Page 6 | Manchild sleeping through pick ups

Turtleyturtles · 2023-06-27T10:44:25+00:00

My ex who (still lives me) with was fast asleep yesterday when he should have been picking up the kids. This is the 4th time this has happened in the last month. On one occasion the school rang me because our 4yo and 8yo were in reception waiting to be picked up. He was asleep then too. After the first time it happened he promised to set an alarm. Second time he was asleep and forgot to pick them up he blamed me - he sleeps so much and says he is depressed because I ended our relationship. I ended it because he is a manchild who contributes zero financially and doesn't pull his weight with childcare or housework either. He works from home and often ends up napping at about 3pm. He says he can't help it. We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months. But I'm not sure what to do about him sleeping through pick ups. I don't want to take over. His share of the picks up is his responsibility. Nor do I want to add 'wake up dad' to my list of jobs! If he is late to pick them up for after school club, we get charged another hour, which I ask him to pay. But beyond that, any ideas?

blacksax · 27/06/2023 22:35

My god, he really is a useless fucking twat isn't he?

(not helpful I know, but I am so annoyed on your behalf!)

Dumbphone · 27/06/2023 22:44

this sort of shit with my ex led me to one conclusion: I would never rely on him for anything. I pay someone to collect my kids despite the extortionate cost as he just isn’t able to be reliable.

This comes with significant benefits for me.

Kids don’t get upset dad has let them down.
I don’t have to speak to ex.
I rely on only trusted people so I never worry someone won’t be there
they get a lovely childminder who makes them dinner and plays with them

really you need to put total boundaries in now. Him out your house this weekend. You tell his mum. You’re not there to protect him, get rid.

you cannot allow your children to experience this again, it must feel very sad for them not knowing who will turn up. DO NOT let it happen again.

SwordToFlamethrower · 27/06/2023 22:58

You don't do his meals and laundry do you?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/06/2023 23:01

A word of warning - make sure he knows it isn’t a case of ‘him moving out in 6 months time’.

Because it isn’t.

He needs to move out on or before (date). That date is 6 months from when you first agreed that he had 6 months to move. So it is probably more like 3 or 4 or 5 months now.

And get the counsellor to reinforce this with him at your next appointment.

Knittingisacraptherapy · 27/06/2023 23:34

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this but can you move your internet server to your bedroom and pull the plug when you go to bed?
it's possible he's so fucking tired during the day because he's online most of the night?
The man's a twat and you don't need a twat as an example to your DC. Plus six months notice is ludicrous, it will only get worse, cut the apron strings, tell his mum she can have him back and change the locks, he's pissed you about for long enough, OP, time to go to court to get him out of your home.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 28/06/2023 04:29

AuntieJune · 27/06/2023 18:36

I mean, sure he's not stepping up and you'd be better apart, but is he actually horribly depressed?

If he's depressed he needs to say so and seek help. Being depressed doesn't make it ok to treat your partner like this or to sleep through school pick up for your DC. If he is depressed OP can't make him better or make him get help, but she can do the right thing and prioritise her DC after years of putting up with this. It would be all sorts of wrong to keep on trying to support someone who's behaved like this because they might be depressed.There's lots of depressed parents out there who got help so they could go on functioning for their DCs sake. At some point you have to say enough, especially when there's children involved. OPs DC need at least one fully present parent focused them and their needs and OP deserves better than this too.

cracktheshutters · 28/06/2023 06:44

Wow, I feel so emotionally invested in this story and can’t wait for you to get him out your home!

I think not picking the kids up is a last ditch attempt at controlling you. If you lose your head with him, you’ll be giving him the attention he so desperately wants.

if it’s affordable for you, and considering you will likely need to do this after he has moved out, I would organise for someone else to collect your kids (au pair, childminder) and maybe even help with homework or reading etc on those days, just the stuff you usually
do when you collect the kids (and stuff your useless STBXP SHOULD be doing). In counselling you could ask him for half the money for it if you can be a*sed !

TickingKey46 · 28/06/2023 07:06

The only thing is though. I think it's seen as a "safeguarding concern" by school. If it keeps on happening. So a referral may be made to social services. Not something you want!

RedToothBrush · 28/06/2023 08:43

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 19:28

This is what it says on the Citizens Advice website. He is on the title deeds because he owns a share of our home.

"If you own your home

You have the right to stay in the home if you're married, in a civil partnership or on the 'title deeds' - the document that proves who owns your home.

If you're both named on the title deeds

If you're both on the title deeds, it means you both own your home. You'll both need to decide what happens to your home.

You might both own the whole property together - known as 'joint tenancy'. You might own the property in joint names but you each own a specific share of its value - known as ‘tenancy in common’. If you’re tenants in common your shares might be equal - for example, half each - or unequal. You can find out what kind of joint ownership you have on GOV.UK.

If you can't agree what happens to your home. You can go to mediation to help you reach an agreement. You can find out more about mediation.

