Having an affair with my boss

[BellZa]

Hi!
usual story.
I've been working here for a year now.
My boss is a great guy (I know I know.. .but EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY TELLS ME THE SAME!) and I honestly feel lucky to work with him. I work in an all male team, in a mostly male department. and he has always been super respectful and considered and he is extremely protective of me and my work. (don´t know how to feel about this to be honest...)
2 months ago after a few days working long hours together... he kissed me. and I kissed him back...
We didnt´t do anything else that night because I said "no no no this is a terrible idea".
I say that night because yes... we are now having a full on affair.
and yes... he tells me all the things... he doesn't have sex with his girlfriend (not married but owned a house together, been together for a long time...) sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.
A part of me, wants to believe him. The other is screaming at me for being such an idiot.
I now scared of people from work finding out, I'm scared of what's going to happen with my job if I break up with him, what if I Don't... my head is full of "What ifs"
He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...
of course, their house is not on the market, he is still living at home and... they are on holiday together right now. (they have the trip booked from before but...) he says that they barely speak... well you know.
I think I'm going crazy because I don't believe anything he says now (before, when he was just my boss I trusted him completely) but I do want to believe him and see if he is telling the truth?

So... I need you all to tell me that he is just lying and I should just leave him and look for another Job . right?
I can't talk about this with anybody because I feel so ashamed... It's such a cliche...
and yes I feel terrible for his girlfriend.
I've tried to break it off a couple of times but them I see him in the office and he looks at me with such sadness and... I just fall back into it...

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry for the long rant! I just needed to talk about it!

You “think” you’ll tell him it’s all over?

You don’t sound very resolute.

Leave the GF it's not your business to tell her anything.
Why would you?

Oh no, no. I'm going to tell him. I'm 100% sure now.

Mate, you're being a fucking idiot.

Why do you think you're so special that your situation is that 0.0000001% chance where he isn't chatting total rubbish? Open your eyes. You're making a fool of yourself and people WILL notice what's going on.

I’m surprised it still hasn’t happened if I’m honest, what are you waiting for?

you don’t owe him sn explanation, just a message saying only contact me for work related issues.

would take less than two minutes.

Hi OP.
I was / am in your same situation. The only difference is I know he's not going to leave his wife and I'm very aware of that.

My advice to you is get out now.

My affair is still ongoing but he's now my ex-boss. He left the company, which was a massive relief for me. I don't think there's any way you'll be able to go back to how things were before now that you've crossed that line. It's going to be too complicated and your colleagues will pick up on the awkwardness and start to put two and two together.

He's not my OM, is he? He's currently on holiday with his wife too.

Unless you're happy being the "side piece" for however long he decides to keep it going for, (and it will be his decision at the end of the day. If his girlfriend gets suspicious, he will drop you so fast), then you're going to have to end if and unfortunately start job hunting.

Well done for taking the first steps and WFH to give yourself a break. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

I dont know? I was going to wait for him to be back. I don't know why...

No I don’t know why either…….

There is no reason is there?

Don't tell the girlfriend.
You have no moral high ground so it will just be seen as a vindictive act.
SO many ways that could backfire.
You have no idea what it will do to her or her life, if you don't know what damage you'll cause, leave it alone.

I do not know why every other poster on this thread seems to be on your side and encouraging you to tell his poor girlfriend when you are just as bad as him is awful advice.
End the affair and leave his girlfriend out of it. You are not blameless here. You stated having an affair with a man who is not single and you knew it.
I do not care how much he has shown you that he is duplicitous - you already knew that from the moment you touched each other !

End the affair and look for a new job.

That's it.

Don't put yourself in this position again.

Even if he left his gf what's stopping this happening to you in the future with him.

The only reason I can think of is that I know he is going to make me feel guilty... or at least he is going to try.
And that I'm a bit scared of the consequences, so I'm being a coward and delaying it.

Stop making excuses, you’re making yourself sound even more awful!

But but but …..

