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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Boyfriend is A Selfish Lover

234 replies

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 15:55

Hi All im new to this forum but would love advice. I’m a divorcee but been seeing a man for couple years. He’s 16 years older than me - I’m 47 and he’s 63. We don’t live together but I stay over nights at least twice a week when he’s not away working. I find him very handsome and sexy but the sex life has always been an issue and whenever I’ve discussed it he’s got mad at me and will swear and shout. I don’t yell at him or criticise him. Sex only happens when he wants it and he would rather watch porn. I’m not fat and ugly. I’m always up for sex and prepared to be adventurous but he pushes me aside for porn frequently. My even bigger issue is he has not once even tried to pleasure me. It’s all about him and I’m left sexually frustrated and it hurts. He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy. I feel like either my wants, desires and feelings are nothing to him or maybe he’s not attracted to me sexually even though he says he is yet gives me no attention in bed.
I don’t know if I’m too sensitive or should leave him because he doesn’t change even after numerous requests

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:39

He was married but that ended 20 years ago

OP posts:
BarelyLiterate · 07/07/2023 16:39

He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy.

Excellent advice. I suggest you take it.

Eveninginparis · 07/07/2023 16:41

BarelyLiterate · 07/07/2023 16:39

He gets nasty and says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy.

Excellent advice. I suggest you take it.

Yup, that ^^ nails it.

I'd go for it.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:41

Apparently I’m the longest term relationship since his divorce near 2 decades ago. However he says the others were just flings and I’m the only one he’s really been interested in - doesn’t show it very well

OP posts:
Backstreets · 07/07/2023 16:42

What exactly does he have to offer except a borrow of his free bus pass?

sunshinesupermum · 07/07/2023 16:44

FFS dump him. You are so much better than this.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:45

He’s got a lovely house and not short of money and been a hard worker but it’s his. I’ve never wanted anything off him financially but he’s made it clear what’s his is his. Tells me I must work 3 jobs if necessary so when I’m his age I can have what he has. He was lucky to inherit money from his parents

OP posts:
guineacup · 07/07/2023 16:47

Why the fuck are you with this man? Jeez... Obviously LTB.

guineacup · 07/07/2023 16:48

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:41

Apparently I’m the longest term relationship since his divorce near 2 decades ago. However he says the others were just flings and I’m the only one he’s really been interested in - doesn’t show it very well

Of course you are. 99% of women wouldn't put up with what you do!

Stop being a doormat and work on your self-respect!

Macaroni46 · 07/07/2023 16:50

I feel like we're going round in circles now. How many posters need to tell you OP that this guy is no good. Time to move on. You can do it!

XVII · 07/07/2023 16:51

The more you talk the less appealing he sounds.
and he sounded pretty fucking grim in the 1st place!

There will be loads of decent men in your age bracket desperately wanting to meet an adventurous woman always up for sex.
They might even be good in bed and have an even nicer house they’d happily share!

Paperbagsaremine · 07/07/2023 16:51

says if I’m unsatisfied then go find a toy boy
Doesn't have to be a toy boy, but sounds like a very sensible plan.

MsRosley · 07/07/2023 16:52

I am at a loss to understand what single redeeming feature attracted you to this man. Why on earth are you with him, OP? Why are your standards so low????

For god's sake ditch him and get on with your life.

guineacup · 07/07/2023 16:53

Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 16:07

his favourite porn is ladyboys but he says he’s not bisexual. Regardless, it is a confidence killer when he chooses it over me and tells me to go buy myself sex toys to use on myself.

This is so fucked up I've got a sense you're not all who you say you are...

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 07/07/2023 16:59

Definitely stay with this guy and have a few kids with him.

Newusernameaug · 07/07/2023 17:04

Leave, he won’t change

FrauleinElsaMars · 07/07/2023 17:09

SwirlyShirly · 07/07/2023 15:59

"I'm not fat and ugly" aha, well that's ok then! Hmm

Haha spotted that too. What's it got to do with anything?

I'm a size 16 and my husband is a very generous lover, is that against the rules?

BCBird · 07/07/2023 17:10

Do yourself a favour and get rid. I was in a relationship where my pleasure was never considered. Stuff that. My nxt relationship I made it clear I did not put up with selfish sex . My partner was baffled. Not an issue with him. There are decent men out there who u can have dialogue with to havev satisfying sex life. Leave him.wutb his hand for company as one person put on here the once leave him to his self service🤣

baggiesmalls · 07/07/2023 17:13

Ffs why do women put up with this shit ?

Op yku do t live with him , he's a boyfriend and a crap one at that

You get nothing from being with him except shit sex that leaves you feeling rubbish , put downs and verbal abuse

Just stop seeing him !
Take some time to look after yourself.

If you want to date , do - but I'd be a lot choosier in future . Why are you putting up with this ??

strawberrywhisk · 07/07/2023 17:18

I seriously suggest that instead of looking for reasons why he treats you the way he does, you start seriously looking at why you should waste your life putting up with his crap. You get one life and it's way too short to be miserable. Get out and live your life without him in it.

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:18

I agree . I haven’t posted anything to indicate his behaviour is acceptable

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 07/07/2023 17:19

Let him circle the drain on his own in his palace.

You will end up being his abused carer for absolutely no reward.

The porn can keep him company.

Get rid now, your weekend will be so much more fun when you have cut ties.

It's easy send a text:

"This isn't working for me. It's over."

Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:19

this is not a game or a hoax post. It’s a genuine situation I’ve been in but glad you find it amusing

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:22

Because he says all men look at porn and a lot of times is because they’re with women who have let themselves go so they need the fantasy to stimulate them. I don’t know. I’m not a guy and I don’t watch porn

OP posts:
Original poster
Nikky1976 · 07/07/2023 17:25

Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions. At least I have confirmation that I’m in a shitty relationship, I’m not being dramatic and have every reason to walk away

OP posts: