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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having an affair with my boss

213 replies

BellZa · 21/06/2023 19:24

Hi!
usual story.
I've been working here for a year now.
My boss is a great guy (I know I know.. .but EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY TELLS ME THE SAME!) and I honestly feel lucky to work with him. I work in an all male team, in a mostly male department. and he has always been super respectful and considered and he is extremely protective of me and my work. (don´t know how to feel about this to be honest...)
2 months ago after a few days working long hours together... he kissed me. and I kissed him back...
We didnt´t do anything else that night because I said "no no no this is a terrible idea".
I say that night because yes... we are now having a full on affair.
and yes... he tells me all the things... he doesn't have sex with his girlfriend (not married but owned a house together, been together for a long time...) sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.
A part of me, wants to believe him. The other is screaming at me for being such an idiot.
I now scared of people from work finding out, I'm scared of what's going to happen with my job if I break up with him, what if I Don't... my head is full of "What ifs"
He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...
of course, their house is not on the market, he is still living at home and... they are on holiday together right now. (they have the trip booked from before but...) he says that they barely speak... well you know.
I think I'm going crazy because I don't believe anything he says now (before, when he was just my boss I trusted him completely) but I do want to believe him and see if he is telling the truth?

So... I need you all to tell me that he is just lying and I should just leave him and look for another Job . right?
I can't talk about this with anybody because I feel so ashamed... It's such a cliche...
and yes I feel terrible for his girlfriend.
I've tried to break it off a couple of times but them I see him in the office and he looks at me with such sadness and... I just fall back into it...

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry for the long rant! I just needed to talk about it!

OP posts:
Chasingadvice · 21/06/2023 21:45

Aren't you embarrassed at your age?

surreygirl1987 · 21/06/2023 21:46

This was me. Don't do it. I was gaslighted and heartbroken. He'd been stringing us both on the whole time. Thankfully he left the job but it was unbearable while he was there.

Jshq · 21/06/2023 21:48

Yes, you should look for a new job and stop seeing him, no good will come out of this professionally or personally.

Butterwouldmelt · 21/06/2023 21:52

It doesn't really matter what you believe OP. Ultimately he is not going to leave so what will you gain long term? ( heartbreak). Run for the hills! OP.

Bea253 · 21/06/2023 21:52

You lose them how you get them, remember that. If he’s cheating on her, he’ll cheat on you too. Then you’ll be out of a relationship and a job.

Butterwouldmelt · 21/06/2023 21:53

Chasingadvice · 21/06/2023 21:45

Aren't you embarrassed at your age?

Don't make this an age thing. It takes all kinds...

Qbish · 21/06/2023 21:57

There's a really easy way to sort this out. You tell him that you can't continue with the relationship until he has broken up with his girlfriend and moved out. Sorted.

Still, as the old saying goes, if he did it with you then he'll do it to you...

Gazelda · 21/06/2023 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

C'mon.

While I agree that OP is a fool, naive, etc etc. there's no justification for this sort of personal insult.

TippledPink · 21/06/2023 21:59

Everyone will say the same, that he won't leave. But they don't know that. Some of what he says might be true, some might not. The stickler for me is going on holiday- why would they be going on holiday of he has told her he wants to end the relationship?

If I were you, I would say to him that you are ending things, and if when he leaves his girlfriend and moves out you are still available, great, pick it back up then. It will be hard but there really is no reason for him to stay, he doesn't really have any excuses. So put him to the test.

newjobnewstartihope · 21/06/2023 21:59

He's probably telling half the other people in the office how great they are and being 'protective' of them in the same way . Or has done

chezpopbang · 21/06/2023 22:00

Even if he leaves his gf and you two become official. You are the new office couple how do you really think it's going to play out? Firstly everything you do at work will be tainted by the fact you two had an affair and you only got this or that because you shagged the boss. Secondly people who were your friends will no longer be because they view your differently. Thirdly will you ever really be able to trust him because of the way your relationship started? What's to say he won't cheat on you when he gets bored. Relationships are about making conscious choices and in a long term relationship you are not going to love them every minute of it. It's about making the choice to stick it out because fundamentally this person is who you chose and who you like better then everyone else. Rather than him doing the decent thing and breaking up with her or making the choice to work on it he has gone behind her back and betrayed her. He will do the same to you.

