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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

234 replies

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 15:55

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/07/2023 12:47

@Nikky1976

It’s not about you ‘having’ or ‘not having what it takes to interest you’.
Men’ a testosterone starts declining after 50. And even more so after 60.
They age quickly; become grumpier; and not the best version of themselves.
NOTHING to do with you.

He faked it for a short time to woo you. That’s all that happened.

And he saw he could use your low self esteem against you very effectively.

Give your head a shake. Plenty of my friends of late 40s and early 50s - are enjoying fulfilling sexual lives with men closer in age. Some divorced ones are even branching out to cougar land.
None of them would give a 60+ man a second look.

After all - if you actually want to have a relationship that goes the distance - do you want to be with a 70+ yo while in your 50s?
Get out of there. Get yourself a man who is able to have sex and enjoy life.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:14

No I don’t. He will be retiring in 18 months and travelling where he will be away months at a time. I’m years away from retirement so I’ll be stuck looking after his home and animals. Then one day when I’m retired, he’s way too old to do anything with me if he’s even alive

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/07/2023 13:17

@Nikky1976

So why are you clinging to this man and this set up that doesn’t work for your life?
Did he make you this insecure about your attractiveness and ability to meet a partner?
Or does it predate this relationship?

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:21

I wasn’t overly confident due to a divorce but I can admit my self esteem has nose dived since meeting him. This is why I’ve reached out for advice and now know it’s not me being an annoying, immature woman - I need to get out this relationship

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 08/07/2023 13:30

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:21

I wasn’t overly confident due to a divorce but I can admit my self esteem has nose dived since meeting him. This is why I’ve reached out for advice and now know it’s not me being an annoying, immature woman - I need to get out this relationship

Sounds like you've had a tough time OP. We're all with you. You deserve better.
I've been through similar with my now ExH so I do understood how they mess with your head so that you question yourself and start to believe that you're the problem when actually they are. They destroy your self belief and have a way of manipulating whatever you say to make you feel like you're in the wrong.
It won't be easy to get away and be prepared for him to go all nice to try to persuade you to stay but he won't change.
Be strong and one day you'll look back and think, thank god I left!

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 13:30

Hope you don't live with him and its easy enough to get away.

I'd be inclined to do it over the phone (even just by text if possible). He sounds like a manipulative sort of person who will start trying to make out you 'have issues' when you go to break up with him. Better to be able to say your piece and just hang up tbh.

I'd be giving it 'this clearly isn't working anymore so let's call it a day. All the best with your future endeavours'. Then block once he has read it. Also, screenshot it it first so you can prove you sent it and he saw it. Just incase he turns out to be a harasser and you need the evidence you'd told him it was over.

Know it might seem 'harsh' but it's not. This man has been abusive towards you. You.dont.owe.him.anything.

MMmomDD · 08/07/2023 13:30

@Nikky1976

Yes - divorce can take a lot out of us.

But at the same time - it’s a new lease on life. And a chance to experience and do things we haven’t done before.
Do you have a support network of friends? Any divorced friends too? Those are invaluable as you can draw strength and lean on each other.
Do you have hobbies?
Do you take care of yourself? Go to the gym? Do hair? Etc

Look at your life and see what you can do to help rebuild your life. You are not old yet. Not young, but really not old yet.

We will be one day, in not so distant future. But for now - it’s too early to give up and start feeling like grandma’s….

Ditch the man who is dragging you down

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 13:36

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:14

No I don’t. He will be retiring in 18 months and travelling where he will be away months at a time. I’m years away from retirement so I’ll be stuck looking after his home and animals. Then one day when I’m retired, he’s way too old to do anything with me if he’s even alive

Bloody hell OP, you deserve so much better than this grumpy pensioner.

@MMmomDD is on the money, he will only get worse.

I have heard this said about so many men, they get into old man mode far quicker than most women.

Don't be used any further by him.

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 13:38

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2023 13:30

Hope you don't live with him and its easy enough to get away.

I'd be inclined to do it over the phone (even just by text if possible). He sounds like a manipulative sort of person who will start trying to make out you 'have issues' when you go to break up with him. Better to be able to say your piece and just hang up tbh.

I'd be giving it 'this clearly isn't working anymore so let's call it a day. All the best with your future endeavours'. Then block once he has read it. Also, screenshot it it first so you can prove you sent it and he saw it. Just incase he turns out to be a harasser and you need the evidence you'd told him it was over.

