Manchild sleeping through pick ups

[Turtleyturtles]

My ex who (still lives me) with was fast asleep yesterday when he should have been picking up the kids. This is the 4th time this has happened in the last month. On one occasion the school rang me because our 4yo and 8yo were in reception waiting to be picked up. He was asleep then too. After the first time it happened he promised to set an alarm. Second time he was asleep and forgot to pick them up he blamed me - he sleeps so much and says he is depressed because I ended our relationship. I ended it because he is a manchild who contributes zero financially and doesn't pull his weight with childcare or housework either. He works from home and often ends up napping at about 3pm. He says he can't help it.

We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months. But I'm not sure what to do about him sleeping through pick ups. I don't want to take over. His share of the picks up is his responsibility. Nor do I want to add 'wake up dad' to my list of jobs! If he is late to pick them up for after school club, we get charged another hour, which I ask him to pay. But beyond that, any ideas?

Men like this often are genuinely confused. Their thinking is so disordered and they are so used to playing the victim/getting what they want that they genuinely don't understand what's happening when suddenly their actual victim pushes back.

Be prepared for it to get messier and uglier as he turns to attack you once he realises he won't be able to just let this one carry on.

Is he even contributing financially while he's living in your house and doing fuck all?

If you are not married (and therefore waiting on divorce/financial order) AND he is working, why do you have to wait six months until he's able to leave?

I'm trying. He owns 10% of the house so I would have to go to court to force him out quicker. I have been kind in the past but not now. I have no truck with the kindess stuff. Our couples counsellor has said to me privately that she thinks giving him 6 months to move out (before going to mediation and then court) is the safest and healthiest way to split for the children and for me. She thinks he has vulnerable narcissit traits and uses emotional blackmail to control me.

I think you are right about this yes, I am the victim and I am pushing back. This confuses him.

He has been contributing financially nominally for the last 4 years of our 26 year relationship (before this he contributed zero). Now I am asking for half of all our outgoings. He resisted saying he couldn't afford it and 'would have to work more' (violins) but last month he finally contributed half.

Yes but your counsellor doesn't have to live with him!!

But the counsellor wins here keeping paying clients for a further 6 months...

Just to point out that 6 months is going to bring you up to Christmas/winter and then he's going to be crying that you wouldn't throw him out in the snow, would you?

I'd take that advice from the mediator with a pinch of salt. You tried to be nice, he's a dick head so why should you keep trying. Get him out

Keep a record of every failure, useful if he tries to claim 50/50.
I have no idea what vulnerable narcissistic traits are, I’d call him lazy and bloody minded.

Haha! True. She is good though and we will have to continue with her well after he has moved out. She delivers stuff and it lands with him. Obviously he doesn't listen to me because I am his 'mum'. Everyone else thinks he is really nice, if a bit eccentric so I need the counsellor because she sees what he is really like. I had no idea about the emotional abuse. Every time I create a boundary he calls me unkind. BRING ON THE UNKINDNESS!

Good idea, thanks, starting a Word document now...

Falling house prices could be your friend here - can you find the capital to pay him out?
10% now is going to be more than in 6 months time if house prices drop, so perhaps that could encourage him to move out.

I would say to dad you need to sort it out because every time you don't pick them up on time it is recorded repeats are pursued as safeguarding concerns and they know when it's your day so that's recorded as neglect by you.

Our couples counsellor has said to me privately that she thinks giving him 6 months to move out (before going to mediation and then court) is the safest and healthiest way to split for the children and for me.

But it's not (anymore). Your children are suffering with him being there. He's only just, this month!, started paying his way instead of effectively stealing your money from the children. He's also doing passive aggressive stuff that they will notice AND he is not looking after them properly. He's fucking up their mental health too in those six months. The only winners are your Ex and the counsellor.

Get the process started for kicking him out. Just because you have agreed on six months doesnt mean he won't squat for a further 4 years.

Definitely start the wheels of the legal process now because it takes so much time.

Why would you want to continue with couples counselling after he moves out? How would that benefit you?

Fairly classic covert narcissistic behaviour. Labels aren't necessarily helpful but it can be useful to spot the behaviours and the attitudes as a way to understand that expecting rational responses is not likely. It's good that your counsellor actually has an effect - often people like this simply rage against the counsellor too, particularly if it's part of joint counselling as they see the counsellor and their ex as ganging up against them (because, they are the victim. Natch).

definitely don’t cave, even if kids are pissed off and distressed you didn’t bail them out form late pick up. Don’t let kids blame you. Tell them , if they do push back, that they must to talk to their dad about it and express their upset to him , that you cannot be there to pick up on days he should be. Tell them he keeps falling asleep. Not as dog, just as straightforward this is happening
definitely tell school to phone whichever parent on duty BUT remember schools are not paid to panic that they can’t track down parents.

its only through a combination of schools getting very pissed off with him, and your children “shaming” him and pushing back on him that’ll he change
he won’t do anything if he knows you’ll cave in first.

if he lived with you for 20odd years with no financial or emotional or practical obligations, of COURSE he thinks you are being unkind now. He has had it so nice for so long he probably doesn't even consider that perhaps this wasn't okay and that he was taking the piss. He thinks this is his RIGHT.

Sadly, it won't get better and he'll start using tactics like not collecting the kids as a way to get back at you. Right now it's a "mistake" but give it time - he'll say things like, "fine, if you are going to insist that I pay half of that bill, then I'm going to send you a bill for half of the petrol costs when I collect the children from school" and will GENUINELY believe that this is a killer argument.

Sorry OP. It sounds horrendous.

God, what an absolute wanker! I don't know you, but even I can't wait for the day you're finally rid of him lol! Imagine how great you'll feel not having to deal with his lazy arse? Also, who the actual eff gets to have a snooze every day conveniently at school pick up time??? Best wishes for your future xx

Are his parents local? Put him down as first contact and them as emergency contacts so when he sleeps through the school calling, he then has to explain himself to his parents.

Thank you! XX

Yes his mum is local, so excellent idea, thank you. She won't stand for it, she has already stopped him from taking the kids round to hers (when it's his turn to look after them at the weekend) because he lies on her bed on his phone, letting the kids make a mess and leaving her to look after them. And leaving her to tidy up. She's SEVENTY EIGHT! And he still hasn't told her we've split up.

So sorry you have one of these deadweights. Don't let him drag you down. I gave in to the weaponised incompetence, not knowing what else to do, there being no-one else to look after the kids. But it sounds like you have a better grasp of what's going on. Wish there'd been this kind of forum in my day.

I feel really sad for your kids knowing their dad would rather abandon them at school in order to enjoy a nap for himself. I know it's work for you and letting him get away with it but it's not fair for your children to have to suffer to make a point. I'd just make sure you look after yourself and your kids and do absolutely nothing whatsoever for him anymore

Tell her that you've split up and he needs to move out ASAP. What a deadweight!!

why on earth haven't you told her? Unless you have zero contact with her, don't let him pull you into his shit!

I'm with a PP - I don't even know you but I'm already invested in you losing this waster from your life!