If you’re not married or in a civil partnership, you can ask the court to decide what happens to your home. The court will usually divide your home’s value between you according to the shares you own. If you have children, you might be able to ask the court to delay selling your home until your youngest child is 18. You’ll need legal help to do this - you can find a solicitor on the Resolution website."

So we both need to decide what happens to our home. If we can't, it's mediation then solicitors and asking the court to decide what happens to our home. This is my understanding. I might well be confused though and would prefer something much quicker.

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You have a clear legal agreement on what % he owns. So get a house valuation.

Can he buy you out? No. So his options are to force a sale or to accept a valuation and let you buy him out. If he can't buy you out his options are somewhat limited to letting you buy him out. Either way the idea that you 'cant decide' what happens is mute. You don't really need a mediator in this situation apart to agree to the valuation. He is likely to be difficult about the valuation and drag his feet over it all, but that's where the court order comes in. In terms of 'agreeing what happens to the house' there isnt much to actually agree to - other situations where people own the house 50 / 50 and are arguing who should live there with the kids this is more applicable.

I think you ultimately are misunderstanding the advice there.

Seriously get a solicitor and get a house valuation.

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:11

RedToothBrush · 28/06/2023 08:43

You have a clear legal agreement on what % he owns. So get a house valuation.

Can he buy you out? No. So his options are to force a sale or to accept a valuation and let you buy him out. If he can't buy you out his options are somewhat limited to letting you buy him out. Either way the idea that you 'cant decide' what happens is mute. You don't really need a mediator in this situation apart to agree to the valuation. He is likely to be difficult about the valuation and drag his feet over it all, but that's where the court order comes in. In terms of 'agreeing what happens to the house' there isnt much to actually agree to - other situations where people own the house 50 / 50 and are arguing who should live there with the kids this is more applicable.

I think you ultimately are misunderstanding the advice there.

Seriously get a solicitor and get a house valuation.

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Thanks for the advice. I've just emailed a solicitor to arrange an initial appointment. You are right in what you say. I think the tricky part is that I don't want to sell the house, I love where we live and I love the house. The children are settled too. So if I get the house valued, he would still need to agree to move out (taking his share with him). Unless I put the house on the market to force the matter. But I would want to buy the house! And even then he would have to agree to selling the house because he is on the title deeds. So I think this is where the mediation and solicitors come in. He has agreed to move out but as PP say, there will always be excuses and he will drag his feet unless there are serious, legal deadlines. So this is what I need I think, dates and deadlines for proceedings to begin. I still may have misunderstood of course...

OP posts:

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:16

cracktheshutters · 28/06/2023 06:44

Wow, I feel so emotionally invested in this story and can’t wait for you to get him out your home!

I think not picking the kids up is a last ditch attempt at controlling you. If you lose your head with him, you’ll be giving him the attention he so desperately wants.

if it’s affordable for you, and considering you will likely need to do this after he has moved out, I would organise for someone else to collect your kids (au pair, childminder) and maybe even help with homework or reading etc on those days, just the stuff you usually
do when you collect the kids (and stuff your useless STBXP SHOULD be doing). In counselling you could ask him for half the money for it if you can be a*sed !

Thank you! I can't wait too. When he's away I love it, everything is so calm and easy.

I absolutely agree. We have a childminder and she's amazing. It's so straight forward asking her to do picks up etc. And he is paying half the counselling although he was reluctant saying he didn't want to go etc. But as a PP has said, at least he is engaging with it. He thinks the counsellor is on my side and that she doesn't understand him so he rages about this after every appointment. But he keeps going back, so that's good. Low bar though eh?!

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OhBling · 28/06/2023 09:23

Op, I'm also weirdly invested! I'm glad that you've decided to be more proactive. I just want to warn you, from bitter experience, that he will ramp up these behaviours once he realises that you really aren't going to be facilitating him any more. So be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

Unfortunately, also based on what you've said here, the chance are that he will disappear from the DC's lives quite significantly AND simultaneously blame you for that. So you're going to have to manage that as well.

But your solicitor will be able to advise you. It seems weird to me that a man who owns 10% of the house and who isn't in a relationship with the actual home owner can refuse to move out. but I'm not a lawyer so hopefully you'll get some help on your options there! And once he's out, get the keys off of him. Bitter experience teaches me that he'll want to have his contact time with the DC at YOUR house and therefore thinks he needs a key, but that way lies madness, I promise you.

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:25

SwordToFlamethrower · 27/06/2023 22:58

You don't do his meals and laundry do you?

No I don't! He does all the laundry (badly). And he does the dishwasher, again badly, he's always behind with it, so the kitchen is always a mess. And he leaves a soup of dirty water in the washing up bowl, like a student might, with the dishcloth floating in it.

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Dullardmullard · 28/06/2023 09:29

Do you share a bed still or have separate rooms

no shared labour. You do you and the kids laundry, meals etc he does his own unless parenting his kids.

hope the appointment goes well

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:30

OhBling · 28/06/2023 09:23

Op, I'm also weirdly invested! I'm glad that you've decided to be more proactive. I just want to warn you, from bitter experience, that he will ramp up these behaviours once he realises that you really aren't going to be facilitating him any more. So be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

Unfortunately, also based on what you've said here, the chance are that he will disappear from the DC's lives quite significantly AND simultaneously blame you for that. So you're going to have to manage that as well.