Know it might seem 'harsh' but it's not. This man has been abusive towards you. You.dont.owe.him.anything.

Excellent advice.

You fortunately do not live with him so text will do.

Don't get dragged into a manipulative chat.

You owe him nothing.

Nousername4now · 08/07/2023 13:47

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:07

his favourite porn is ladyboys but he says he’s not bisexual. Regardless, it is a confidence killer when he chooses it over me and tells me to go buy myself sex toys to use on myself.

I know some women that watch lesbian porn but have no interest in being with a woman. I think it's just a fantasy, however most men I know wouldn't watch any type of porn they are not sexually attracted in doing... I'm sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like he isn't attracted to you and is most likely interested in ladyboys... You are beautiful inside and out and deserve better than an old fart lol

Soozikinzii · 08/07/2023 13:50

Honestly, I think you're wasting your time . As you get older, this will only get worse . My DH is 6 years older than me, and it has become more noticeable as we've aged . Just get out while you can !

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:51

I appreciate the encouragement and sorry you had a difficult marriage. When I’ve tried to discuss issues with this boyfriend, he will tell me I’m being ridiculous and intense and no ‘normal’ woman will carry on the way I do. So I’ve let a lot slide to keep the peace and believing I’m over the top, too hard to handle. However after all the input on this thread, it’s given me confidence that I’m not delusional

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:54

I live in my own place. He offered me to move in once but then made a comment of at least we both work so we won’t spend too much time together so I don’t annoy the F*ck out of him. That comment put me off moving in

OP posts:
Anklespraying · 08/07/2023 13:56

I don't think he's interested in normal women if his preference is for ladyboys.

You are being used, hard to tell what for as he doesn't even seem to like you very much.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 08/07/2023 13:56

You keep going on and on about this worthless bloke, he’s irrelevant. You need to do extensive work on your standards, self esteem and spotting huge signs that a male is not fit to date. This nonsense should never have got past 1 date.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:56

I have friends my age, younger and older. I do have outside hobbies and interests. Admittedly most of my friends are partnered and do things as couples but I do have some supports

OP posts:
Nousername4now · 08/07/2023 13:58

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:54

I live in my own place. He offered me to move in once but then made a comment of at least we both work so we won’t spend too much time together so I don’t annoy the F*ck out of him. That comment put me off moving in

Sounds like a miserable old fart and and narcissistic personality, please get out while you can, you have been through enough already... I would stop speaking to him for a while and see if he contacts you and if he does and his behaviour changes then he has realised his actions and words towards you was out of order if not then oh well plenty more fish in the sea... Good luck you got this

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 14:03

Maybe just a convenience for the future if I was going to still be with him so he’s got somebody to housesit and dog sit etcetera when he’s retired and travelling. Look after him in old age?

OP posts:
marshmallowfinder · 08/07/2023 14:05

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 06:37

It’s not MY opinion. He’s the one makes out body size and looks matter

Then he's actually shallow and superficial, as well as all his other off-putting characteristics.

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 14:10

I lived in the Far East for several years and remember the lady boys and the type of sleazy older men that pursued them.

They had zero interest in women, they are a very specific taste IMO.

billy1966 · 08/07/2023 14:11

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 14:03

Maybe just a convenience for the future if I was going to still be with him so he’s got somebody to housesit and dog sit etcetera when he’s retired and travelling. Look after him in old age?

My money is he will be "travelling" in the Far East.

Let that sleaze ball pay for house/dog sitting.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 14:14

He did say he’s been to Thailand before and wants to go there again. Apparently cheaper dentists there!

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItsNot · 08/07/2023 14:17

Whatever. What do you plan to do to avoid such low quality, walking red flags in future?

Macaroni46 · 08/07/2023 14:19

Nikky1976 · 08/07/2023 13:56

I have friends my age, younger and older. I do have outside hobbies and interests. Admittedly most of my friends are partnered and do things as couples but I do have some supports

You could try the MeetUp app. I found it a great way to make new friends when I was going through my separation. I found there were more people there who were in a similar position to me and it was useful to have the new friends to supplement the existing ones who whilst lovely, were partnered up. Interestingly, a lot of people who I'd considered happily partnered up turned out not to me and opened up to me about it once I was single.

Nousername4now · 08/07/2023 14:19

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 08/07/2023 14:17

Whatever. What do you plan to do to avoid such low quality, walking red flags in future?

That's unhelpful, no need for the "whatever"to start off with

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