@BellZa
You are not being a coward for the right reasons though are you? You just want damage limitation while at the same time dragging his unwitting girlfriend into the sordid little mess you have both created.
You can't have your cake and eat it OP.
Walk away and leave him to it.

You're never going to forget how you got together, can you live with knowing he'd do the same to you and your kids etc? A life of never quite knowing you can trust him?

@BellZa - you need to stop wilting and think, what would someone in control do.
I wouldn't necessarily inform him while he's away. It will give him more time to consider his next move.
You take the time to plan your move instead. Information is power.
By the time he's back you'll have decided your position, gathered your evidence in case needed for HR, applied for a few jobs and set up WFH as your new normal. This will limit how much he can smear you or outmanoeuvre you to your detriment.
Just be quiet and start mending the damage you've done to your life.

@PimpMyFridge
@BellZa - you need to stop wilting and think, what would someone in control do.
I wouldn't necessarily inform him while he's away. It will give him more time to consider his next move.
You take the time to plan your move instead. Information is power.
By the time he's back you'll have decided your position, gathered your evidence in case needed for HR, applied for a few jobs and set up WFH as your new normal. This will limit how much he can smear you or outmanoeuvre you to your detriment.
Just be quiet and start mending the damage you've done to your life.

This is really good advice. If you start rocking the boat now you may find yourself without a job and getting another job is always better if you already have one

Why should the OP leave her job?

Op shouldn’t have to leave her job. In an ideal world it wouldn’t impact her half as much as it does him. She should be able to end it and that’s it.

Firstly, I don’t think she will end it. I think Op still wants to believe he is telling her the truth. She wants a face to face so he can convince her.

But secondly, we don’t live in an ideal world. We can all say it should be him that takes the fall and leaves. But he is unlikely to. And even if he does, it’s not pleasant being the only woman in a male dominated industry when stuff like this comes out.

I might be wrong, but op doesn’t (currently) come across as strong enough to be the trail blazer to change that in society or even at her employer. And she couldn’t do it, in that place on her own. Op can either stay and hope the gossip dies down and doesn’t impact her career, possibly wasting a few years. Or move on and make a fresh start.

If she tells someone the company more often than not the company would appear to do the right thing ie reprimand him. But it’s likely to impact Ops career.

Many people prefer to give realistic advice, based on the world we live in. Not the world we wish we did. Women need to get to the top before they can start influencing change. That’s a road paved with very difficult choices.

And that I'm a bit scared of the consequences, so I'm being a coward and delaying it.

you have the power here. The consequences for him are huge & will he would probably lose his job if people found out (assume he is your direct line manager). He will try and put a lid on it & worry what you will say in the exit interview.

Have you been getting frequent STD tests?
Whats ‘difficult’ about his situation? Banging two women and keeping it secret from one of them? Trying to recall what drivel he’s spun you? Poor pet, must be so difficult for him 😂

Because he’s the boss, he will get rid of her once she’s ended the affair and no longer be “very protective of her and her work” and she’ll be hounded out.

Might not be fair, but neither is having an affair with someone in a relationship.

Karma and all that!

Tbh I wouldn’t bother telling him while he was away. That’s quite dramatic.

I mean if you were going to put your energy and resources into anything today it should be job hunting.

Im flabbergasted you bought into the whole scenario.

is the property even on the market? Even so you don’t go on holiday with someone when you are splitting up and have a new gf (you) do you?

He is lying to you very predictably so he can have a bit of sex with someone other than his partner. You will not be the first person he has at least attempted this with. You are jeopardising your career.

Sort out WFH, archive all messages and back away. If he is still messaging you constantly it may be easier to try and end this in a nice but direct way rather than letting it fizzle. Text, so there is a trail in case he gets shitty at work. Say how much you have enjoyed spending time with him but now is the right time to leave things where they are. Say you hope you can be friendly at work but you have too much on with your family to carry on with such a complicated situation and wish him well. This is trying to limit potential damage to you. Don't express regret that you're ending things, just make it about your needs external to the affair.

Someone suggested sending copies to his wife. Don't. You have no moral high ground and will be placing yourself at more risk in a professional sense.

I was coming on to say just this.