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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found condoms in husband's bag

198 replies

girlfromtheloch · 27/06/2023 20:54

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

OP posts:
Superdupes · 28/06/2023 09:15

Sittwritt · 28/06/2023 06:45

Condoms and cheating does not mean you have to split up. Perhaps you can have a good marriage. It’s happened to us and there was cheating without the condoms, which is even worse. Really depends on the rest of yr relationship.

No you can't have a good marriage knowing your OH is shagging other people behind your back - well not if you have any standards anyway. What a depressing way to live your life.

Superdupes · 28/06/2023 09:20

Greenlaser · 28/06/2023 08:45

So sorry to know this.....

Do you know why he feels the need to cheat on his wife and kids of 11 years?

Is he drinking more than usual or taking any antidepressants?

I hope he realises the consequences of his actions and not seeing his kids anymore....

If you're absolutely sure he regrets it and it was just a one off, it may be worth imagining what your situation will be in say 7 years ahead? Like, say you do split but you do find a Mr Nice guy but he also does the same thing. See, we never know what's around the corner but we should always have contingency plans.

Best....

Show quote history

You literally just quoted a post where the OP said it isn't the first time - so he clearly didn't regret it and it clearly wasn't just a one off.

Are you honestly saying she shouldn't leave her cheating OH because the next man she meets might also end up cheating on her?

greyhairnomore · 28/06/2023 09:21

Sittwritt · 28/06/2023 06:45

Condoms and cheating does not mean you have to split up. Perhaps you can have a good marriage. It’s happened to us and there was cheating without the condoms, which is even worse. Really depends on the rest of yr relationship.

It's not a good marriage if someone cheated on you. If you chose to stay that's your decision but you'll always be wondering.

MsRosley · 28/06/2023 09:36

Sittwritt · 28/06/2023 06:45

Condoms and cheating does not mean you have to split up. Perhaps you can have a good marriage. It’s happened to us and there was cheating without the condoms, which is even worse. Really depends on the rest of yr relationship.

Most people don't have your incredibly low standards and lack of self respect.

Kugela · 28/06/2023 09:37

@Sittwritt I don’t agree. With this type of sneaky bastard, he’ll make sure he hides his affairs and money more carefully if he’s given another chance. He’s really not interested in being open and honest. It’s unlikely @girlfromtheloch will find out his financial information without digging around for it which is why she’s being advised to use a forensic accountant during the divorce and to see a solicitor before confronting him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/06/2023 09:43

If you are 100% clear you want to divorce then actually the less you talk the better

see a Soliciter and get a letter drafted

the finances will come out regardless
so long as you have a broad idea of what exists even if you don’t know amounts

you don’t need proof , it’s irrelevant now

you know you want a divorce so focus on that rather than the Fort Knox !

and keep an icy distance and don’t tell him jack shit until you have a Soliciter and ball is moving

lots of self care please this is tough

FlyMeToTheSpoons · 28/06/2023 10:02

When I found a half used packet of condoms I'm exH's overnight bag he told me it showed he cared about me, because he didn't want me to catch anything. He tried to convince me I was being a twat because he was being considerate.

Needless to say, I told him to leave.

I'm so sorry, OP 💐

Trickedbyadoughnut · 28/06/2023 10:04

sausagedogpookie · 28/06/2023 01:09

‘He cannot hide anything as the process of doing the financial order requires disclosure by law’

Well…that’s how it’s supposed to work but you ask the vast majority of women who’ve been involved in divorce and you’ll know that’s not how it goes. Disclosure (especially by the self-employed, or higher earning,men) is usually made into an unnecessarily long,complicated and frustrating process where the law is often not upheld and the truth is squirmed around. After which they might get a figurative slap on the wrist from the judge (who can see something is financially amiss but no one can prove it) but their squirrelled away money never surfaces.
A forensic accountant can be a worthwhile expense if the financial figures and level of suspected deception justify it. It’s just naive to believe people in emotive and angry relationship breakdowns will play fair.

OP (and all women in this situation,hence the ubiquitous ducks-in-a-row advice) if you think you’re entitled to a share of something,you need to find it or pay someone to find it - don’t expect it to be offered up to you,the opposite will happen.
Wishing you strength to get through this - you and your children will be glad you did eventually.

Show quote history

@sausagedogpookie gives some great advice - I know quite a few couples where the H screwed over the DW by hiding the financials/squirrelling stuff away. If he can afford to pay a shit-hot lawyer and accountant, it's going to disappear almost as soon he finds out OP wants a divorce, especially if she hasn't been able to find out what money she's looking for. It's illegal, it's not how it should work, but it is how it often goes down. As for maintenance, chances are he'll pay himself a pittence and work out other ways of funding his lifestyle ...

I am so sorry this happened to you OP, so devastating. You deserve so much better and you WILL get it, even though it will be so hard in the meantime.

Jellifulfruit · 28/06/2023 10:05

Hope you’re ok today ❤️

Greenlaser · 28/06/2023 10:08

MissCherryCakeyBun · 28/06/2023 09:03

Please also get yourself tested for STI's I know it's not what you want to think about right now but rather sooner than later xxx

Its unlikely he's got STI's if he's using barrier contraception.

That said, late nights on the computer or always on mobile is always a red flag.

A few minutes per evening on Twitter or shopping sites is fair enough but dating, chat up or porn sites is the initial temptation to cheat.

If there is faith, religion or Gid in the family, the stats show divorce and infidelity is much lower.

