Just found condoms in husband's bag

[girlfromtheloch]

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

I would do the above things though. I'd gather the passports and marriage certificate.
I'd also get copies of all financials that you can easily find.
Read about the Imerman case. My own very excellent family lawyer advised me about this but was not too concerned as I had put my hands on financial documents that were not particularly hidden in any way.
Be aware that proving fault is only for your peace of mind and sanity. Divorce law doesn't take fault into account at all. Even if he is a cheating prick.

You are married. It’s not his house it’s both of yours. As is the other house you own.

Come on. This seems to be pretty much an mumsnet invention.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Oh for God's sake! It's hard enough, getting a lot of men to put a fucking condom on in the first place without them going to the shop, buying them, parking in the car in a strange area and having a wank into one. And to be honest, if he's a sort of man who does that then why would she want him?

Don't do this. Tempting as it is, it really isn't fair to the woman involved (who may have no idea he's married) to risk a condom failure by tampering.

I'm really sorry, you found that. I have to say from experience that if he hasn't been careful then it's because it isn't the first time, as you know because of finding them before. He's getting a bit reckless, isn't he?

Get absolutely everything in order. I agree with the previous poster for children's school, uniforms and shoes and coats etc sorted before you confront him.

He is a complete idiot and you deserve so much better 💐

Posh wank what a fucking joke, have any men actually ever done this? They'd just use a cloth or a sock FFS.

This is good advice, op. Because even though you know in your heart he is cheating and you do have some evidence, you should probably get evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt so that you are absolutely sure.

If you confront him now, he might deny it again and you’re left in limbo still. Wait until you’ve had someone follow him or do the apple tag or whatever it takes to really know the facts. Then you’ll know better how to proceed.

The big money is in his earnings.... can you get access to his company bank statements before you blow your cover?
Very sorry for your horrible sutuation op.
If it helps I am much happier now I'm divorced ( twice), and see no need to be troubled with a useless wanker ever again. Children are well adjusted and no longer think sun shines out his arse (with no imput from me).
It will be horrible and hell for a few years , but on the other side it is bliss.

I'm so sorry, this must be devastating. If you can keep yourself calm, I would try to think ahead about what he might do after you confront him, for example will he try to be difficult such withhold money etc then plan ahead to ensure you have the finances, will he be difficult, confrontational and refuse to leave the home? If so maybe wait until he's left the home before you tell him.
You know your husband better than us, he might be reasonable but if not think about what he may do and prepare yourself.
As others of said speak to lawyer it will also help to calm you down. But obviously emotions can take over so don't beat yourself up if you blurt it out.

I didn't say do it, I said I would be seriously tempted.

And I don't know why the fucker should be given any consideration. He doesn't deserve that.

Is his accountant also your accountant? If not, you could ask your accountant to get relevant information from Companies House before he starts to hide the information you need.

Such good advice here.

so sorry this happened op xxx

If he's a limited company, his accounts etc will be on the Companies House website and the OP can check herself. She can also search his name on the website to see if he has any other directorships.

Anyone can look at Companies House. Type the name of your husband in it and it will show the name of the company and accounts. It won’t show where he’s squirrelled the money away.

I'm so sorry OP. I honestly have no idea why people are dishonest like this.🤯

Def do what others have said ref passports and bank paperwork.

You also need to know what is happening with his business. Are you a shareholder? Can you see the accounts? How does he sign off the accounts? If you cant access this info and he has a Limited Co, go onto Companies House website, search out his company and make note of his company number and accountants. Take as many sets of accounts listed, check details of shareholders.

Good luck OP. This must be so difficult 😞 Sending a hug.

OP if you are in Scotland as your name suggests, you are entitled to 50% of the equity in your home regardless of who is on the deeds. If you owned your house before you were married and have never lived in it together then he isn’t entitled to anything.

Don't do this. This is just weird.

Well done with what moves you have made so far. Keep strong you're in my thoughts

My only advice is to get a shit hot lawyer I unfortunately didn’t and my ‘darling’ husband screwed me over. I lost practically everything, bastard.

Oh I really hope this is the case.

So sorry @girlfromtheloch , what a prick he is for ruining his family

Oh, it’s taking me back to nearly 6 years ago when I found out my husband was unfaithful with a “friend” and a colleague.

We met at University, and I was devastated.
25 years together imploded, my daughters aged 9 and 11 were distraught, and he still blamed me. He was angry to be caught out, slashed my neighbours tyres, and punched me on my doorstep, giving me a black eye.

It took 4 years for me to get an apology and we now have family meals with our daughters, and feed each others cats!!

From my experience I’d say, collect yourself, get things in order, get the documents you need, and then go for a walk and tell him you know what has been happening and it is over between you.

You must settle on agreeing to parent your children as amicably as possible, not fight. I am from divorced parents, so I know how it feels as a child to be caught in the middle.

I know you are hurt and angry. He gaslit you last time. Don’t play into the angry emotional role. That’s what he wants, you to seem irrational and nuts.

My ex kept saying you aren’t being reasonable, over and over. I stole all the friends!

You will get through this. You will be happy.
I am now. Happily single raising my children, having the odd relationship. Doing well at work.

It won’t be an easy first year, but you will be fine, and realise who your real friends are.
X

‘He cannot hide anything as the process of doing the financial order requires disclosure by law’

Well…that’s how it’s supposed to work but you ask the vast majority of women who’ve been involved in divorce and you’ll know that’s not how it goes. Disclosure (especially by the self-employed, or higher earning,men) is usually made into an unnecessarily long,complicated and frustrating process where the law is often not upheld and the truth is squirmed around. After which they might get a figurative slap on the wrist from the judge (who can see something is financially amiss but no one can prove it) but their squirrelled away money never surfaces.
A forensic accountant can be a worthwhile expense if the financial figures and level of suspected deception justify it. It’s just naive to believe people in emotive and angry relationship breakdowns will play fair.

OP (and all women in this situation,hence the ubiquitous ducks-in-a-row advice) if you think you’re entitled to a share of something,you need to find it or pay someone to find it - don’t expect it to be offered up to you,the opposite will happen.
Wishing you strength to get through this - you and your children will be glad you did eventually.

Why did you have condoms in your bag..🤔