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Original poster

Manchild sleeping through pick ups

211 replies

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 11:44

My ex who (still lives me) with was fast asleep yesterday when he should have been picking up the kids. This is the 4th time this has happened in the last month. On one occasion the school rang me because our 4yo and 8yo were in reception waiting to be picked up. He was asleep then too. After the first time it happened he promised to set an alarm. Second time he was asleep and forgot to pick them up he blamed me - he sleeps so much and says he is depressed because I ended our relationship. I ended it because he is a manchild who contributes zero financially and doesn't pull his weight with childcare or housework either. He works from home and often ends up napping at about 3pm. He says he can't help it.

We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months. But I'm not sure what to do about him sleeping through pick ups. I don't want to take over. His share of the picks up is his responsibility. Nor do I want to add 'wake up dad' to my list of jobs! If he is late to pick them up for after school club, we get charged another hour, which I ask him to pay. But beyond that, any ideas?

OP posts:
JockSmashnova · 27/06/2023 17:56

What @INeedAnotherName said…

and also, start charging rent, as of today, at market rates, deducted from that lump sum.

might focus his mind a bit.

happyandhopefull · 27/06/2023 17:57

Start court proceedings and get everything agreed asap. He's only going to mess you around. Think of the life you can have when he's gone.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 18:04

JockSmashnova · 27/06/2023 17:56

What @INeedAnotherName said…

and also, start charging rent, as of today, at market rates, deducted from that lump sum.

might focus his mind a bit.

That's a good idea, thanks, I hadn't thought of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 18:09

OhBling · 27/06/2023 17:27

Oh OP, the more you write, the more clear it is that you are dealing with a manipulative man who has done a great job of making everything your problem while he gets to sit around, doing nothing.

time to go talk to a solicitor. I have no idea of the legal issues around him refusing to leave the house but as the majority owner, I'm struggling to see how he thinks he can just stay, especially as you're wiling and able to buy him out right now.

PS How on earth the DC are better off with him in the house when he's fucking sleeping all the time!?

I will talk to a solicitor, thanks. And he really does sleep through a lot of his responsibilities, not just the pick ups. At the weekend he was supposed to be looking after the kids one morning, giving them breakfast etc. I went downstairs, no one was looking after them, they hadn't had their breakfast. He was asleep and I had to wake him up. So yes, he does try to make everything my problem. He needs to grow up and will only ever do that once he's out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 18:12

AuntieJoyce · 27/06/2023 17:56

As above, I would spend the money on a solicitor not the bloody counsellor.

if he is entitled to 10% there must be an agreement or trust document somewhere. What are the provisions of the agreement in the event you split up as it should cover this scenario. I can guarantee it won’t say have counselling for six months first

And I would be definitely telling his mother that he hasn’t picked the kids up four times this month because you’ve asked him to move out

Yes, there is a document, a deed of variation. It stipulates our respective shares in the house after our initial investments of savings (99% my savings), but not what should happen if we split up.

Hmm, thanks, maybe I will tell her.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 27/06/2023 18:13

Knock the counselling on the head, an "amicable" divorce is only available in cloud cuckoo land!
Use the counselling money to get a divorce.

Tell him to get out of your house, give him two week's notice. Tell his mother what is happening. (He could go to live with his mother)

Get your house valued, pay him for the percentage he owns, through a mortgage if necessary.

He is being a manipulative bastard re the school pickups, which gives you a good idea just how he is seeing an amicable divorce will work, and he is exploiting that to his own advantage.
Take some action, take control.

blahblahx · 27/06/2023 18:22

Wow this thread really hits home with my partner.

He can sleep for England!

nomdegrrr1 · 27/06/2023 18:23

NewUserName2023 · 27/06/2023 12:58

Surely he can set an alarm on his phone to wake him in time to do the pick ups?

I used to have an alarm on my phone to let me know it was time to leave for school pick ups - not because I was likely to be asleep but to make sure that I couldn't forget about picking up my son.

I actually never needed it, whether I was ironing, cleaning, on the computer or whatever, because I cared. It's not about the alarm. It's about the care and concern that goes with setting the damn thing.

Clymene · 27/06/2023 18:23

Nothing about his behaviour is amicable. It's passive aggressive but it's still aggressive

perfectcolourfound · 27/06/2023 18:23

Can you work out what he has got away without paying for xx years, based on a reasonable proportion of his income (or what he would have earned if he'd tried) and let him know how much he owes. Tell him that unless he moves out within (say) 2 weeks you will be instructing a solicitor and deducting it from his % of the house.

You're willing to overlook it if he moves out now, but every week he stays, you will feel less kind.

No idea if you can do this, but as you say he's petrified of it becoming legal, and he's very lazy and unlikely to be arsed to check, it might just galvanise him in to moving out.

queenMab99 · 27/06/2023 18:24

The fact that he can ignore his responsibilities and sleep through phone calls would make me wonder about drug or drink problems. The only people I know who were able to do this were taking unprescribed valium and drinking, which raises further worries about safeguarding the children.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 18:29

perfectcolourfound · 27/06/2023 18:23

Can you work out what he has got away without paying for xx years, based on a reasonable proportion of his income (or what he would have earned if he'd tried) and let him know how much he owes. Tell him that unless he moves out within (say) 2 weeks you will be instructing a solicitor and deducting it from his % of the house.