Peace..

KatherineSwynford1403 · 28/06/2023 10:14

FlyMeToTheSpoons · 28/06/2023 10:02

When I found a half used packet of condoms I'm exH's overnight bag he told me it showed he cared about me, because he didn't want me to catch anything. He tried to convince me I was being a twat because he was being considerate.

Needless to say, I told him to leave.

I'm so sorry, OP 💐

And the gaslighting trophy of the year goes to ...

your tw*t of an ex-husband. I'm speechless!

CarnelianArtist · 28/06/2023 10:17

blackbeardsballsack · 27/06/2023 21:51

I mean, really?

Show quote history

This is possible though unlikely. I read about someone saying they had a point addiction, we're waking a lot and did this to avoid making a mess at work etc... strange I know.

I'd still prepare for the worst. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It depends on the rest of his behaviour though, if he's out late a lot, distant, making an effort with appearance etc...

Greenlaser · 28/06/2023 10:24

Superdupes · 28/06/2023 09:20

You literally just quoted a post where the OP said it isn't the first time - so he clearly didn't regret it and it clearly wasn't just a one off.

Are you honestly saying she shouldn't leave her cheating OH because the next man she meets might also end up cheating on her?

Show quote history

Fair point, but its still possible to regret things as we get older - we all age, we lose our looks, youth, agility etc and its only then when one reflects on one's past and realises that his best option was to stay on the path of fidelity... at least for the sake of the children.

As for the 'next guy' option, is it worth starting a new relationship especially if you have kids? How will effect them psychologically? That man IS still their father albeit an idiot - but he can't remain one indefinitely.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/06/2023 10:26

🌺

adriftabroad · 28/06/2023 10:37

IMO he has hidden his money safely already. He has "divorce proofed" himself as much as possible. He did that 10 years ago.
I gave up caring when I realised that.
I spent nearly a year getting:
advice from several lawyers (alarmingly different)
Birth certficates
renewing passports
marriage certificates.

SO GET THESE NOW

These are the important things.
What he has done is vile but irrelevant.

So agree with PP about buying expensive items in the next week.
It is brutal but I am getting through it and so will you. Never marry a man you would not happily divorce. This man is not a nice man. But he will be in a whole world of pain regarding his finances hidden or not. He will be angry.

pendleflyer · 28/06/2023 10:38

MsRosley · 28/06/2023 09:36

Most people don't have your incredibly low standards and lack of self respect.

Show quote history

A mean-spirited response to an honest post. I'd ignore @MsRosley and be thankful you aren't stood outside any school gates with same or hopefully similar.

TiredandHungry19 · 28/06/2023 10:51

OP I would wait for him to go away again and then do a deep dive in your house for financial documents. It is easier than you'd think for someone self employed to hide money and to lie on their Form E when applying to court for a financial settlement. See a solicitor asap, make your arrangements, move money where you can without it being obvious to him, if you are going to need any big purchases in the short term put them on a joint credit card etc, but don't make it obvious until you've done as much digging into that money as is humanly possible because once he realises what you're doing it is too late

Amillionlovesongslater · 28/06/2023 11:17

SmartHome · 27/06/2023 23:32

Posh wank what a fucking joke, have any men actually ever done this? They'd just use a cloth or a sock FFS.

I was curious and asked my husband about this and he said he sometimes does, apparently it feels more like a vagina than just using your hand. I'd never heard of a posh wank until I read it on here last night.
Not saying this is what's happened in ops situation, she is obviously has her reasons for thinking he's cheating.

jojo2202 · 28/06/2023 11:30

@smarthome yep definitely. feeling is different

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 28/06/2023 11:59

I'd also go and see every solicitor in town and the local area for a free consultation, that way the cheating bastard can't use them. But I'm just selfish like that, I wouldn't want to make his life easier when you do file for divorce

Ariela · 28/06/2023 12:02

I'd stay quiet till you have the full info on his business.
To get the financial info, I'd act completely as normal, and, in the light of the announcement that Hunt will unveil pension reforms. I'd suggest to your OH that you need to be one step ahead because it could severely impact future finances, and say you both go to see a financial advisor and look to how you can save appropriate money for pensions and for DCs university. In fact I'd check his diary and invite a pensions/IFA person round one evening.
Then if you can access his emails, or phone and ask his accountant to send him copies of last 3 years financial statements.

1983Louise · 28/06/2023 12:03

Perhaps he wanted you to find them...............

huntingcunting · 28/06/2023 12:28

blackbeardsballsack · 27/06/2023 21:51

I mean, really?

Show quote history

There are people obsessed with posh wanks. Someone shows up on every thread where a wife/partner has found condoms and says nah, he's probably not having an affair, he's having a posh wank.

There was even some bloke showed up on a thread a couple of days ago explaining that he does indeed have posh wanks so that's the most likely explanation for the missing condoms in the bedroom drawer.

Hertsessex · 28/06/2023 12:37

ringsaglitter · 28/06/2023 00:35

Don't do this. This is just weird.

Show quote history

Never mind being weird. It is also pointless - of course he will notice! You can't reseal these things properly and no way would somebody not notice powder in there. Whoever came up with this idea has never opened a condom packet.

Greendress22 · 28/06/2023 12:38

I’m sorry this has happened, it’s just awful. I agree with others, give yourself a few days to get some money to one side. Sort your finances so you and the kids are protected. You could also book an appointment with a solicitor to get some advice. If you have yourself sorted first you are going in prepared.