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Original poster

Manchild sleeping through pick ups

211 replies

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 11:44

My ex who (still lives me) with was fast asleep yesterday when he should have been picking up the kids. This is the 4th time this has happened in the last month. On one occasion the school rang me because our 4yo and 8yo were in reception waiting to be picked up. He was asleep then too. After the first time it happened he promised to set an alarm. Second time he was asleep and forgot to pick them up he blamed me - he sleeps so much and says he is depressed because I ended our relationship. I ended it because he is a manchild who contributes zero financially and doesn't pull his weight with childcare or housework either. He works from home and often ends up napping at about 3pm. He says he can't help it.

We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months. But I'm not sure what to do about him sleeping through pick ups. I don't want to take over. His share of the picks up is his responsibility. Nor do I want to add 'wake up dad' to my list of jobs! If he is late to pick them up for after school club, we get charged another hour, which I ask him to pay. But beyond that, any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 15:20

80s · 27/06/2023 15:08

So sorry you have one of these deadweights. Don't let him drag you down. I gave in to the weaponised incompetence, not knowing what else to do, there being no-one else to look after the kids. But it sounds like you have a better grasp of what's going on. Wish there'd been this kind of forum in my day.

Yes, it's brilliant that this forum exists and I'm so grateful for it, I'm a keen reader of Talk. It gives me strength. The women on here are just incredible. I'm sorry it didn't exist in your day and thanks, I do have a grasp of what's going on to some extent and I'm looking forward to a better life without manchild.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 15:25

OhBling · 27/06/2023 15:18

why on earth haven't you told her? Unless you have zero contact with her, don't let him pull you into his shit!

I'm with a PP - I don't even know you but I'm already invested in you losing this waster from your life!

Show quote history

I think it's his job, but maybe I should tell her? I have told DC, our childminder and my family. So she should know, for the DC's sake really.

Thank you! A waster he is.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 27/06/2023 15:29

"And he still hasn't told her we've split up."

Well, it is his job, but he ain't gonna do it - so you go ahead!

WrinklyDad · 27/06/2023 15:31

From another dads perspective....

Tell him to sort his sh!t out and pick up his kids!!! Occasionally life happens (traffic work etc) but there is no excuse for leaving his kids waiting at all.

SheilaFentiman · 27/06/2023 15:35

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 13:01

Yes, surely, you would think so. But apparently not because he doesn't know when he going to fall alseep, bless. Poor exhausted poppet. It's pathetic, childish and irresponsible.

On iphone at least, it is possible to set an alarm in advance, by day - so he could just set it for 5pm every Wed and Fri or whatever and if he's not asleep and it goes off, no biggy

RedToothBrush · 27/06/2023 15:41

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 15:00

Yes his mum is local, so excellent idea, thank you. She won't stand for it, she has already stopped him from taking the kids round to hers (when it's his turn to look after them at the weekend) because he lies on her bed on his phone, letting the kids make a mess and leaving her to look after them. And leaving her to tidy up. She's SEVENTY EIGHT! And he still hasn't told her we've split up.

Show quote history

He has no intention of moving out in six months.

Why is he able to sleep in the middle of the day? Does he have a job?

The fact he hasn't told his mother you've split is a sure sign he isn't preparing to move out as he says. He's hoping to freeload off you forever more.

Who cooks dinner?

Go to court now and bin him off.

You don't want to stay with this waste of space and his actions only serve to reinforce that. I bet you haven't told the counselor that have you?

This isn't an amicable split. It's him not being arsed to split up with you. You are his mother not his wife in his head ...

LoisPrice · 27/06/2023 15:41

Its not your issue to tell your MIL that you are splitting up, its down to your soon to be ex

Pick up from school - are they the somedays each week?

I'd have a chat with the form teacher, unbeknown to anyone else and let her/him have your ex number, also pass onto school admin staff, and days he picks up from school. Tell teacher to call the number if there is a no show or dc is sick at school etc as you're not available on those days.

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 16:18

We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months.

My first though was WHY get him OUT! I know your therapist has said to do this but in the mean time you’re left with a pathetic waste of human skin!!

Any way you can accelerate this process to get him out your life?

Quiverer · 27/06/2023 16:20

I'd be tempted to install a hidden loudspeaker connected to your phone, and then blow whistles down the phone loudly at picking up time, interspersed with loud instructions to get off his backside NOW and collect his children.

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 16:25

Quiverer · 27/06/2023 16:20

I'd be tempted to install a hidden loudspeaker connected to your phone, and then blow whistles down the phone loudly at picking up time, interspersed with loud instructions to get off his backside NOW and collect his children.

Why should she do this?

Coyoacan · 27/06/2023 16:46

You can't trust him to have the children's best interests at heart. He is hurting them to get back at you. If he is occupying a bedroom right now, maybe you could get an au pair next week after you've kicked him out.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/06/2023 16:51

If my husband did this ONCE, I would tear him a new one. I would go round the bend! 4 times in a month?! Coz he’s napping?! Fair enough if he’s over the age of 90 but I’m assuming he’s not? He’s a waster! Please don’t say you’re spending good money on councillors? What’s the point? You’re splitting up anyway. Fucking hell I’d tell him to get out ASAP.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 16:53

bonzaitree · 27/06/2023 16:18

We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months.

My first though was WHY get him OUT! I know your therapist has said to do this but in the mean time you’re left with a pathetic waste of human skin!!

Any way you can accelerate this process to get him out your life?

