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Original poster

Manchild sleeping through pick ups

211 replies

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 11:44

My ex who (still lives me) with was fast asleep yesterday when he should have been picking up the kids. This is the 4th time this has happened in the last month. On one occasion the school rang me because our 4yo and 8yo were in reception waiting to be picked up. He was asleep then too. After the first time it happened he promised to set an alarm. Second time he was asleep and forgot to pick them up he blamed me - he sleeps so much and says he is depressed because I ended our relationship. I ended it because he is a manchild who contributes zero financially and doesn't pull his weight with childcare or housework either. He works from home and often ends up napping at about 3pm. He says he can't help it.

We are having couples counselling to help us split amicably and he is moving out within 6 months. But I'm not sure what to do about him sleeping through pick ups. I don't want to take over. His share of the picks up is his responsibility. Nor do I want to add 'wake up dad' to my list of jobs! If he is late to pick them up for after school club, we get charged another hour, which I ask him to pay. But beyond that, any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 19:28

haveitallnow · 27/06/2023 19:22

You seem a but confused. You're not married. You don't need to work out your split of assets, you don't need and counsellor and you don't need a mediator.

No idea at all why you're having counselling and putting yourself and your kids through extended misery.

Get a solicitor, pay them instead, and get on with your life. Protect your kids from this nonsense.

This is what it says on the Citizens Advice website. He is on the title deeds because he owns a share of our home.

"If you own your home

You have the right to stay in the home if you're married, in a civil partnership or on the 'title deeds' - the document that proves who owns your home.

If you're both named on the title deeds

If you're both on the title deeds, it means you both own your home. You'll both need to decide what happens to your home.

You might both own the whole property together - known as 'joint tenancy'. You might own the property in joint names but you each own a specific share of its value - known as ‘tenancy in common’. If you’re tenants in common your shares might be equal - for example, half each - or unequal. You can find out what kind of joint ownership you have on GOV.UK.

If you can't agree what happens to your home. You can go to mediation to help you reach an agreement. You can find out more about mediation.

If you’re not married or in a civil partnership, you can ask the court to decide what happens to your home. The court will usually divide your home’s value between you according to the shares you own. If you have children, you might be able to ask the court to delay selling your home until your youngest child is 18. You’ll need legal help to do this - you can find a solicitor on the Resolution website."

So we both need to decide what happens to our home. If we can't, it's mediation then solicitors and asking the court to decide what happens to our home. This is my understanding. I might well be confused though and would prefer something much quicker.

Joint property ownership

Check if you're a joint tenant or tenants in common. Change from joint tenants to tenants in common, or tenants in common to joint tenants

https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2023 19:28

Better still get CMS onto him pronto!

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 19:31

RandomMess · 27/06/2023 19:28

Better still get CMS onto him pronto!

What's that?

OP posts:
Name99 · 27/06/2023 19:55

Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 19:31

What's that?

Show quote history

Child maintenance services.

OP, the mediation isn't working, you're wasting your money because your dealing with a fool.
Use this money to instruct a solicitor, do you really think he's going to stick to anything he agrees to in mediation, he hasn't told his family the relationship is over, he can't be arsed picking his kids up.
I think even when he does leave you are going to have no end of problems with him. Use the money you're spending on counselling for his benefit and mediation on legal advice.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 19:57

saraclara · 27/06/2023 18:41

I'm still failing to see why you're giving him six months, or why the counsellor is suggesting it. I can't see how it's benefiting the children at all. It's just putting off the inevitable, and in the meantime they're made anxious and humiliated when he doesn't pick them up and they're left alone at school with the office making phone calls. Poor kids.

It's 6 months to work through what happens to our home and kids and for him to become financially independent. I think the counsellor says it is safe and healthy for me and the kids because if I push him too fast he will play the victim and I'll be portrayed as the bad one. It's actually 4 months now. Unfortunately he can't move in with his mother because she only has one bedroom.

OP posts:
REignbow · 27/06/2023 20:14

I agree with PP. You don’t need counselling but you need to see a solicitor.

They can advise you on the law in regards to the ownership of your home.

You have said that it’s now 4 months into the 6 you have asked him to leave. You do realise don’t you, that he probably has no intention of going? He’l stretch it out as long as possible.

REignbow · 27/06/2023 20:16

And he could move into his mothers house. He could easily sleep on her couch.

Stop making his life to easy! Claim CMS.

titchy · 27/06/2023 20:22

So we both need to decide what happens to our home. If we can't, it's mediation then solicitors and asking the court to decide what happens to our home. This is my understanding. I might well be confused though and would prefer something much quicker.

