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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

234 replies

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 15:55

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

OP posts:
strawberrywhisk · 07/07/2023 17:25

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:22

Because he says all men look at porn and a lot of times is because they’re with women who have let themselves go so they need the fantasy to stimulate them. I don’t know. I’m not a guy and I don’t watch porn

He is treating you like he thinks you are stupid. He is a grim slimeball, do you seriously want a man like that to even breath your air nevermind touch you. Ew ew

Stillcantbebothered · 07/07/2023 17:32

YABU for remaining in a relationship with such a man. You should walked way the first time he shouted on you instead of enduring 16 months of such horrible selfish behavior. Really you should go get a toy boy and you still slept with him the next time he wanted it?

Stillcantbebothered · 07/07/2023 17:36

Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2023 16:19

😱

Holy hell op.

I take it back about looking for a toyboy. If you're 47 and allow men to talk to you like that, you need to be single and find some self love before dating again.

Show quote history

She needs to work on herself to grow her confidence and self worth before getting into another relationship.

astarsheis · 07/07/2023 17:45

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:25

Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions. At least I have confirmation that I’m in a shitty relationship, I’m not being dramatic and have every reason to walk away

Well I think you deserve more and you are still young enough to start again with a man who will treat you better. Like per a previous poster, if you do walk away then maybe spend a bit of time recovering from what is really a very abusive relationship. Good Luck x

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 07/07/2023 17:47

Why on earth has this relationship lasted more than 5 minutes? He showed you he was a dickhead almost from the off. Why not walk away then?

Pollyputthekettleonha · 07/07/2023 17:48

Please dump him. Life is too short for this.

FinallyHere · 07/07/2023 18:20

whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout.

After the first time he pulled this stunt, I wouldn't give him a chance to do it again.

What are you waiting for? Good luck.

Itdefgetsbetter · 07/07/2023 18:23

Are you in a relationship with my ex?😂 I thought that with my ex the sexual selfishness was the problem in our relationship, but actually with time I realised it was actually a symptom of the bigger problem, which was his fundamental, deeply rooted selfishness. I stuck it out for a decade, it never gets better. In fact it gets worse, because no matter how often you raise it with them (or have tearful heart to hearts, or even stand up rows) they figure you haven't left so basically you're ok with it. It just doesn't occur to them that they might want to prioritise your needs because quite simply they just don't want to.
This kind of selfishness really hollows you out as a person over time, it utterly chips away at your self worth. This is because you try to be more understanding, more generous, more easy going, and be the bigger person to show them a better way, but the generosity and accommodating behaviour only ever goes one way. With time you realise nothing you say or do can change a person who fundamentally is very happy with things the way they are.

It took me a while to notice, but I realised it wasn't just the sex, he was selfish about everything. I didn't clock it initially as I'm pretty easy going and happy to go with the flow, but with time I realised EVERYTHING was about him and his preferences. We never went on a holiday, or to a restaurant, or saw certain friends just because I really wanted to go, it was always about him and his preferences. I eventually woke up one morning and realised I felt like I was living someone else's life because his preferences drove everything. I'm in a much healthier relationship now and I can see how odd and destructive this was. My current partner actively enjoys doing things just because they make me happy, just as I do for him. I can't tell you how much richer and happier and full of love and laughter my life feels now, its like night and day. Although at the time if you'd asked me I'd have said I loved my ex very much. Relationships are meant to be a partnership, not a one way street.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 18:41

He sounds vile.

What on earth are you doing wasting your precious 40's with an angry disgusting porn addicted old man?

Dump him asap and don't look back.

As @Eveninginparis has suggested, get some counselling to figure out why you have allowed this to drag on.

You deserve much better.

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 07/07/2023 18:45

I'm quite "fat and ugly "but my DH will always put my pleasure first and won't finish till he knows I'm ok

Even us fat hippos deserve a good sex life so don't dismiss us

PaigeMatthews · 07/07/2023 18:49

the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn.
he sounds vile. Dump him

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 19:03

I’m sorry you went through years of unhappiness and invalidation. Thank you for sharing and very happy you have a good man now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 19:06

I don’t dismiss anyone. I’m referring to my bfs views. He’s the one indicates that looks and body are prerequisites

OP posts:
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 07/07/2023 19:08

‘Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me. ‘ Samantha Jones.

you should have bailed after the first terrible experience.

KTSl1964 · 07/07/2023 19:10

And your not going to end it are you. Why is your self esteem so low? You need to have a value within yourself. He sounds ghastly.

viques · 07/07/2023 19:12

Even fat and ugly people are allowed to have good sex lives, just a thought for you OP.

guineacup · 07/07/2023 19:44

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:19

this is not a game or a hoax post. It’s a genuine situation I’ve been in but glad you find it amusing

The fact that some people think it might be should show you that this guy is so off-the-fucking-scale appalling that it's scarcely believable that you are with him.

Why on Earth are you still with him? Seriously... Why?!

JohnOgloat · 07/07/2023 20:43

OP, have you hung on in hoping he'll see the light and become an all round decent person?

He won't. I have no doubt you would be more than enough for a good man. He isn't one.

Don-t waste your breath, cut him loose and walk away. The problem us with him not for you to be losing your confidence over.

pimplebum · 07/07/2023 20:48

So if you were fat and ugly it would be ok to be treated badly ?
You deserve better treatment because you are slim and attractive?

He is nasty and abusive , he will not change - I suggest you get out now

pimplebum · 07/07/2023 20:56

There should never be ANY shouting or swearing AT you in any relationship
This is an abusive relationship
Why not show him this thread ?

Why do you think he has has soooo many lovers ? Is that because he told you? Have you ever met these so called lovers

IknowYouButIdontLikeYou · 07/07/2023 20:57

What do you like about this selfish, arrogant, uncaring, elderly bloke?

pimplebum · 07/07/2023 21:04

Oh fuck I've just read the update about expecting you to work 3 jobs

What a nasty man
Is he generous with flowers / gifts nights out / holidays? - he the money so he should be , I'd bet my life that he isn't and has you convinced that to want those things from makes you a gold digger like his nasty ex?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2023 21:12

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It must be something so what is it?. What happened to you to at all get with this man who is 16 years older than you?. I think he targeted you deliberately to further exploit you.

Your boundaries here, already perhaps eroded by poor relationship experience and poor treatment, are being further got at by this man now. You absolutely need to bin this man before he drags you down with him.

Deadringer · 07/07/2023 21:18

Ah here op why the hell are you still with this horrible aul fella? Dump him and find yourself a decent man who you can have great sex with.

HarveyDanger · 07/07/2023 21:20

A couple of years you say?!…. Why so long?