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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

234 replies

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 15:55

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

OP posts:
guineacup · 08/07/2023 15:29

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 14:52

No he hasn’t forced me but he has said I’ll be miserable if I leave him

And you're not miserable now?!

guineacup · 08/07/2023 15:31

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 14:50

He says it’s shallow for sex to be the glue to a relationship or a dealbreaker. Maybe that’s why I stayed this long to not seem as if I’m superficial. However the real issue here is the lack of concern for my feelings, needs and wants.
Anyway I’ve had enough posts to show me he’s wrong for me, I made a poor choice, I’m stupid having stayed so long and not only must end it but do some soul searching

Really pleased that you've realised this isn't normal and you need to end it. Sometimes it's easy to normalise crap when you're in the midst of it without any point of reference.

Mari9999 · 08/07/2023 16:48

@Nikky1976

Even after having lived 40+plus years, you believe everything that he says is true or correct

He told you that you were going to be miserable and you did not recognize that you were already miserable?

pendleflyer · 08/07/2023 16:52

LauraNorda · 07/07/2023 15:57

Stock answer on here is to dump him but this time I have to agree.

know what you mean on first sentence :)
but from what read so far tend to agree.
If that's an accurate description of the situation, who the hell does he think he is?
why do you stand for this OP?

viques · 08/07/2023 16:58

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 06:37

It’s not MY opinion. He’s the one makes out body size and looks matter

But in your first post you clearly said it as something you thought, you didn’t ascribe it to him.

Iwantitidontwantit · 08/07/2023 17:54

I don't have anything more to add than to say I hope you find happiness op, you deserve a fulfilling and equal relationship. Good luck and don't settle for someone who isn't good to you.

Anklespraying · 08/07/2023 18:25

Don't forget to tell us how you get on and for support.

wizzbitt · 08/07/2023 20:29

Get rid.
Get sex toys and a toy boy.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 03:03

Thank you. He’s tried to insinuate I’m the whole problem and it’s in my head - reckons I have mental health issues and I’m creating problems. I’m at the point where even if I am the problem, clearly the relationship isn’t working and it’s time to say bye

OP posts:
SolarPoweredHuman · 09/07/2023 03:31

You're not stupid. He sounds manipulative. It's good that you have realised. Trust yourself and how you feel, not what he says.

billy1966 · 09/07/2023 05:43

Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 03:03

Thank you. He’s tried to insinuate I’m the whole problem and it’s in my head - reckons I have mental health issues and I’m creating problems. I’m at the point where even if I am the problem, clearly the relationship isn’t working and it’s time to say bye

Who cares about his self serving narrative.

He's a selfish sleazy old user that ogles lady boys🤢🤮.

How any woman could get that proclivity is beyond me.

That image of those lone old men sleazing over the lady boys doing karaoke in bars from nearly 30 years ago has never been erased 🤢.

He gaslights you because his old arse will need a skivvy in the near future, house and dog minder.

Apologies for being harsh but you would truly have to have something lacking in you to be signing up for this future.

Dunp him without any discussion and get some counselling to build your confidence.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 05:55

I definitely don’t have much confidence in myself and I’ve always gotten along better with older people. But as you say there’s too many red flags here to make it work

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 07:30

He’s old, selfish, lazy, verbally abusive and wanks himself silly to ladyboy porn.

I’m glad you’re going to dump this shitshow. Don’t hang about.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 07:57

He says everyone has things that will annoy or upset them about one another - which is true but these are fairly significant issues

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 09/07/2023 08:11

Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 07:57

He says everyone has things that will annoy or upset them about one another - which is true but these are fairly significant issues

Are you still hesitant over what to do…?

piedbeauty · 09/07/2023 08:16

63 and shit in bed? He won't change. Dump him and move on.

FinallyHere · 09/07/2023 08:26

these are fairly significant issues

We are all violently agreeing with you.

How are you doing, do you have a plan to go? Do you have somewhere you can go to? Can you support yourself independently?

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 08:28

No I’m not. Hence my comment the issues here are too significant to ignore

OP posts:
Back21970 · 09/07/2023 08:36

Please dump him OP - the more you update the more horrible he sounds.

Being on your own for the rest of your life would be preferable to staying with him.

47 is still young anyway IMO, plenty time to meet someone else and have a nice life

He’s not going to change, you deserve a lot better ❤️

Luckydip1 · 09/07/2023 08:41

If he watches ladyboy porn maybe he is bisexual?

heartofglass23 · 09/07/2023 08:51

LTB

This is awful!

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 08:53

Making a split is hardest initially especially the longer you’ve been with someone and I’m unfortunately codependent to a large degree. However it will give me time to work on myself, make improvements, try rebuild confidence and I hope when I’m least expecting it, I’ll meet someone loving

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 09/07/2023 08:56

His opinion is a younger man wouldn’t tolerate me as he wouldn’t have the patience. I’m lucky he’s older as he’s more tolerant. There’s a lid for every pot. If I’m so hard to manage, there’ll be someone out there will want to and be able to handle me

OP posts:
Anklespraying · 09/07/2023 09:15

When you dump him tell him you repeated all the things he says to you to mumsnet and the unanimous answer was that he's the problem, not you.

xyz111 · 09/07/2023 09:27

So when you seeing him to dump him Op? Actually don't even see him, he doesn't deserve it. Text, block, move on. Life's too short!!!!

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