My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

[Nikky1976]

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

No gifts. A handful of dinners and offered to loan me money if I’m short which I don’t have to repay in a hurry

So why are you with him?

What would he have to do to make you leave?

Why are you still with him

Probably because if I hang around for the good moments and hope are back points will change. But more the point that he seems to manage to convince me that I am overreacting and being too demanding and his behaviours are normal

@Nikky1976 It is so great that you've realised you're in a shitty relationship. You deserve so much better!

The trouble is when you put up with this shitty behaviour you start to feel that you probably deserve it, so it does wear away at your confidence and self-esteem eventually, not to mention that you miss out on the possibility of a great relationship with a man who isn't like this.

Honestly, his behaviour is really shocking and you should not put up with this any more. The sooner you can get away the better!

I agree. He has made comments that I can go find myself someone great in bed but he guarantees I won’t like much else about that man except his sexual ability

Dear god.

He's let himself go so badly he can only get off watching men with breasts.

For goodness sake. Get away from him. There's a reason he's single. He's a GAMP.

Abstract
Background
Gynandromorphophilia (GAMP) is sexual interest in gynandromorphs (GAMs; colloquially, shemales). GAMs possess a combination of male and female physical characteristics. Thus, GAMP presents a challenge to conventional understandings of sexual orientation as sexual attraction to the male v. female form. Speculation about GAMP men has included the ideas that they are homosexual, heterosexual, or especially, bisexual.

Method
We compared genital and subjective sexual arousal patterns of GAMP men with those of heterosexual and homosexual men. We also compared these groups on their self-ratings of sexual orientation and sexual interests.

Results
GAMP men had arousal patterns similar to those of heterosexual men and different from those of homosexual men. However, compared to heterosexual men, GAMP men were relatively more aroused by GAM erotic stimuli than by female erotic stimuli. GAMP men also scored higher than both heterosexual and homosexual men on a measure of autogynephilia.

Conclusions
Results provide clear evidence that GAMP men are not homosexual. They also indicate that GAMP men are especially likely to eroticize the idea of being a woman.
https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/abs/who-are-gynandromorphophilic-men-characterizing-men-with-sexual-interest-in-transgender-women/C53A4234C8AD66052EEB4701E78A82BE#

He claims it’s completely normal 😩

Nope. When I tried to speak with a past boyfriend about sex and he shouted at me, it was over.

do NOT put up with this. If he can’t even have a conversation about your needs, you are not in a relationship; you’re a servant. Just absolutely no

It’s hard to find any good men out there, but there are some better than this.

He has said I must not try change him or make him feel like a lesser human. He likes who he is and in his opinion he treats me well and has treated all his girlfriends well

Multiple people have asked this and I’m yet to see you respond. What are you getting out of this relationship? What positives does this man bring to your life?

And please don’t tell me what he says he brings to your life.

Who cares what he says? Talk is cheap and he is showing you he doesn't give a shit about you. You will be his carer before you know it because of the age gap. Is this what you want for your life?

“He has said I must not try change him or make him feel like a lesser human. He likes who he is and in his opinion he treats me well and has treated all his girlfriends well”

So what? It doesn’t matter what he thinks. It matters what you think. You need to be able to back yourself in this. He’s lazy and shit in bed. Sounds like he has an Inflated opinion of himself and very low standards for how he treats his GFs. I’ve never been with a single man who didn’t care about my pleasure. Good lovers care about their partner’s pleasure. You can stay or walk away, OP, but this is who he is and he doesn’t sound like enough to me.

In the beginning he was great. He seemed so nice and enthusiastic. Affectionate, good conversationalist, seemingly good morals and values. I respected his work ethic, cleanliness, intelligence, seeming good bond with his two grown children. I’ve spent all this time hoping he would go back to the man he was in the early days.

Yes, of course if you were 'fat and ugly', he'd be entitled to treat you this way. 🙄🙄🙄 That's an appalling comment OP.

It’s not MY opinion. He’s the one makes out body size and looks matter

Why are you still with a selfish pig of a lover for all this time. If he doesn't pleasure you leave him to his gay porn. Don't let him touch you again. Look for a man who knows what to do.

I will. Better to be single than not valued and appreciated

Thank you for everyone taking time to post and helping me make a sensible decision. Appreciate it

So why didn't you pack him in then?

@Nikky1976

You are 47 - only 47!

Why date someone this much older, who is treating you like crap?
There are plenty of men, closer to you in age, who are able and willing to have sex and will care about your pleasure too.
Don’t waste you time with someone like him.

I don’t honestly have an answer other than I’ve been hoping he will go back to that version of himself and that I have what it takes to interest him

I'm by so glad to read your posts and learn that you have realised that life doesn't have to be like this

As women, we are very much socialised to try and make things work, and to take any blame when things are not good. And some men take advantage of that with a 'this is how I am, take it or leave it'.

Notice however that he wasn't quite so blunt from the start. At first he was lovely , mirroring exactly what you wanted him to be. He knows what he is doing, he knows what he wants and is clever to dole out just enough of what you want to keep you.

When you decided to call it a day, watch out for him stepping up the charm, or then doing the victim act.

It's the age old script. One of the great things about Mumsnet is that you get to see how similar this 'script' is across all of them.

Be glad you saw the light, your life is going to get better and better now, without him. Just watch out for him trying to reel you in again.

Half way into the relationship I told him I was going to end it and then he was affectionate and caring and saying sweet things to me and I stayed. If he turns on charm this time, I’ll know not to fall for it