herself into a situation where she’s embroiled on a 1:1 conversation with the mother of 2 girls she is only just getting to know

I suspect it won’t last long, op

BUT, I’d advise stop beating yourself up with thinking about the “why her, why not me” . You are grieving for the loss of your marriage, it will take time to accept it. I’d advise looking up the “grief pathway” on the internet (ok, usually used for people whose partner has died, but is applicable to any loss) . That’ll perhaps help you make some sense of some of the way you feel, emotions you’re dealing with. Anger is part of that, as is bargaining, or is denial and I should think you’ve been cycling through most of those. It will get better.

Indeed. All of the sneery posts about the new girlfriend washing this man's underwear are ignoring the fact that the op was happily doing the same thing until he left.

Another annoying thing is that so many posters seem to think it's right and fitting that she should have this punishment... like the sexually incontinent, shitty husband and father should have a new woman slaving as he's merely an agent of her just comeuppance and not the arsehole responsible for the whole thing.

Don't really get your point at all... we were, actually are still married...

And yes, I look after his.children... our children.

And FYI, when I was dating him for a few months, I was NOT washing his dirty underwear. We moved in together after four years together...

But nice try😀

Totally agree. She's not to blame, he is and if you've read my previous posts, I've continually said this and have also said this to her.

He's the asshole!

The more I think about it, the more I feel sorry for her. She's just another pawn in his cruel game

I've a!ways wondered do these women who have affairs with married men with young children and leave the family think can this man ever be trusted? Will she always wonder what is he up to when the honey moon period is over? And what if she has children of her own and she left with all the children and it will be hard? Nope, poor woman has not landed on her feet and he is a deceitful lying man child and he hasn't either.

Moonsun88
I've often thought some of these women are picked for their age, less life experience, and whether they're easily convinced by the script (the whole love my kids but me and wife never have sex, we're basically room mates, you're so different to wife, you'd never .... ) .

It's almost like some men enjoy painting a picture of how awful and unreasonable their wife was, leaving the next young thing desperate to prove that she's not like the wife.

The younger woman is responsible for her actions, but it's interesting how often the other woman is much younger and very quickly drafted in to being the domestic one.

Too true.

In my case the OW lived at home with mum, was 12 years younger, had never been to Uni or lived away from home and had no qualifications. So she was happy to be a 'sexual housekeeper' - I wasn't !