massiveclamps · 21/06/2023 22:01

You're scared of people from work finding out? Too late. You can see it a mile off.

blueshoes · 21/06/2023 22:02

I think you are star crossed lovers. Just meant to be. He is only with her out of obligation and the fact they have a house together. He does not love her or have sex with her. They live in separate rooms. He has gone on holiday because he wants to end it with her face to face. He is going to come back and announce they have separated and will be selling the house, releasing the equity so that you both can buy a house together and come clean about your relationship with your colleagues. It does not matter by then whether you still have a job because he is big boss money bags and you have bagged yourself a prince amongst men. A man who will never cheat on you ever and will cherish you for life.

Sounds like a happy ending to me.

M340 · 21/06/2023 22:02

Bonbon21 · 21/06/2023 19:28

Have you heard of Karma?

Do you have any evidence that karma is real?

And yes OP, you've been a fool. He is a cheating bastard and you a homewrecker for willingly doing this knowing he has a woman at home.

Both of you have no morals.

EarthSight · 21/06/2023 22:21

OP, he's either a dreamer with no-follow through, or he wants to have his cake & eat it. Both will lead to disappointment, and if he did ever leave his girlfriend, what will you have won in the end? A man who will cheat on his long term girlfriend. It's possible they do sleep apart....but I wouldn't believe that because he's telling you what you want to hear.

SabrinaThwaite · 21/06/2023 22:21

Your colleagues will know, and as the only female in a male department your work reputation will be compromised at best.

You already know he’s spinning you a web of lies.

In your shoes I would quietly distance myself from him whilst finding a new job.

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

EarthSight · 21/06/2023 22:22

Also yes, please get another job. You're not able to think clearly and get some distance with him at work, and the fact that he's your boss means that you have an unhealthy relationship with a superior.

AngelinaFibres · 21/06/2023 22:23

So he leaves his long term girlfriend, you get together, you get pregnant and go on maternity leave. You aren't young and exciting and shaggable anymore so he employs a young, attractive woman to replace you. He stops fucking you and moves on to her. And so the cycle continues.

AngelinaFibres · 21/06/2023 22:27

TippledPink · 21/06/2023 21:59

Everyone will say the same, that he won't leave. But they don't know that. Some of what he says might be true, some might not. The stickler for me is going on holiday- why would they be going on holiday of he has told her he wants to end the relationship?

If I were you, I would say to him that you are ending things, and if when he leaves his girlfriend and moves out you are still available, great, pick it back up then. It will be hard but there really is no reason for him to stay, he doesn't really have any excuses. So put him to the test.

He's probably told Op that he will tell his gf they are over whilst on holiday and then he and Op will be together. We all know he won't do anything of the sort

PeacefulPottering · 21/06/2023 22:30

These types of posts normally fizzle out OP. Because you have been told things you don't like.
I hope your non response is because you realise he's aan utter twat and you know that you have no future with him.
Get yourself together, tell him it's over and move on. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on a cheating cunt of a man.

ProfessorXtra · 21/06/2023 22:36

Imagine say at home, alone, thinking about how the bloke you are shagging promised you the world. While he is off travelling and having a holiday with his girlfriend.

Imagine letting yourself be taken the piss out of whole he goes to his home with his girlfriend every night.

Op, why do you feel that’s all you deserve?

Lollypop701 · 21/06/2023 22:39

You know he’s a lying cheater.. it’s hormones. Get another job

rockingbird · 21/06/2023 22:40

I suggest you start looking for a new job.. and leave well alone.

Mojitosaremyfavourite · 21/06/2023 22:40

He’s a rotten pear.

Decent men don’t do this. They don’t feel the need to do it either.

Get yourself some therapy … build on your self esteem and inner worth and learn from this experience and move on.

First of all though you get rid of him immediately and actively start job searching.

Good luck.

Bumply · 21/06/2023 22:41

My boss got sacked for being in a position of authority (able to promote, set bonus, pay rise etc.) over an employee he was in a relationship with and not notifying his bosses.
Not sure of the timing re divorcing his wife, but it was definitely the employee issue that lost him his job.