I want him out as soon as possible. The only way I can accelerate it is by being very clear and direct, with deadlines and red lines. If you don't move out by X date then mediation starts on this date followed by solicitors and court. Because he owns 10% of the house (as stated on the deeds), I can't force him to leave unfortunately. Either we have to decide how to split our assets and work out how we look after the children ourselves, or the court does. He would be terrified of this, so he will move out if he knows solicitors and court is coming. And I will start proceedings if he doesn't move out.

Unless anyone knows any different?

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 16:54

Coyoacan · 27/06/2023 16:46

You can't trust him to have the children's best interests at heart. He is hurting them to get back at you. If he is occupying a bedroom right now, maybe you could get an au pair next week after you've kicked him out.

Nice idea. He is occupying a bedroom yes. An pair would be SO much better, cheaper too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 16:57

RedToothBrush · 27/06/2023 15:41

He has no intention of moving out in six months.

Why is he able to sleep in the middle of the day? Does he have a job?

The fact he hasn't told his mother you've split is a sure sign he isn't preparing to move out as he says. He's hoping to freeload off you forever more.

Who cooks dinner?

Go to court now and bin him off.

You don't want to stay with this waste of space and his actions only serve to reinforce that. I bet you haven't told the counselor that have you?

This isn't an amicable split. It's him not being arsed to split up with you. You are his mother not his wife in his head ...

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Food for thought, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 17:01

Moveoverdarlin · 27/06/2023 16:51

If my husband did this ONCE, I would tear him a new one. I would go round the bend! 4 times in a month?! Coz he’s napping?! Fair enough if he’s over the age of 90 but I’m assuming he’s not? He’s a waster! Please don’t say you’re spending good money on councillors? What’s the point? You’re splitting up anyway. Fucking hell I’d tell him to get out ASAP.

Haha! He's well under 90. I am paying for a counsellor to get him out, so we are talking about the future, concrete steps leading to him moving out. He's gone from denial to acceptance to agreeing to move out. Without the counselling I think I would have had to move out (of the house I bought with my money), because he wouldn't have budged. I did tell him to leave but he said no, "it's my house too, why should I move out?" The counselling is basically for him to get him to face up to life, with me sitting there. More work for me to do, more mental and emotional load. It's not good but I'm not sure what else to do...

OP posts:
averythinline · 27/06/2023 17:08

can you talk to the mortgage company about extending your part do you can get the 10% value..

i wouldn't bother about counselling with him... spend your money on a solution...

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 17:18

averythinline · 27/06/2023 17:08

can you talk to the mortgage company about extending your part do you can get the 10% value..

i wouldn't bother about counselling with him... spend your money on a solution...

I have paid off the mortgage and could give him the 10% from savings. I've told him this but he is convinced our DC need him in the same house and therefore he won't move out. The counsellor has told him this isn't the case, and I think he understands that now and has agreed to move out without going to court. He is a manchild but he's not that bad, in other ways he is an adequate parent.

OP posts:
TheCheeseTray · 27/06/2023 17:23

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 12:52

The school did ring him but he didn't pick up because he was asleep!

Yes, good idea, I will let school know so they can ring him and not me. And I agree, I won't talk to him about it, I'm not his mother or his counsellor.

Show quote history

Well then he knows when he has to pick them up and could set an alarm and chooses not to -if the school ring you as they are unable - I suggest you notify the police to do a well fare check on him - every single bloody time he does it

SheilaFentiman · 27/06/2023 17:25

If he has agreed to move out without going to court, why is he still there? Something specific like an entrance exam for a kid that is the “trigger”?

OhBling · 27/06/2023 17:27

Oh OP, the more you write, the more clear it is that you are dealing with a manipulative man who has done a great job of making everything your problem while he gets to sit around, doing nothing.

time to go talk to a solicitor. I have no idea of the legal issues around him refusing to leave the house but as the majority owner, I'm struggling to see how he thinks he can just stay, especially as you're wiling and able to buy him out right now.

PS How on earth the DC are better off with him in the house when he's fucking sleeping all the time!?

ChocChipHandbag · 27/06/2023 17:29

Get an Alexa and set it to shout at him to wake up, repeatedly. I know that is sort of taking responsibility for waking him up but at least you only have to set it once.

dearJayne · 27/06/2023 17:47

Napping at school pick up time is a choice he's making. He's trying to punish you through the children because he knows you will leave work, collect and go home to him.

Kick him out, pay him out, log everything and set up an email address that you contact him through and only about the kids.

Explain to the school your situation and that you're trying to get him out but he's a manipulative arsehole. I assume they know he is at home? Home time hasn't changed at schools for years now so he's taking the absolute piss.

What a cunt.

INeedAnotherName · 27/06/2023 17:49

If you can afford to buy him out then it's time to see a solicitor. Stop waffling about with a counsellor. Men like him will find new ways to screw you and the children over. He's started on mentally and emotionally abusing the children by "forgetting" to pick them up. He's not a good dad, he's an abusive one.

Of course you could throw money at him. If house is worth £200k his percentage is £20K*. Offer him £30k if he will sign the house over to you by a certain time, say in ONE month. Get solicitors to draw it up. Otherwise tell him it's court and £20k.
Focus his mind.

*Math is not my strong point if this is wrong)

AuntieJoyce · 27/06/2023 17:56

As above, I would spend the money on a solicitor not the bloody counsellor.

if he is entitled to 10% there must be an agreement or trust document somewhere. What are the provisions of the agreement in the event you split up as it should cover this scenario. I can guarantee it won’t say have counselling for six months first

And I would be definitely telling his mother that he hasn’t picked the kids up four times this month because you’ve asked him to move out