Just found condoms in husband's bag

[girlfromtheloch]

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

I don't think it is unusual especially when one half of the couple is self-employed and big variance in income month to month or year to year.

Hope you are ok OP.

No real advice but just to say how sorry I am and how sickened by his selfish awful behaviour. All the best x

If the house is in joint names he does not have to leave it, whatever you say. The only way you can force him is if there is a domestic violence issue which I assume there isn't. If he goes to a solicitor he will be told to not leave the house so bear that in mind. If you can get him to leave of his own accord (maybe by saying its temporary etc) then change the locks that will be bettetm but he can stay if its either his house or a joint name. Once he leaves he is in a weaker position and a solicitor will tell him that so try to get job to go before he gets legal advice.

I’m so sorry your going through this.. you are strong and will get through it.. unfortunately because he is making you.. I hope you find happiness

Both parties must complete a legal financial declaration as part of any financial agreements “sealed” by courts- even one you both agree amicably (consent order)
this is form d81 and often form E which is a more detailed version of form d81
it is a criminal offence to falsify data on this form or not declare ALL assets or not correctly value them (assets must include all income, savings, investments, pensions, property and significant chattels, and if a business is involved valuation for that).

the op having copies of assets in joint and her husbands name at this stage can ensure he does fill in forms correctly and completely, or ensure he is not financially funnelling off funds pre divorce. Whilst she can’t use legally to show he is carrying out the criminal offence ( actually 2 offenses he will be guilty of) she can show her solicitor to engage a forensic accountant who will have legal authority to dig into spouses finances to confirm inconsistencies

sadly, too many people get away with either not legally disclosing everything and committing a crime that goes undetected, or spouses can’t afford forensic accountants, or where they are found to have committed the offence the courts are reluctant to use full force of law to punish .

where someone is already in a relationship with someone else there is a higher risk of this potentially.

You can’t change the locks either without his consent actually.

You cannot legally change the locks, but that's what I actually did years ago, when abusive XH went. In some situations it may be better to risk it and deal with consequences later, even if you have to change the locks back. I'm not saying this is true in the OP's case.

Please use ADVICE NOW guides on the link MN have provided at top of the divorce/separation page. Download there guides and read, read, read.

you will get 30 mins max free with a solicitor, and that’ll be mostly 15 mins of you explaining, them doing 10 mins high level here’s the process, and a 5 minute sale pitch.

Read first. Then go onto uk gov.com divorce site, look at processes there, download and read forms you will need to use. Get your head around the process, the “fair settlement” rules ( note 50:50 is not a starting point in law, or anything in law, it is what most people end up with where there is surplus income on basic needs, or no children) , assess what your likely outcome re kids and finances will be based on that . Figure out form ADVICE NOW guides the specific tasks you want and will need a solicitor to do.

then Go to a solicitor, only ask the questions you couldn’t get answers to form your research. Get your free 30 mins minutes, straight to point don’t waste time on your background or woes or concerns- the solicitor won’t solve these

remember a solicitor cost £200+ per hour. You very minute you ask questions you can get the answers to form internet, or advice now guides is wasting you £3 or more . They’ll be happy to listen to your woes, tell you they can fight your corner or anything else they think you want to hear and your money is being wasted. Yes, you will need a solicitor for some specific tarts even for most amicable of divorces, but be clear, precise, to the point and know exactly what tasks you are using them for and ,make that clear to them.

Tasks not tarts 🤦‍♀️🤣

It can serve as proof if her NVDH decides to try and either hide money or spend it up. To me, I always think it best to try and retrieve 1/2 of any savings and checking before you give him his walking papers. But pictures/proof of any retirement accts., pensions, stocks or mutual funds are also important, as is title to a car if it's in your name, mortgage information, debt info etc.

Always get your ducks in a row before you execute a plan.

Did I really just read there is a low divorce if there is religion/God 🤣 my time in church showed me a woman who had an affair with another woman and left her husband, the local God guy married, happy famines facebook and all that had STD from sleeping around and passed it on to his wife, we had to pray for her, a couple who had a baby and church was about to marry them until found out he was cheating, then they went to war with each on custody. And so much more. This is just once church but friends go to other churches and church / God doesn't stop temptation. Only on mumsnet can you read something so fake 😆

This is very useful to me. Thank you!

Op be very careful and financially plan before you do anything. Depending on his accounts, how much he declares that he earns etc there’s a good chance you will never see a penny in maintenance to help with your children. Even if it’s calculated he owes an amount, getting it is another story.

Not sure how some bs comment about religion helps OP.

Statistics do bear out what @Greenlaser said.

//However, for those who were active in their church, the divorce rate was 27 to 50 percent lower than for non-churchgoers. Nominal Christians - those who simply call themselves “Christians” but do not actively engage with the faith—are actually 20 percent more likely than the general population to get divorced.//
(Barna Research Group study)
https://www.gotquestions.org/Christian-divorce-rate.html

I think that’s for the USA.

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. It really sucks when our SO lets us down.

This is some of the best advice I have ever read on MN!

@Appleofmyeye2023 Your posts have been very informative and useful! I think many MNers will benefit.

Divorce rates are lower for Churchgoers because divorce is taboo. It’s not because Church goers are more happily married. I grew up in a large middle class family, all religious……. And mostly utterly miserable in their long marriages. But they don’t get divorced because it would be frowned upon by their peers. My parents have been married 50+ years and they can barely stand the sight of each other, affairs happened behind closed doors. The lower rate of divorce isn’t always a great thing!

I heard a mumsnetter relay the story of a man/woman that got a load of free 30 min sessions with the best solicitors local to them and it meant his/her ex couldn't use any of them due to a potential conflict of interest and made it bloody awkward.

Yeh, look at that northern Irish dentist!!
He murdered his wife and his lover's husband. He was a pillar of the church community which is WHY he could not divorce.

That sounds like a version of a plot line from Succession.

If its a joint account, I'd work out roughly your share and move it to an account with your name on it for now. Before you tell him anything.

Because people have been known to clean out joint accounts when confronted.
Never think it won't happen to you. Seen several women on here in the last few years in that very situation. Left without a bean to care for themselves and their kids. Never thought he could do such a thing.

I’m so sorry, OP. Is it an an affair or prostitutes? The reason I ask is because for my friend’s husband it was the latter and their marriage actually did survive it (although it’s not great tbh). Maybe that wouldn’t make a difference to you, and it sounds like you’ve already made your mind up, though.