Having an affair with my boss

[BellZa]

Hi!
usual story.
I've been working here for a year now.
My boss is a great guy (I know I know.. .but EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY TELLS ME THE SAME!) and I honestly feel lucky to work with him. I work in an all male team, in a mostly male department. and he has always been super respectful and considered and he is extremely protective of me and my work. (don´t know how to feel about this to be honest...)
2 months ago after a few days working long hours together... he kissed me. and I kissed him back...
We didnt´t do anything else that night because I said "no no no this is a terrible idea".
I say that night because yes... we are now having a full on affair.
and yes... he tells me all the things... he doesn't have sex with his girlfriend (not married but owned a house together, been together for a long time...) sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.
A part of me, wants to believe him. The other is screaming at me for being such an idiot.
I now scared of people from work finding out, I'm scared of what's going to happen with my job if I break up with him, what if I Don't... my head is full of "What ifs"
He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...
of course, their house is not on the market, he is still living at home and... they are on holiday together right now. (they have the trip booked from before but...) he says that they barely speak... well you know.
I think I'm going crazy because I don't believe anything he says now (before, when he was just my boss I trusted him completely) but I do want to believe him and see if he is telling the truth?

So... I need you all to tell me that he is just lying and I should just leave him and look for another Job . right?
I can't talk about this with anybody because I feel so ashamed... It's such a cliche...
and yes I feel terrible for his girlfriend.
I've tried to break it off a couple of times but them I see him in the office and he looks at me with such sadness and... I just fall back into it...

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry for the long rant! I just needed to talk about it!

If you get fired, then you tell his girlfriend.

If he tries to blackmail you to continue seeing him, then you tell his girlfriend.

Don't do it again, be professional at work.

Try to look for another job.

And if you find another job, then tell his girlfriend, she deserves to know.

It’s also illegal to discriminate against pregnant woman. It’s still happens all the time. And it’s not always provable. And pursuing action can still damage womens careers.

While you may advise the Op to see out, many people understand that this isn’t always the best option for women long term and to leave is better for the Op long term. Rather than risk the alternative. Op doesn’t need to sacrifice her career and future to make a point.

Let’s say she speaks up and he gets sacked. Do you think the all male environment she works in will be comfortable for her?

Besides which, Op may not be comfortable or even have the energy to face working with him. This is her life. Not a social experiment.

He’s probably frolicking in the pool with his girlfriend trying to figure out his next move, more concerned about his position if you decide to out him, he’s got more to loose than you so you pretty much have him by the balls. Ball is on your court OP, not his. It’s going to get akward from now on interacting with your boss as you hurted his ego, but if you’re lucky and he’s a smart guy he’ll understand it and keep it “civilised” mostly for the sake of his position and marriage.

OP has to do whatever she feels comfortable with, but I hate the overwhelming advice on this thread to leave her job. Maybe that's what she wants, fair enough. But in general surely MN is the ideal place to actually challenge the old double standard about workplace affairs that sees the (single) woman vilified and the (married) man tutted about?

It's sexist, it's unfair, and it costs women their jobs. Instead of saying 'oh dear, well it's always the woman who gets the blame so you're very silly' can we not look at changing that wildly outdated position?

I've reported this post as personal abuse and misogyny

Good for you love, give yourself a pat on the back.

No sex you say ? Are you there in their bedroom every night?

I am not sure how I happened upon this website but I am in a somewhat similar situation tho I have not acted upon my feelings. Please do not let posters here make you feel bad about yourself. I am in an unhappy marriage where I have been cheated on with ladies of the night for many years. I recently became attracted to my boss who confides a lot in me. We are very much alike. Stuff happens. Get some counseling to figure stuff out. God bless and I wish you the best.

It’s two months since the OP updated!

Call his bluff.
Break it off until he is single and proves it by buying you a ring and gets down on one knee followed by a public declaration. Give him three months. No dates or private interactions.

He will fail and you will be better off without a husband who will cheat with the office staff.

Look for better prospects for yourself.

Sorry op I highly doubt him and his gf hardly speak and don't sleep in the same room when he is on holiday with her at the minute. If he really wants a relationship with you he would of left by now not just talk about leaving actions speak louder than words. He breached his position of authority as far as I'm concerned. In some ways I'm sorry your in the position as this will get very messy with HR etc and when all your work colleagues discover what's happened. Trust your gut, you know the truth here

The fact you are doing something wrong and someone else is doing something wrong does not make it right though. Having an affair with a man who you know very well is in a relation ship is just kinda shit and plenty to feel bad about yourself, even if you think you have good reasons. Why wont you leave your husband if you are this unhappy, and start a new life with someone who is not tied to another woman?

What happened OP?