You're not doing mediation though, you're doing counselling. Confused

If he doesn't agree to take his 10% in cash, you go to a court approved mediator. If he still doesn't agree you simply apply to court. Given you look after the children most of the time and own 90% of your home and can prove that and have the funds to give him his 10% it's a really straightforward process.

I don't know why you're faffing around with counselling, six months notice etc etc. Confused

titchy · 27/06/2023 20:23

And I'm sure his mother has a sofa. I assume having 10% of the house in cash would also be enough to give him a rental deposit.

titchy · 27/06/2023 20:24

And so what if he paints himself as the victim? Why does it matter? Your poor kids must be so confused right now.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 20:24

REignbow · 27/06/2023 20:16

And he could move into his mothers house. He could easily sleep on her couch.

Stop making his life to easy! Claim CMS.

Ok! I will see a solicitor asap and a friend has said the same, he will eek it out as long as possible. He rarely keep committments. I'm so pleased I started this thread, the advice has been incredible. Actually life changing.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 27/06/2023 20:25

Out of curiosity OP, have you ever just totally lost your shit with him and called him a waste of space pathetic manchild? Maybe its the wake up call he needs. It sounds like right now he’s just used to everyone tiptoeing around his incompetence

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 20:29

titchy · 27/06/2023 20:22

So we both need to decide what happens to our home. If we can't, it's mediation then solicitors and asking the court to decide what happens to our home. This is my understanding. I might well be confused though and would prefer something much quicker.

You're not doing mediation though, you're doing counselling. Confused

If he doesn't agree to take his 10% in cash, you go to a court approved mediator. If he still doesn't agree you simply apply to court. Given you look after the children most of the time and own 90% of your home and can prove that and have the funds to give him his 10% it's a really straightforward process.

I don't know why you're faffing around with counselling, six months notice etc etc. Confused

You're right. I am trying to avoid mediation (not cheap) and court by having counselling (quite cheap) to agree together what happens to our home. I don't look after the children 90% of time though. They go to nursery/school during the week and we look after them broadly equally the rest of the time, although he's not very good at it, asks for my help a lot of the time. When he is supposed to be looking after them, the kids come to me to ask for stuff. Even when he is sitting right next to them.

Thanks for setting that process out, that's helpful. It does sound straight forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 20:33

ProudThrilledHappy · 27/06/2023 20:25

Out of curiosity OP, have you ever just totally lost your shit with him and called him a waste of space pathetic manchild? Maybe its the wake up call he needs. It sounds like right now he’s just used to everyone tiptoeing around his incompetence

Yes, I called him a manchild and a parasite when I was at the end of my tether in lockdown when I was working full time at home, he only worked two days a week. On his days off, he refused to look after the kids on his own because "looking after both at the same time is too hard" so I ended up working and doing childcare at the same time because he couldn't handle it. I wouldn't do that now. So stressful.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/06/2023 21:04

Id point out the longer he stays the less the house will be worth so it's fine with you if he stays the full 6 months. Might wake him up a bit.

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 21:07

Wallywobbles · 27/06/2023 21:04

Id point out the longer he stays the less the house will be worth so it's fine with you if he stays the full 6 months. Might wake him up a bit.

I hadn't thought of that. Good point, thanks.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/06/2023 21:10

My ex only moved out because the date was in the divorce agreement. Fucking parasite.

VforVienetta · 27/06/2023 21:19

Has he theoretically agreed to taking 10% and being taken off the deeds?
If so, no reason to delay the paperwork, you could get on with that immediately. Once that's finalised and he's received the money, he could be told to leave at any point with no recourse.
If you're going to continue with the original six month stay, he'd be due to leave in October. This will then end up "Oh but I can't leave before Xmas" and he'll still be there in the new year. Then it'll be "there's no rental properties available in the new year" so he'll be with you all spring. Etc etc.
If he really intends to leave in October, he ought to be starting to look at housing options now. The rental market is awful in places, it could take months to find somewhere in budget.
The children clearly aren't better off with him at home, he's barely looking after them when they're at home, and failing to collect them four times in a month due to a "nap" is insane!
I really hope you're finding this thread motivating, it sounds like he's done a number on you trying to keep his cushy life. Good luck!

Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 21:31

I’m another one who has no idea why you’re paying for therapy to help him come to terms with the split. That’s his problem.
put the money to court fees to evict him.
he’s already not being good to you or the children with you bending over backwards to accommodate him. You may as well get the process started to get him out.

there’s no world where he’s planning to move out in 6 months. He’s just saying what you want to hear. There will be a reason when it comes to it why he needs another month or two.
he’s not putting any work into the therapy into finding a new place, into work, into his children.
I know lots of vulnerable narcissists, I promise you this will be another thing you need to save him from in 6 months.

also tell his mother. If you don’t he will eventually be forced to and you know what story that’s going to be.

i do think you’re a bit confused about your rights here, get a solicitor asap.

Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 21:45

we look after them broadly equally the rest of the time

but you also say
he asks for my help a lot of the time. When he is supposed to be looking after them, the kids come to me to ask for stuff. Even when he is sitting right next to them.

he really does sleep through a lot of his responsibilities, not just the pick ups. At the weekend he was supposed to be looking after the kids one morning, giving them breakfast etc. I went downstairs, no one was looking after them, they hadn't had their breakfast. He was asleep and I had to wake him up.

On his days off, he refused to look after the kids on his own because "looking after both at the same time is too hard" so I ended up working and doing childcare at the same time

he also failed to pick them up or hear the school calling four times this month

he took them to his mums so she could look after them whilst he left them alone, so often that she’s banned it.

you describe him as messy and I presume he isn’t shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. And up until last month was only paying a nominal amount for his children and home

I’m not really sure you do look after the children equally op

bumblebee2235 · 27/06/2023 21:52

Bloody hell id barge in and wake him up with a super soaker!

Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 21:58

Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 21:31

I’m another one who has no idea why you’re paying for therapy to help him come to terms with the split. That’s his problem.
put the money to court fees to evict him.
he’s already not being good to you or the children with you bending over backwards to accommodate him. You may as well get the process started to get him out.

there’s no world where he’s planning to move out in 6 months. He’s just saying what you want to hear. There will be a reason when it comes to it why he needs another month or two.
he’s not putting any work into the therapy into finding a new place, into work, into his children.
I know lots of vulnerable narcissists, I promise you this will be another thing you need to save him from in 6 months.

also tell his mother. If you don’t he will eventually be forced to and you know what story that’s going to be.

i do think you’re a bit confused about your rights here, get a solicitor asap.

Thanks, I think you are right, he will find a reason why he needs longer. He will never move out unless forced by someone who isn't me. I will arrange to see a solicitor asap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleyturtles · 27/06/2023 22:05

Landndialamrhf · 27/06/2023 21:45

we look after them broadly equally the rest of the time

but you also say
he asks for my help a lot of the time. When he is supposed to be looking after them, the kids come to me to ask for stuff. Even when he is sitting right next to them.

he really does sleep through a lot of his responsibilities, not just the pick ups. At the weekend he was supposed to be looking after the kids one morning, giving them breakfast etc. I went downstairs, no one was looking after them, they hadn't had their breakfast. He was asleep and I had to wake him up.

On his days off, he refused to look after the kids on his own because "looking after both at the same time is too hard" so I ended up working and doing childcare at the same time

he also failed to pick them up or hear the school calling four times this month

he took them to his mums so she could look after them whilst he left them alone, so often that she’s banned it.

you describe him as messy and I presume he isn’t shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. And up until last month was only paying a nominal amount for his children and home

I’m not really sure you do look after the children equally op

I'm not sure either. He claims to, but really I do more. He's not entirely useless though. He drives and I don't. And for the last 4 years he has done all the laundry after my mum had a proper go at him for being useless. She scared the living daylights out of him. He does it badly though, clothes often smell of damp because he can't be arsed to hang them on the line or he leaves them in the washing machine. He's better now, but only because I keep reminding him how to do it. Then when I ask him to hang them on the line, or stretch them so they don't need ironing, he says I am controlling! I just don't want me or the kids smelling weird or the kids being teased at school because their clothes are all wrinkly (this has happened before).

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/06/2023 22:15

SheilaFentiman · 27/06/2023 15:35

On iphone at least, it is possible to set an alarm in advance, by day - so he could just set it for 5pm every Wed and Fri or whatever and if he's not asleep and it goes off, no biggy

Show quote history

That is possible on all but the most simple of mobiles and has been for a long time. I have a friend who struggles with time and she's had an alarm on her phone for school pick up for years.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/06/2023 22:32

If he agrees to a payout before going to court make sure you get something binding drawn up by a solicitor to say that's full and final payment and that he agrees in return for this amount to sign his share over to you and then he signs the land registry transfer document at the same time as you give him the cheque.