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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having an affair with my boss

213 replies

BellZa · 21/06/2023 19:24

Hi!
usual story.
I've been working here for a year now.
My boss is a great guy (I know I know.. .but EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY TELLS ME THE SAME!) and I honestly feel lucky to work with him. I work in an all male team, in a mostly male department. and he has always been super respectful and considered and he is extremely protective of me and my work. (don´t know how to feel about this to be honest...)
2 months ago after a few days working long hours together... he kissed me. and I kissed him back...
We didnt´t do anything else that night because I said "no no no this is a terrible idea".
I say that night because yes... we are now having a full on affair.
and yes... he tells me all the things... he doesn't have sex with his girlfriend (not married but owned a house together, been together for a long time...) sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.
A part of me, wants to believe him. The other is screaming at me for being such an idiot.
I now scared of people from work finding out, I'm scared of what's going to happen with my job if I break up with him, what if I Don't... my head is full of "What ifs"
He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...
of course, their house is not on the market, he is still living at home and... they are on holiday together right now. (they have the trip booked from before but...) he says that they barely speak... well you know.
I think I'm going crazy because I don't believe anything he says now (before, when he was just my boss I trusted him completely) but I do want to believe him and see if he is telling the truth?

So... I need you all to tell me that he is just lying and I should just leave him and look for another Job . right?
I can't talk about this with anybody because I feel so ashamed... It's such a cliche...
and yes I feel terrible for his girlfriend.
I've tried to break it off a couple of times but them I see him in the office and he looks at me with such sadness and... I just fall back into it...

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry for the long rant! I just needed to talk about it!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/06/2023 20:33

You’ll end up unemployed and heartbroken- he’ll end up marrying her and getting promoted

WaitingfortheTardis · 21/06/2023 20:37

If he didn't want to be with his girlfriend he could have broken up with her first. He didn't. He still hasn't.

Namechanger1002 · 21/06/2023 20:40

I think you are a fool but then again a good friend of mine had an affair with her boss and 30 years later they are both still very happy together so 🤷🏽‍♀️

RiaOverTheRainbow · 21/06/2023 20:41

You've been together 2 months and he says he loves you. Best case he's a fantasist, more likely he's a cold-blooded liar.

If for no other reason, step away so you can meet someone who'll genuinely care about you.

TicTac80 · 21/06/2023 20:41

This sounds like a right mess OP! He's feeding you a load of crap and is playing you for a fool, just to keep you dangling. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

If I was in your position, I'd end things, job hunt (or try and transfer departments (so you won't have to see him again). I really hope no one at your work knows about this as it could get you in trouble.

Also, don't ever shit on your own door step. Life is complicated enough!!

Shapemyeyebrows · 21/06/2023 20:42

@BellZa yes you are being a fool. I’m sorry but if he has no kids then he could easily leave his girlfriend if what he is saying was true. It doesn’t matter when this holiday was booked, if what he is saying is true he wouldn’t have gone. What’s stopping him from leaving his GF if he loves you and not her? Nothing. Other than the fact he doesn’t love you, he loves her. You are just his bit on the side. That’s why he’s knowingly hurting you and not her. This is a tale as old as time and whilst I know it’s very easy to be clouded when in such a situation you need to wake up ASAP as this isn’t just your heart at stake, it’s your job and work reputation. Mud sticks.

JamSandle · 21/06/2023 20:42

I think you should look for a new role. If anything is meant to be it will be when you he work elsewhere and he has ended things with his partner. Contrary to some of the mean comments, don't beat yourself up about this!

ProfessorXtra · 21/06/2023 20:44

He will leave and go anywhere with you? So why is he still with his girlfriend? 😂😂

I hope this isn’t a real. Because you are letting him make a idiot out of you.

you worry people at work know? On balance, they probably already do. It’s already embarrassing.

Unfortunately for you work place affairs always damage the woman and her career more than the men.

