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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

234 replies

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 15:55

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 16:19

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:17

He’s tried to justify it saying it’s easiest at his age. Even if that’s the case, I don’t feel he should ignore my needs and could make an effort but he makes zero effort. When I’ve mentioned about the overviewing of porn he told me to stop being a c* about it

😱

Holy hell op.

I take it back about looking for a toyboy. If you're 47 and allow men to talk to you like that, you need to be single and find some self love before dating again.

Strangerinastrangeland2023 · 07/07/2023 16:20

Nothing there to keep you, move on

Tex81 · 07/07/2023 16:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:22

He says to me why concentrate on the one area that might not meet my expectations but focus on all the other positives about him. I don’t feel any of this is right in a genuine caring relationship which is why I’m on this forum

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 07/07/2023 16:22

He sounds vile. End it.

Balloonhearts · 07/07/2023 16:22

I'm sorry but he sounds about as sexy and attractive as a bogey. Ditch him, life is too short to put up with crap sex and still be disrespected.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:24

I think what confuses me the most was that he pursued me in the beginning and made all the moves to initially get me into bed with him and acted like he was excited and turned on. But almost straight away it went to crap and I cannot understand what I’ve done wrong

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 16:25

It's not just one problem area though is it? It's the fact that he talks to you like shit.

That's something no one should overlook.

I mean unless it's glasgow (where it can be a form of endearment), calling someone a cunt is abusive.

Tex81 · 07/07/2023 16:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

astarsheis · 07/07/2023 16:26

Just dump him...sounds like he's the one being a cunt. He sounds vile.
Go and get yourself a younger model who will treat you with respect and hopefully joint pleasure.

Macaroni46 · 07/07/2023 16:27

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:17

He’s tried to justify it saying it’s easiest at his age. Even if that’s the case, I don’t feel he should ignore my needs and could make an effort but he makes zero effort. When I’ve mentioned about the overviewing of porn he told me to stop being a c* about it

Without being crude, there are plenty of ways he can pleasure you that are not related to his age. He's just being a selfish prick and bully.
Time to raise your standards OP and get rid!

PineappleLatte · 07/07/2023 16:27

Run away and don’t look back.

Life is too short for a selfish man and a selfish lover.

Wfhandbored · 07/07/2023 16:28

Okay so firstly - Ew. He's vile
Secondly if you were fat and/or ugly you would still deserve a fulfilling relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 16:28

You have not done anything wrong.

He was putting on a show to reel you in. Now he thinks you're caught, he drops the mask.

When people show you who they are, believe them. Run.

Macaroni46 · 07/07/2023 16:29

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:24

I think what confuses me the most was that he pursued me in the beginning and made all the moves to initially get me into bed with him and acted like he was excited and turned on. But almost straight away it went to crap and I cannot understand what I’ve done wrong

The things you're doing wrong is blaming yourself and not reading what posters are telling you!
He's the problem. Not you.
You deserve better!

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 07/07/2023 16:29

A couple of years? Woman you have needs to!! A couple of meet ups and I would have ran for the hills.... Any man who prefers porn to a real woman doesn't deserve one.

Beginningless · 07/07/2023 16:29

The only thing you’ve done wrong is picking a selfish arsehole man!

Eveninginparis · 07/07/2023 16:30

but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn.

Two pieces of advice OP;

  1. Get rid of this loser
  2. Invest in some counselling/therapy to work out why you allow yourself to put up with this crap.
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:32

I agree with you especially when there’s no apology

OP posts:
XVII · 07/07/2023 16:34

You have done nothing wrong
he is a pathetic selfish pig

oh and I’d bet the house he treated all his ex lovers this way. Lets face it you’re still around after 2 years.

SpringleDingle · 07/07/2023 16:34

Not putting up with shit sex is on my boundary list. I’d leave a guy who was not meeting my sexual needs and making no effort to do so (obviously I use sense and reason and wouldn’t dump a dude for one bad shag or if he wasn’t up for it this evening but consistently bad sex is a NO for me).

CountryStore · 07/07/2023 16:35

He's gay but in denial, presumably, if he only likes ladyboy porn. You havent done anything wrong apart from not be a man 🤷‍♀️

ThisWormHasTurned · 07/07/2023 16:37

Eveninginparis · 07/07/2023 16:30

but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn.

Two pieces of advice OP;

  1. Get rid of this loser
  2. Invest in some counselling/therapy to work out why you allow yourself to put up with this crap.

That’s what I was going to say.

He says not to focus on the sex but actually it’s indicative of far more than that. It’s a basic lack of respect that filters into your sex life. No sex is better than terrible sex! Trust me, I know this from experience!

You definitely need to work on your self-esteem. Ditch this man. Take some time for yourself. Get some counselling. You deserve so much more.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:37

Absolutely. It’s what’s inside a person that counts, not the exterior. The point I was trying to make is that especially with porn viewing, he obviously needs certain visuals to be aroused and whilst I’m no supermodel or playboy pinup, I don’t believe I’m too gross to turn a man on especially one in his 60s. But now with all the rejection, I’ve lost what confidence I had in myself physically.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 07/07/2023 16:39

Guess why he was single at 63.

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