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Original poster

Having an affair with my boss

213 replies

BellZa · 21/06/2023 19:24

Hi!
usual story.
I've been working here for a year now.
My boss is a great guy (I know I know.. .but EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY TELLS ME THE SAME!) and I honestly feel lucky to work with him. I work in an all male team, in a mostly male department. and he has always been super respectful and considered and he is extremely protective of me and my work. (don´t know how to feel about this to be honest...)
2 months ago after a few days working long hours together... he kissed me. and I kissed him back...
We didnt´t do anything else that night because I said "no no no this is a terrible idea".
I say that night because yes... we are now having a full on affair.
and yes... he tells me all the things... he doesn't have sex with his girlfriend (not married but owned a house together, been together for a long time...) sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.
A part of me, wants to believe him. The other is screaming at me for being such an idiot.
I now scared of people from work finding out, I'm scared of what's going to happen with my job if I break up with him, what if I Don't... my head is full of "What ifs"
He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...
of course, their house is not on the market, he is still living at home and... they are on holiday together right now. (they have the trip booked from before but...) he says that they barely speak... well you know.
I think I'm going crazy because I don't believe anything he says now (before, when he was just my boss I trusted him completely) but I do want to believe him and see if he is telling the truth?

So... I need you all to tell me that he is just lying and I should just leave him and look for another Job . right?
I can't talk about this with anybody because I feel so ashamed... It's such a cliche...
and yes I feel terrible for his girlfriend.
I've tried to break it off a couple of times but them I see him in the office and he looks at me with such sadness and... I just fall back into it...

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry for the long rant! I just needed to talk about it!

OP posts:
sittingonfenceonthisone · 22/06/2023 09:31

Ok so shoot me down for my reply. Years ago I was the "partner", DP was having an affair and yes all the cliche things were true, not getting on, spare room, having no sex, but still putting on a united front and no kids. Looking back it was a sham but still we hadn't parted. My guess was his "affair" gave him an ultimatum and that's what made him eventually leave me. Forward wind 20+ years and they are still together with kids (and I have moved on, married and kids too).
So, what I'm trying to say is yes on the surface I get what all the other MNs are saying, but, give him an ultimatum because if he really does want to be with you he will leave his girlfriend and make it happen for you.
P.s my ex's affair was also a woman from his work!

Anotheruser123 · 22/06/2023 09:40

Like @sittingonfenceonthisone i was the person who was the wife/partner in your scenario.

They are still together, he left me for her - they are still happily together 7 years on and I’ve now remarried.

It was true - our relationship had been failing for a long time and it took someone else coming along for him to realise that before I did. These things happen.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/06/2023 09:44

Everyone in the office probably already knows if you're mooning at each other and he's 'protective of your work' and 'looks so sad'.

They're probably used to it. Plus, being the only woman in a male team you've also just proven to some of them that women are silly little dolly's driven by pretty words and kisses.

Marblessolveeverything · 22/06/2023 09:53

In my early days as a PA I worked for someone who was like your boss. Most of duties involved scheduling his current mistress, ex mistresses and his wife and children.

Ask yourself - do you sincerely believe he could not have left the relationship before he started another with you - really? no children? on holiday together - I doubt they are in sperate rooms. ...

You are incredibly naïve and what is worse when this comes out you will be demonised and possibly lose your job, credibility, some of your friends etc - he will simply be seen as a player..........

Imnoonesfool · 22/06/2023 09:58

This is what I can’t fathom about OW
they wholeheartedly believe that the man is telling them the truth whilst happily standing by and watching lie and gas light the person they are betraying.

I have no doubt that when this ends you will have a burning need to then tell the partner, that has been lied to, the truth ‘because she has a right to know what a A-hole her partner is’ whilst all the while you were in the relationship you were complicit to that.

People who cheat lie, they lie to everyone- family, friends, children, colleagues, their partner, their affair partner…..it’s what cheats do to be able to cheat therefore there is absolutely no chance that he is lying to everyone else but saving all the honesty and truth for you!

Imnoonesfool · 22/06/2023 10:06

if he wants to be with you he can leave, it’s not easy but it’s definitely easier than cheating.

I was with a long term partner and we had drifted for a long time. I had my head turned by someone at work who lavished me in compliments, chased me etc etc. I did ‘nothing’ other than constantly remind him I had a bf. Eventually I realised I needed to end my relationship because I was becoming very hung up on this other chap. So I did I ended things with my partner. It was sad and I hated doing it but it was the right thing to do. I then started seeing this guy from work who then swiftly lost interest …. I can only assume he enjoyed the chase, he was obviously trying to see if he could get me and when be did bluhhhh

Sandra1984 · 22/06/2023 10:06

treat this as a non serious relationship, a non strings casual relationship (he’s treating you like one so you should reciprocate) and continue searching for greener pastures. Don’t get too entangled in his web. Be cynical and enjoy it while it lasts. Use him to gain information, contacts and to climb the professional ladder, then get rid of him.

Sensibletrousers · 22/06/2023 10:08

Take control (and some dignity).

End it.

Get a new job.

Then screen shot his messages to you, especially the most damning ones and those whilst he’s sat next to her on holiday. Print them out and post them to her marked as confidential. She deserves to know she’s with a cheating lying scumbag and he deserves to be found out.

PimpMyFridge · 22/06/2023 10:18

BellZa · 22/06/2023 09:31

Yes. The holiday together was what really made me think that it was all lies. Until then, I had my doubts... but the holiday? I couldn't find an explanation for that...
He is texting me every day. There's no mention of her. One would think he is alone...

I think he knows this is the point where you are most likely to wake up and wiggle off the hook, so he's keeping up reminders 'you are in his thoughts' to keep things sweet for his return.