But your solicitor will be able to advise you. It seems weird to me that a man who owns 10% of the house and who isn't in a relationship with the actual home owner can refuse to move out. but I'm not a lawyer so hopefully you'll get some help on your options there! And once he's out, get the keys off of him. Bitter experience teaches me that he'll want to have his contact time with the DC at YOUR house and therefore thinks he needs a key, but that way lies madness, I promise you.

Thank you, that's good advice and I agree, he will blame me and I don't think there is much I can do about that. Also, yes I think it's weird too that he can refuse to move out! I really hope I have got this wrong. I think that even if he didn't own 10%, he would still have 'home rights', i.e. rights to live in the home and I couldn't force him out. Thanks for the advice about the key, I think he would want to come here yes, to enjoy the facilities and make a mess!

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OhBling · 28/06/2023 09:31

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:25

No I don't! He does all the laundry (badly). And he does the dishwasher, again badly, he's always behind with it, so the kitchen is always a mess. And he leaves a soup of dirty water in the washing up bowl, like a student might, with the dishcloth floating in it.

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And yet, I BET when you were together, he expected you to drop to your knees and give him a BJ every time it got done AND if you ever complained, told you that you were "nagging" or "controlling" (words men use to turn the focus on you so that you feel you can't ask for perfectly normal things).

SheilaFentiman · 28/06/2023 09:31

Does your counsellor know he is sleeping through pick ups? Because that seems the exact opposite of her 'goal' of a drawn out split to help the kids deal with it!

How old are the kids?

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:32

Dullardmullard · 28/06/2023 09:29

Do you share a bed still or have separate rooms

no shared labour. You do you and the kids laundry, meals etc he does his own unless parenting his kids.

hope the appointment goes well

Thank you, we have separate bedrooms, have done for many years.

And thank you. I will update on how it goes on here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 09:35

OhBling · 28/06/2023 09:31

And yet, I BET when you were together, he expected you to drop to your knees and give him a BJ every time it got done AND if you ever complained, told you that you were "nagging" or "controlling" (words men use to turn the focus on you so that you feel you can't ask for perfectly normal things).

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Haha! Yes, he calls me controlling and has accused me of nagging. And yes, it's a clever tactic to make me feel like I can't ask for perfectly normal things, absolutely. Not the BJ thing though, he's not very interested in sex. Probably cos I'm his mum!

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veryfluffyfluff · 28/06/2023 09:39

I would tell his mum. And also say he has 4 months left to move out. I know it's up to him but he's had 2 months and hasn't told her. She might give him a kick up the bum.

00100001 · 28/06/2023 10:00

Sausageeggschipsandbeans · 27/06/2023 18:53

He doesn’t sound like he is open to reason. What’s the alternative? Leave the kids at school? The school calls him but gets no response so who do they call?

It isn’t about managing him but managing the impact on the OP. Realistically, is he going to suddenly change?

Just because someone is right, it doesn’t mean it will be right.

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gain, why is this the OPs problem?

The adult in charge is the one to sort this out - what if OP was out on a business trip in Portugal? They'd call someone like SS and the man would soon fucking sort his act out.

Begonne · 28/06/2023 10:18

Your counsellor sounds shit. She’s caught up in the narcissist web because she feels like she’s getting through to him. Great ego boost but a professional should be on guard for that. She’s going to fix him in four months? Hah!

Can he not move in with his dm while he looks for a place to live. That would sort out the problem with her not knowing. If it’s absolutely necessary that a woman take on the load of waking a man to collect his own dc, I don’t see what it should be you… or the school teachers….or his elderly dm … or his eventual new girlfriend but the only one you have control over is you.

He will be a Victim regardless. He will have his poor me narrative. Your reputation is not salvageable so let it go. Because your sanity still is.

It’s time to take your life back and the thing that’s standing in the way of doing that is this useless lump of a man.

(maybe the stupid counsellor would like to take over the nap waking duties)

Ellie56 · 28/06/2023 10:42

@Turtleyturtles Stop faffing about with counsellors and get your scary mum round again to scare the shit out of him so he agrees to the house valuation and moves out pronto!

And tell his mum as well. There's no way he's going to do it.

Original poster

Turtleyturtles · 28/06/2023 11:03

Ellie56 · 28/06/2023 10:42

@Turtleyturtles Stop faffing about with counsellors and get your scary mum round again to scare the shit out of him so he agrees to the house valuation and moves out pronto!

And tell his mum as well. There's no way he's going to do it.

Haha! Yes, my mum would love to do that. We are taking the kids to see her soon and she'll be onto him with her pointy finger and angry face!

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SheilaFentiman · 28/06/2023 11:08

Yay! But also.... why is he going with you?

Do your kids know yet that you are about to split?