You're willing to overlook it if he moves out now, but every week he stays, you will feel less kind.

No idea if you can do this, but as you say he's petrified of it becoming legal, and he's very lazy and unlikely to be arsed to check, it might just galvanise him in to moving out.

Wow, I like your thinking. He owes me a hell of a lot on that basis. When I asked for money in the past he said he couldn't afford it and for some inane reason I thought poor OH, I'm lucky to be earning a good salary so I'll just pay for everything. What an idiot I have been. I keep records and I'm well organised. He is a messy hoader and no idea where anything is. So I could work out what he owes me quite easily. Plus I have often created spreadsheets of what I do to contribute to the kids and house and what he does to try and get him to do more. That never worked obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 18:30

queenMab99 · 27/06/2023 18:24

The fact that he can ignore his responsibilities and sleep through phone calls would make me wonder about drug or drink problems. The only people I know who were able to do this were taking unprescribed valium and drinking, which raises further worries about safeguarding the children.

I know he has started to vape and is on anti-depressants to cope with everything. That could be making him tired.

OP posts:
Giselletheunicorn · 27/06/2023 18:32

Keep a record of every failure, useful if he tries to claim 50/50.

Absolutely this. Put dates and times. Absolutely play hardball with the bastard.

AuntieJune · 27/06/2023 18:36

I mean, sure he's not stepping up and you'd be better apart, but is he actually horribly depressed?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/06/2023 18:39

AuntieJune · 27/06/2023 18:36

I mean, sure he's not stepping up and you'd be better apart, but is he actually horribly depressed?

Who gives a shit? He needs to get the fuck out. He’s not the OP’s problem. He’s a useless sack of shit.

saraclara · 27/06/2023 18:41

I'm still failing to see why you're giving him six months, or why the counsellor is suggesting it. I can't see how it's benefiting the children at all. It's just putting off the inevitable, and in the meantime they're made anxious and humiliated when he doesn't pick them up and they're left alone at school with the office making phone calls. Poor kids.

AuntieJune · 27/06/2023 18:42

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 27/06/2023 18:39

Who gives a shit? He needs to get the fuck out. He’s not the OP’s problem. He’s a useless sack of shit.

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But if he's depressed, that's an illness he can't help. Not sure why there needs to be that much vitriol.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/06/2023 18:46

@Turtleyturtles I read all of your replies and I'm now shouting at my poor innocent computer like a mad woman. He's a total waste of space as a DF, he happily naps while his DC stand around at school fretting about why no one's picking them up, even his own DM can see he's a lazy waster. Bugger the 10%, pay him off if you can and get him out. He will never change, he will never step up and be a decent DP or DF, just get him out of the house and let him be someone else's problem!

RedToothBrush · 27/06/2023 18:47

Clymene · 27/06/2023 18:23

Nothing about his behaviour is amicable. It's passive aggressive but it's still aggressive

It's borderline abusive tbh.

He's trying to control the OP.

I guarantee he was get worse when he moves out. It will become about custody arrangements.

titchy · 27/06/2023 18:48

But if he's depressed, that's an illness he can't help. Not sure why there needs to be that much vitriol.

Because the children are the ones that are suffering and he isn't taking any responsibility for that.

Tell his mother, tell him he needs to move out, tell him you'll give him the 10%. Him staying is to the detriment of the children - they must be so confused right now. Are their parents separated or not - if someone asked them they wouldn't know. How unsettling must that be?

Sausageeggschipsandbeans · 27/06/2023 18:53

00100001 · 27/06/2023 12:56

Why the fuck should she do anything like that?

He's not 4...

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He doesn’t sound like he is open to reason. What’s the alternative? Leave the kids at school? The school calls him but gets no response so who do they call?

It isn’t about managing him but managing the impact on the OP. Realistically, is he going to suddenly change?

Just because someone is right, it doesn’t mean it will be right.

whynotwhatknot · 27/06/2023 18:54

I dont unerstand the need for a mediator

you can buy him out just offer him his ten percent and sell it-if you say ok then i'll take it to court if he refuses then go ahead

mediators do it for money you dont need to go to counselling with an ex maybe just on your own

perfectcolourfound · 27/06/2023 18:56

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 18:29

Wow, I like your thinking. He owes me a hell of a lot on that basis. When I asked for money in the past he said he couldn't afford it and for some inane reason I thought poor OH, I'm lucky to be earning a good salary so I'll just pay for everything. What an idiot I have been. I keep records and I'm well organised. He is a messy hoader and no idea where anything is. So I could work out what he owes me quite easily. Plus I have often created spreadsheets of what I do to contribute to the kids and house and what he does to try and get him to do more. That never worked obviously.

Show quote history

All the more reason to do it! It's the logical thing to do and hard to argue against - ie he's been arguing he can't afford to contribute to the home / your child, but once he has his cash freed up then he will have some money, and surely the first thing he'll want to do is settle his debts!

He'll know that you're organised and have all the info you need.

You then have the power to say 'so if you go by (x) date I won't make anything of it. Every day beyond that, your share of the house money reduces'

haveitallnow · 27/06/2023 19:22

You seem a but confused. You're not married. You don't need to work out your split of assets, you don't need and counsellor and you don't need a mediator.

No idea at all why you're having counselling and putting yourself and your kids through extended misery.

Get a solicitor, pay them instead, and get on with your life. Protect your kids from this nonsense.

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