Just found condoms in husband's bag

[girlfromtheloch]

This isn't the first time. Expiry date is 2024 so they must have been purchased in the last 5 years from what I understand. We've been together for 11 years. We're married with two children.
The relationship is over for me now. Is there anything I need to do before I confront him on this? He is likely to be at his computer working until late tonight so I have time to work this out in my head a bit. I feel numb at the moment.

I mean, it would be a bit better if he posted as if his one brain cell wasn't quite so lonely out in the wilderness! I reported, but MN aren't quite on it yet.

@Mumsnet. Can you bring the big mallet out to hit the red button on the child posting? I know he'll have to get ready for school soon, but he's cutting it fine.

Thanks MN. That was a bit...tedious.

Condoms and cheating does not mean you have to split up. Perhaps you can have a good marriage. It’s happened to us and there was cheating without the condoms, which is even worse. Really depends on the rest of yr relationship.

And he would be entitled to 50% of the other house, so depending values it may be easier to say ‘you have this one, I’ll keep the other’.

His is probably worth more and in a nicer area if OP doesn't want to move back to her own house with their children.

I'm so sorry op, it's horrible x

OP, a forensic accountant could be money well spent if you think there is any chance of him hiding assets.

Reach out to family and friends.

Try and get a recommendation for a good solicitor to represent you.

Get organised as quietly as you can.

@iiamnottoofatiamjusttooshort sorry you've had this too. He wanted to continue the conversation by pm but I waited until he'd seen my comment about it all being a bit unsavoury, the blocked the little Feckenham.

So you are married? Yes?
But not a joint owner of the house?

And he has a business but you have no idea of his income or savings?

I am really sorry you have found the condoms, but your marriage sounds far from good anyway. Lack of communication around money for a start.
Why does he not share these details? Why don't you insist?

He must have company accounts that he has submitted to Companies House and he must use and accountant surely for the business. You can find that info by putting his name into CH website, but bear in mind some money can be hidden as dividends, shares, etc not just simple annual profit.

He sounds as if he is not really in your marriage.

Sometimes, being blunt, I think men 'allow' condoms to be found. He's not exactly hiding the evidence is he, especially if he's been rumbled before.

How has an account been approved with the username Cunt1? Really MN, raise the standard.

I can tell you for a fact that you’re wrong about that. But I’d agree that this is not why this dude has condoms.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

I would tell him he either hands you his phone and computer, both unlocked, or leaves immediately.

Clever not to tell him. I know it’s hard but just try to stay quiet for as long as possible.

See the solicitor first, you’re going to have a massive head start and advantage if you sneak up.

You’re clearly strong, smart and stealth.

Youre going to be okay xxx

@DeliciouslyDecadent you’re being cruel and victim blaming someone at their most vulnerable & pouncing on them.

He had the majority of the wealth and his own business to begin with, this isn’t uncommon.

You married a lemon or had children/lived with on. You won’t be the first woman to have done this and you won’t be the last. It’s a relationship, not a corporate merger - it’s sometimes hard to see these things coming when you’re emotional & vulnerable a Mother & so on.

No I don’t think the condoms were left on purpose. Anything is possible but this is silly.

I would definitely see a solicitor first before alerting DH It sounds like he is quite sneaky and you need to know the exact financial position to get a fair settlement in a divorce.

I read in your post OP that you are not sure how much he earns but that he is a 'high earner' - Everyone is this common? I couldn't be in a marriage that wasn't open about finances and the financial position of our family.

OP that to me is a alert sign that you must see a solicitor / divorce lawyer.

No I'm not.

I was observing how this man is not really in the marriage. he is hiding his finances, hasn't allowed the OP to be a joint owner of their home, and appears to live as a single man while he is married.

I'm not blaming the OP. I'm trying to explain what a shitty man he is.

At least he's using protection I guess...I don't think my ex husband even showed me that much respect and I had the humiliation of going for my first ever STI test at the age of 39.

Op, people can and will advise you many different things but you have to handle this however you feel best for you and your situation/family. I found out about y ex's affair and packed him a bag that same day. When he got home from work I handed him the bag, told him I knew and asked him to leave.

He did, as apart from not being able to resist a bit of female attention, he was and is a decent man in other respects. I didn't gather any documents as they were all in the house he was leaving any way and I just didn't feel the need. It was me who dealt with all of the financial stuff anyway so I don't think he'd have a clue what he was looking for. In fact, 4 years later when we divorced, it was me who gave him most of the documents he needed.

We have a good co-parenting relationship and are planning a university open day trip for our eldest at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I was broken by what he did but I was always thinking of our dc before anything else and by not doing what I really felt like doing at the time (various acts of revenge), I think they have benefitted in the long run, as have I.

But that was me, I probably didn't handle everything as best I could but I did what I felt was right for me and our dc, not what someone else might have done.

Sorry this has happened to you and good luck.

So sorry to know this.....

Do you know why he feels the need to cheat on his wife and kids of 11 years?

Is he drinking more than usual or taking any antidepressants?

I hope he realises the consequences of his actions and not seeing his kids anymore....

If you're absolutely sure he regrets it and it was just a one off, it may be worth imagining what your situation will be in say 7 years ahead? Like, say you do split but you do find a Mr Nice guy but he also does the same thing. See, we never know what's around the corner but we should always have contingency plans.

Best....

Please also get yourself tested for STI's I know it's not what you want to think about right now but rather sooner than later xxx

Here is an idea. Prepare everything that you can anyway. Then confront him about it and prepare everything. Allow him to think he has a chance, but only if you put all the accounts in both your joint names so that you can trust him.

After about six months of that when everything is set up, you can choose what you want to do. Play him at his game.

You don’t have to be the poor party, you have to look out for your best interest believe me nobody else will.