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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

234 replies

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 15:55

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

OP posts:
Qbish · 07/07/2023 15:55

He's selfish, and lazy. Do what he says, and find someone else!

EthicalNonMahogany · 07/07/2023 15:56

He sounds awful. I don't usually say this but bloody hell, just leave him! At 63 and a shit lover, he's not the prize here!!

Qbish · 07/07/2023 15:56

He's not going to change, OP. Why exactly are you with him?

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 07/07/2023 15:56

Yeah, I’d follow his advice and go find a toy boy

life’s too short for shit sex

LauraNorda · 07/07/2023 15:57

Stock answer on here is to dump him but this time I have to agree.

tescocreditcard · 07/07/2023 15:57

I thought "ladies first" was an unwritten rule. I'd have put him straight the very first time we had sex and I hadn't had an orgasm.

Makemyday99 · 07/07/2023 15:59

Find someone else who will pleasure you. I would expect that selfish behaviour from an inexperienced teenager but not a 63 yo man. What a waster

SwirlyShirly · 07/07/2023 15:59

"I'm not fat and ugly" aha, well that's ok then! Hmm

Backstreets · 07/07/2023 15:59

63 and hasn’t located the clitoris yet? It’s not happening.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/07/2023 16:00

Leave him to his porn and take the advice he gave you, he only cares about himself and always will, he won't change except perhaps get even more selfish.

Positivelypatient · 07/07/2023 16:03

I wouldnt be putting up with that. You say 'it hurts' - I hope you mean your feelings rather than he hurts you during sex (although obviously hurt feelings arent ok either). In any case, why are you still with him? he sounds nasty.

crumpet · 07/07/2023 16:04

Bin him. It’s not good sex if only one person gets any pleasure, and he’s shown no interest in trying to have good sex. Life is far too short.

ContractQuestion · 07/07/2023 16:04

Why on earth are you with him fgs?!

WhatADrabCarpet · 07/07/2023 16:05

You deserve so much better than that.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:07

his favourite porn is ladyboys but he says he’s not bisexual. Regardless, it is a confidence killer when he chooses it over me and tells me to go buy myself sex toys to use on myself.

OP posts:
BigPussyEnergy · 07/07/2023 16:07

I’ve never been with a man who only cares about his own pleasure. It just wouldn’t happen. Have higher standards for yourself. Plenty of men want you to have fun too, and some actively enjoy it as much if not more than their own fun.

TeeBee · 07/07/2023 16:07

Okay, you lost me at shouting and swearing, let alone the shite sex. Surely you're not so desperate for company that you need to put up with this crap. Other (better) men are available.

ContractQuestion · 07/07/2023 16:08

So why are you with him or do you just want to talk porn with middle aged women?

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:09

Yes hurt feelings. He’s had his fair share of lovers and I doubt he was so nonchalant with them. If he doesn’t care for my feelings and needs sexually then I’m doubting he cares about me at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:10

I’m not sure what you mean here?

OP posts:
BigPussyEnergy · 07/07/2023 16:10

Ans this has been a couple of YEARS?! WTF, dump him now

deedee36 · 07/07/2023 16:12

Unfortunately men with porn addiction become extremely selfish. They tend to objectify women, hence the reason why he is only satisfying himself. If he is not aware of his addiction and take the right steps in dealing with it, then I'm afraid you will have to leave the relationship. Porn addiction is like any other type of addiction, it alters your brain and the way you perceive your reality.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:17

He’s tried to justify it saying it’s easiest at his age. Even if that’s the case, I don’t feel he should ignore my needs and could make an effort but he makes zero effort. When I’ve mentioned about the overviewing of porn he told me to stop being a c* about it

OP posts:
TeeBee · 07/07/2023 16:17

Wowsers, why the hell are you with this piece of shit?

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 16:17

Why would you date someone that shouts and swear at you?

Let alone some dirty old man who watches porn and thinks sex is just for him and not for your pleasure.

Raise the barr op.
At 47 I'd be looking for a hot young 40 something toyboy who treated me well in all areas of the relationship. Especially the bedroom.