Deathbyfluffy · 22/06/2023 10:20

'sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.'

No, they don't - only cheats do, which isn't all men.
Raise your standards.

Original poster
BellZa · 22/06/2023 10:34

Deathbyfluffy · 22/06/2023 10:20

'sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.'

No, they don't - only cheats do, which isn't all men.
Raise your standards.

Yes sorry. I meant all men in this situation. I know all men aren't like this.

OP posts:
ItsOnlyMeNow · 22/06/2023 10:39

You won't be the first.

Original poster
BellZa · 22/06/2023 10:39

Sensibletrousers · 22/06/2023 10:08

Take control (and some dignity).

End it.

Get a new job.

Then screen shot his messages to you, especially the most damning ones and those whilst he’s sat next to her on holiday. Print them out and post them to her marked as confidential. She deserves to know she’s with a cheating lying scumbag and he deserves to be found out.

Should I tell her? I haven't thought much about it since he was telling me that the relationship was over and they just needed to solve the financial issues....
He told me just before going away that he had told her that he had kissed someone else.
That also made me suspicious as they went on holiday together immediately after...
So now I'm thinking that yes... she knows nothing about how their relationship is over and they are enjoying a really nice holiday together..

OP posts:
Niceseasidetown · 22/06/2023 10:42

He was pretending for a year. It's hard for you because you thought you knew and respected and liked this person.

Cognitive dissonance is hard. Accepting that our knowledge of a person needs rewriting as you get more facts.

Someone who cares about you wouldn't lie, treat you for a fool, put your career at risk etc

Be very careful. When they see you backing out they panic...their control has gone.

Keep evidence. You might need it for HR. Prepare now for him to try and discredit you in advance of anything you may later reveal.

He is about to show you the real you and it won't be pleasant.

OhComeOnFFS · 22/06/2023 10:42

BlinkeredBay · 21/06/2023 19:26

You’re a fool and soon to be an unemployed fool,

Exactly this.

You must be CRAZY!

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/06/2023 10:52

@BellZa yeah I agree, he wouldn’t be going on holiday with her if his relationship was winding down/ pretty much over. Years back, me and an ex had an expensive holiday booked, we split up in the meantime but still lived together whilst we sorted finances, however we cancelled the holiday and lost money on it. It was never an option for either of us to still go on it together, even though we were still amicable. And no, I don’t think you should tell her. Sorry but If you’re honest with yourself it wouldn’t be coming from a good place. You weren’t concerned about her when you were sleeping with him behind her back. Just end things and step back completely. He may leave her then but he will never leave whilst he’s getting the best of both. However, would you really want to be in a relationship with a man capable of lying and deceiving on this scale?

Youngatheart00 · 22/06/2023 10:53

@Niceseasidetown thats such a good post. The point about our view of someone changing as we learn more about them, their behaviour and the facts. So important.

OP - I wouldn’t tell his wife, just focus on you, work remotely and finding a new role as soon as possible.

peachicecream · 22/06/2023 10:57

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry but yes, you are. 'Nice men' don't get into these 'difficult situations' - a nice/ well adjusted person would get out of their difficult relationship before getting into a new one. There is never a good reason to do anything else. Only selfishness and cowardice.

Boymama22 · 22/06/2023 11:02

Op, get affairs in order and tell the girlfriend, she deserves to know.

Niceseasidetown · 22/06/2023 11:15

Boymama22 · 22/06/2023 11:02

Op, get affairs in order and tell the girlfriend, she deserves to know.

Really bad advice. He is her boss. Her first duty is to get herself safely put of this situation.

IKnowItsNotMine · 22/06/2023 11:17

Just end it, no drama.

Stay professional, no one has to know anything.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Robinni · 22/06/2023 11:32

I sat in a bar last summer watching a man message a woman.

He was sitting right beside me and I was intrigued as they were using pet names!! And the pet names were funny… Grizzle/Grizzly something like that for him and he was just this enormous blokes bloke!

Anyway it was all, I can’t bear to be without you, when I’m with you I’m so happy etc etc.

Then his two kids came in to asked him to join them and Mummy outside.

Men can be bastards. Although women entertaining them have culpability too.

Get a new job and move on.

Original poster
BellZa · 22/06/2023 11:32

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/06/2023 10:52

@BellZa yeah I agree, he wouldn’t be going on holiday with her if his relationship was winding down/ pretty much over. Years back, me and an ex had an expensive holiday booked, we split up in the meantime but still lived together whilst we sorted finances, however we cancelled the holiday and lost money on it. It was never an option for either of us to still go on it together, even though we were still amicable. And no, I don’t think you should tell her. Sorry but If you’re honest with yourself it wouldn’t be coming from a good place. You weren’t concerned about her when you were sleeping with him behind her back. Just end things and step back completely. He may leave her then but he will never leave whilst he’s getting the best of both. However, would you really want to be in a relationship with a man capable of lying and deceiving on this scale?

Thanks for sharing that.
Thank you all who are sharing their experiences from different perspectives.

I've told him many times that I have problems trusting him now. Because of what we were doing. He said he understood, and we' d work on that. So no. I don't trust him to have a relationship with him. The more I think about it, the less I trust him and the worse I feel about myself for what I've done.

I think I will tell him that is over, that I can't keep doing this but I would like to keep our professional relationship, to try to minimise the problems at work.and I'll be looking for a new job starting today.

I don't know what to do about the girlfriend. I know she deserves to know, but I don't know how to approach her or if I should.
My plan was to just leave all behind, but seeing the comments here, I don't know now.

OP posts:
Original poster
BellZa · 22/06/2023 11:33

peucepetunias · 22/06/2023 11:15

Thanks!

OP posts:
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