Just found condoms in husband's bag

[girlfromtheloch]

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

That's more of a reason to separate than casual sex

Welcome to the bubble burst 💥 and reality that men are actually cold calculated selfish psychopathic types, pretty much the whole lot of them. Mind you giving this one up opens a possibility you may get just as lucky 🍀 the next time around. Don’t know effective advise you apart from looking out for your best interest in all of this, don’t plunge into poverty based on emotion. You may want to get your ducks in order before your bust up.

Stay strong enough and stick to your guns. Wishing you a brighter future with your children.

What an earth is a posh wank??

Where men wear a condom to wank.

Always trotted out when a suspecting wife finds condoms in her husbands possession.

Men don’t even like wearing condoms during sex, no way they would CHOOSE to wear one for a wank.

A posh wank. As if.

I don't think there's any point confronting him right now. Keep your own thoughts private so you can't be gaslighted out of what you know you know. If you tell him, what ... he either gets angry with you for looking in his bag, or for not trusting him or he comes up with some ludicrous explanation that you can't prove is not true in a court of law style.. Just what's the point.

Instead. Decide what you do next. How soon. Think things through. Think of everything that you need to do and the order it will need to be done.

If forced to explain why you want out, I'd just say ''we are walking on different pages''. And let him beg you from a point of confusion for more information. If you want to, you can tell him you found the condoms, for the second time.

I found condoms in my ex boyfriends bag once, he claimed they were for a posh wank, but they were durex extra safe! Not sure why you would need that type for a wank, I kept quiet when I first found them as the packet was full and unopened, but 2 weeks later one was missing so I dumped him. Hope you can sort everything out, what an asshole.

SHL ASAP

Jesus don't be ridiculous

Are you a director of the business?

Be smart, op. I know you're upset, obviously, but try to be as practical and detached as possible. Don't let your husband know you've caught him out. Gather all the documents you possibly can, and try to get information about his other accounts, if possible. See a solicitor before you confront him. You need to be two steps ahead before your husband even knows what has hit him.

Unless you or your children are at risk I would bide your time.
Get all the finances in order and speak to a solicitor.

You need to see as much detail about his business as you possibly can. And pensions.

My heart sank for you when I read he's self employed - I'm in the same boat.

Move savings and anything else u can into your name.

By coats/shoes/as many big purchases as soon as you can before it all comes out.

Big hug. It's a fucking awful place to be but it doesn't last.

I'd also shamelessly snoop/catch him out if u can.

Absolutely zero point just asking him. They just LIE.

I had condoms in my bag once after a work trip away. I told DH, explained and he was fine. It was a very funny story actually. Having them twice, getting evasive and bullshitting means he's a cheat.

Post wank my arse.

@girlfromtheloch So sorry you found these.
What was his excuse before? ''Posh w@nk'' {I've heard that given as an excuse before now}

What a shock.

Been there too, years ago, as have so many women. {and also men who get cheated on}

It always hurts.

{I think} where a man uses KY or similar in a condom and wanks.

Also called ''Gel charging'' a long time back.

Thank you so much for your comments and support I honestly really appreciate it. I haven’t said anything yet. I am going to contact a solicitor tomorrow.
The business is his and I’m not a director. Although I control the joint account he chooses whether or not to contribute each month. Some months nothing, others a lot more. He is a high earner, I don’t know exactly how much. He has money in ISAs but under his name, I can’t access these. He uses Monzo so has no paper bank statements. Unfortunately I live in his house having moved in 9 years ago. I’m not on the deeds but have massively financially contributed. Two years ago I completed a HR1 form which entitles me to home rights as I had suspicions then and got worried about my rights.
I have a house but it is rented and some distance away. I wouldn’t move the children there.
If I could check his phone I would but it’s like Fort Knox, as is his computer. I am struggling to think about how to manage all this. Hopefully a solicitor can help too as well as advice from you all, thank you so much.

@girlfromtheloch Are you married?

Fingers crossed that you are- in which case you are likely to get some of the house, surely......

@girlfromtheloch You are indeed married- 9 yrs, this isn't a ''Short'' marriage, Have you hard proof you contributed ?

I think if in England you will be entitled to a good proportion {50% of equity} of the house, even if you aren't on the deeds. {I'm not a lawyer though}

Ah sending strength to you, sorry you’re dealing with this.

Is this a daft suggestion? To count and photograph the condoms and to do the same after the trip to prove they’ve been used?

Ownership matters not. You will have a claim on a good chunk of the equity in his house having lived there for 9 years.
He would also have a claim on your house but you might be able to ring fence it as a premarital asset. He would likely to the same with some of the equity in the family home.
Pensions
ISAs
Savings
All goes in the shared pot to be divided out. He cannot hide anything as the process of doing the financial order requires disclosure by law.
You will be fine. He will need to pay a good chunk of maintenance also.
My advice is think carefully about what's best for you and your kids. There's no 100% right answer.
Their dad has them very other weekend and one night in the week. This is undoubtedly best for the kids (in our case) as they have one main home base and I am their main parent. Some times I think it is best for me, and other times I think 50/50 parenting would make it easier to meet someone else. I literally have no time to date or much time for myself at all really.

I'm so sorry OP that this bastard has broken your trust again. Please say nothing, get your ducks in a row first, get legal advice, and make sure you take the fucker for everything you deserve.

I would be seriously tempted to stick pins in those condoms, and let him deal with the consequences!

Also take photos of the condoms in the bag, the expiry date etc. The more evidence you have the better.

Please do NOT prick holes in the condoms as suggested here. If he's using prostitutes this could be dangerous. It's dangerous regardless in terms of STD's. Bringing an innocent new baby into this situation is also a stupid thing to be semi responsible for.

Keep quiet. See a lawyer. Get yourself into a clear headspace. Obviously you have to leave now, but maintain the upper hand. Read chumplady.com - leave a cheater, gain a life.