ShandaLear · 21/06/2023 20:47

Guaranteed he’s getting his leg over almost every night on holiday. Say he does run off with you and you buy a house together and go on holiday together. All that means is that he’s created a vacancy for a new mistress. Because that’s what he does.

RedSharpie · 21/06/2023 20:47

Hmm @BellZa. Sounds like someone I know. Not a lawyer is he?

Srin · 21/06/2023 20:48

If he is willing to lie to his girlfriend who he lives with and has loved for years, he will have absolutely no issue with lying to the women he fancies on the side.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 20:48

Your colleagues already know you're fucking, and you are just one of a long list he's cheated with. You're not special.

It's time to grow up, op. This isn't some fairytale where you've found the man of your dreams. You found a liar and a cheater. Find another job and don't make this mistake again.

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 20:49

You are one of many op.

Trust me.

Dump and run >>>>>

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 20:58

Maaaaaaaate. You know he’s full of shit. You know you’re a mug. You know you’re a way of him perking up his day.

Come on. He’s such a cliché. 😂

greencheetah · 21/06/2023 21:02

Oh dear.

What everyone else said.

Plus, I can absolutely guarantee that EVERYONE AT WORK KNOWS.

Yes. Yes they do. They all know.

ItsCalledAConversation · 21/06/2023 21:02

My best mate has just married her boss. They both had to get divorced to be together. He has teenage children. They were both in public roles (think social work) where their relationship wasn’t exactly forbidden but did make things quite tricky for a couple of years. They’re amazing together. Sometimes you just meet the right person.

OR

You're being naive, he’s going to fuck you and dump you, you’ll be utterly ashamed, career will be affected and you’ll regret it for years.

Only you know which path you’re on.

HulaChick · 21/06/2023 21:08

Oh dear, but if people are going to have affairs, why not just ve upfront with each other & admit it most likely is not going to be forever, no-one's going to leave their partners, no-one's really in love with the other, and no-one need leave their job because of it. Either ve grown up enough to just have the sea & get it out of your system & move on or, better, try & understand what's wrong with your own relationship that has led you into this & then either work on improving it or ending it.

HulaChick · 21/06/2023 21:08

Sex not sea!!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 21/06/2023 21:09

99% he is a serial shagger.
You are his current shagee

LadyJ2023 · 21/06/2023 21:13

What a foolish woman you are!!! I would think more of myself and have left by now!!!

Sandra1984 · 21/06/2023 21:18

Married boss sleeping with his employees? Massive breach of ethics on his part. This guy has no morals and he’s probably telling you what you want to hear. Do you really want this jerk as a serious partner? I don’t think he’s relationship material IMO.

CaroleSinger · 21/06/2023 21:27

He's in a position of power and has abused that power to get in your knickers. They always tell you they never felt like this before. That's to make you think you're special so you will keep quiet about it. You know they never leave the girlfriend right? No matter how unhappy they tell you they are, it's always her he goes home to always her he goes on holiday with etc. And when you finally decide to tell her what's going on you'll be the deluded psycho from work who thinks he fancies you but he keeps telling you he's not interested and you won't listen blah blah blah. You know all that right? And they sleep in separate rooms? Come on! 🤣🤣

mrsneate · 21/06/2023 21:34

Say he leaves her

You get together, you move in together..

Will it always be in your mind how you two started? I'm sure it will. I tiger never changes it's spots

JustanotherOW · 21/06/2023 21:38

I was in a very similar situation to you and gave him an ultimatum. We have now been together 8 years.

If you want a relationship with him then you need to force his hand - that way you will know whether he is telling you the truth.

Either way you need to stop sleeping with him and don't put yourself in such a vunerable position again.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 21/06/2023 21:41

What happens when the next woman comes along and he starts shagging her too? He can say all the right things but he's doing the wrong things.

You know it's wrong and he's a knob. It's not fair on you or the girlfriend who actually and stupidly loves him.