Just found condoms in husband's bag

[girlfromtheloch]

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

I’m sorry you feel that this is acceptable in your marriage. I am with everyone else. There is no circle in my Venn diagram that overlaps with one circle being cheating (with or without a condom!) and a happy marriage

I’m sorry you feel that this is acceptable in your marriage. I am with everyone else. There is no circle in my Venn diagram that overlaps with one circle being cheating (with or without a condom!) and a happy marriage

^ agreed without trust I think you have nothing

I absolutely agree and love this, you’re the alpha woman of this thread x

I was thinking something similar about taking your time to confront….you could gather more information and evidence so that are in a stronger position and you can catch him on back foot.

I would consider:-

1. hiring a private investigator who will get proof of what he is up to in terms of other relationships.
2. they may be able to get you info on his financial situation, especially if they pay someone to do a scrape on the dark web, am not an expert but a work colleague they can find out everything!
3. see a solicitor to get your rights with regards to house and children and maintenance. I don’t think he can kick you out because of children but you may want to move out, you could sell your own house and buy something just for you? But you may be entitled to equity from this house under ‘common law’ given how long you have been together and having children.
4. do you need to set up a new bank account just for you? And move your savings and earnings into it and just keep the joint one for when he gives you money! Feels awfully one way just now where he can withdraw all your money and see what you have but not in reverse.
5. find out what you are entitled on maintenance, if he works for himself, you may need someone to look at his accounts and work out how much he’s paying himself out the business by way of Dividend. Can be done and then you can get maintenance set.

Then you confront him and put forward what needs to happen next.

so sorry this has happened to you but you deserve better and he thinks he can have his cake and eat it.

Goodness some of you are absolutely nut jobs, it’s one thing to make photocopies of marriage certificates, birth certificates, current accounts etc why on earth do you feel you need to get private detectives involved?

We have no fault divorce. You do need to document the finances because if he’s self-employed, the chances of you getting child-support out of him are minimal. Other than that just kick him out. No need for the drama.

I’d rather be single than married with religion though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes but how is that helpful. The poor woman's husband is likely to be cheating. Are we suggesting she goes to church and ignores this fact!?!

OP are you a Dr?

//Are we suggesting that she goes to church and ignores this fact?//

No. I was just answering a PP who contradicted @Greenlaser on the grounds of her own experiences. I think studies give a better picture than one person’s experiences.

I’ve got every sympathy with the OP. I just hadn’t got anything new to add to advice already given. This was a side issue (not sure why it came up).

I actually asked MN to post the link to ADVICE NOW at top of board. But so many people post, even on that board, and don’t see it and I’m always signposting people to them

ADVICE NOW is a charity, designed to help everyone to access and navigate the English and Welsh law(I’m sure they’ll be equivalent Scottish one). They are brilliant guides. Did my whole divorce with minimal solicitor involvement, put them in front of my ex and got him to read them and dispensed immediately all his billigerent and obstructive mindset- helped us divorce quickly, very cheaply and less stressfully.

I wish there was a big flashing light that cam3 up every time someone posted on divorce site that said first click on this link. It would save people so much money, heartache and stress

This is horrible for you ,but keep calm as much as you can and don't show your hand until you have got all the information you need .
We are all here supporting you .
It's tricky when they are self employed -my ex told the CSA he was earning less than £7 a week so I got nothing even though he was a high earner .
Luckily ,I got the equity in the house by trading away some pension rights and I was able to work and keep the house on by myself .

Thank you so much everyone I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments and advice

I remember from the days when I always had a pack of condoms in my bag that the expiry date is often 3 to 5 years, so it could be an old pack, but why would he need them? Make sure you take photos. There could be innocent explanations or explanations that are not as bad as him having an affairs. Maybe he has visited a sex worker? I imagine that like most married couples you have joint bank accounts. Make sure for safety you transfer it to an account in your own name, but do not use any of it until you have confronted him

Checking in and seeing how you're getting on OP

Could have been someone else’s (while unlikely though). Found some in my wife’s bag once after she went clubbing with her mum. Her mum didn’t take a bag so asked her to keep them in her bag. I know her mum, so yes I believe it (was many years ago now).

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If he's a director you should be able to go on Companies House (anyone can go on & it's not traceable or show who has looked), go onto the company accounts & see how much he pays in tax. This will guide you as to how much it makes, profits, how much spent on entertaining etc. You can print that out & keep record. It's funny how there may be years of a certain level of income for years until a divorce on the cards & then it drops (hidden).

@NisekoWhistler Thank you for asking. I’m ok just struggling to cope with my husband’s deception. I’m pretty sure he has a secret bank account too. He has no bank statements at home or paper records of anything. Any one know how if I could find out any more about this? I am seeing a solicitor this week. Thank you

A forensic accountant is money really well spent.

They will find in an hour what could take you a week.

Men think they are so clever with their secret accounts, but usually they really aren't that secret.

They just keep the paperwork hidden.

If he pays money from his business account into your joint one, could you ring your bank and ask the name of the bank that it comes from.

Every bit of work that you do and paperwork you can provide the solicitor with will save you money.

Experian usually shows up bank accounts, so whichever you don’t recognise you’ll have a starting point as to where the account is held?