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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found condoms in husband's bag

198 replies

girlfromtheloch · 27/06/2023 20:54

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

OP posts:
Legselevens · 27/06/2023 20:58

This is terrible for you and I’m sure you must be in shock. It’s sounds callous but I would get my finances in order if I was defo it’s about challenging/throwing out. Make sure you have someone to speak to for support you trust someone close xx

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2023 20:59

I'm so sorry. Do you know where all the financial information is? Joint accounts or separate? Passports etc.?

Nowvoyager99 · 27/06/2023 21:00

Get your marriage certificate/birth certs/passports for you and DC somewhere safe.

Take photos of savings/pensions/investments docs.

Pack him a bag and just hand it to him saying that you know, and he’s to leave quietly so as not to upset the DC.

Mumma2Ro · 27/06/2023 21:06

Oh no I’m so sorry ! What happened the first time you found them ?

timberho · 27/06/2023 21:15

Serious question- what will the OP do with those documents??

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2023 21:16

timberho · 27/06/2023 21:15

Serious question- what will the OP do with those documents??

She will have them. In the event she needs to do anything with them.

BadHairBae · 27/06/2023 21:18

timberho · 27/06/2023 21:15

Serious question- what will the OP do with those documents??

Keep them as safe as possible, completely out of his reach.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 27/06/2023 21:25

Play him at his own game - keep him in the dark that you know - until you see a solicitor ,with relevant documents, for advice

Original poster
girlfromtheloch · 27/06/2023 21:26

Thank you I can get the documents.
Our joint account is managed by me, my husbands contributes a certain amount per month depending how well his business is doing. It is usually about 50% of our outgoings. The rest he keeps in his business account. I have no idea how much is in there.
Last time I found condoms he fobbed me off and said they were old. Accused me of being a snoop and suspicious. I knew I was right to feel concerned then. There’s been other things too. My suspicions were raised in the last week as he was away on business and I couldn’t contact him one evening. That’s why I looked in his bag tonight. To be honest I knew what I was going to find, I am just surprised he has not been more careful.

OP posts:
HelpMeUnpickThis · 27/06/2023 21:33

Sorry this has happened @girlfromtheloch

tableanadchairs · 27/06/2023 21:34

are the DC school age?
Can you get him to cotriute to school uniforms/ winter clothes/ anythng needed before he starts playing silly buggers with money?
Just a thought

Maddy70 · 27/06/2023 21:35

I am so sorry. But you know what you know what you have to do. Be strong. You have all of us ❤️

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 27/06/2023 21:37

Open a packet.. Tip some chilli powder in. Reseal as best you can. Bet he won't notice until it's too late...

GoodChat · 27/06/2023 21:37

If you manage the finances I'd just go and tell him he needs to pack a bag and leave now.

Isthisexpected · 27/06/2023 21:39

I'm so sorry. What a bastard.

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 21:39

I’d snoop around to find more evidence. Can you look at his phone this evo?

morelippy · 27/06/2023 21:41

Do nothing and say nothing until you have had had time sort out your thoughts, get a plan in place, and everything in order to carry that plan through.

So sorry OP. What a shit x

BungalowBuyer · 27/06/2023 21:41

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 21:39

I’d snoop around to find more evidence. Can you look at his phone this evo?

I'd agree with this, once you confront him his guard will be up and it'll be harder.

I honestly wish I'd had my now exH followed when I first started to find some of his behaviour unusual, rather than choosing to believe him.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 27/06/2023 21:44

morelippy · 27/06/2023 21:41

Do nothing and say nothing until you have had had time sort out your thoughts, get a plan in place, and everything in order to carry that plan through.

So sorry OP. What a shit x

This, OP.
As much as you might want to confront him don't let on you know until you're sorted.
So sorry.

CherryCokeFanatic · 27/06/2023 21:45

Could he be engaging in a posh wank at the gym or in the car or something?

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 27/06/2023 21:48

I'm so sorry you find yourself here OP.

Whatever you chose to do now, I wish you the best of luck. Know your worth and act on it

caringcarer · 27/06/2023 21:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2023 21:16

She will have them. In the event she needs to do anything with them.

Show quote history

You need your marriage certificate to get a divorce so she definitely needs that. She'll need DC and her passports just in case she wants a holiday and he won't hand them over. Take a photocopy/photo of any bank statements, DH pension documents, ISA's, and mortgage statements. I'd not say anything to him tonight. Get an appointment for a solicitor tomorrow if you can. Find out what you might be entitled to. You'll need to know how much equity roughly you have in house. Do you know his salary? Could you find any of his pay slips? Try to think clearly what you want to happen regarding your 2 DC. Do you think he'll want 50/50 or is he more likely to want every other weekend and either a meal together or a sleepover midweek? Remember you need to put yourself and DC first from now onwards. He made his choice.

blackbeardsballsack · 27/06/2023 21:51

CherryCokeFanatic · 27/06/2023 21:45

Could he be engaging in a posh wank at the gym or in the car or something?

I mean, really?

Mumtothreegirlies · 27/06/2023 21:52

Whatever you do make sure it’s feels good. Don’t give him your tears or dignity.
if you can hold back for now and find a way to catch him in the act. Maybe get one of those apple tags in his car or jacket. If you run into him and catch him that will haunt him forever and he’ll remember the time his wife and mother of his children caught him cheating and will ruin any future encounters he has. You’ve got to damage him psychologically.

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 21:52

BungalowBuyer · 27/06/2023 21:41

I'd agree with this, once you confront him his guard will be up and it'll be harder.

I honestly wish I'd had my now exH followed when I first started to find some of his behaviour unusual, rather than choosing to believe him.

Show quote history

Exactly- don’t give him the opportunity to cover his tracks. Have a good luxurious snoop.

also remember no need to act right now. Go see a solicitor and get some advice. Make a plan. Then execute everything calmly and how YOU want it to go.