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Original poster

Having an affair with my boss

213 replies

BellZa · 21/06/2023 19:24

Hi!
usual story.
I've been working here for a year now.
My boss is a great guy (I know I know.. .but EVERYBODY IN THE COMPANY TELLS ME THE SAME!) and I honestly feel lucky to work with him. I work in an all male team, in a mostly male department. and he has always been super respectful and considered and he is extremely protective of me and my work. (don´t know how to feel about this to be honest...)
2 months ago after a few days working long hours together... he kissed me. and I kissed him back...
We didnt´t do anything else that night because I said "no no no this is a terrible idea".
I say that night because yes... we are now having a full on affair.
and yes... he tells me all the things... he doesn't have sex with his girlfriend (not married but owned a house together, been together for a long time...) sleeping in different bedrooms, he is not happy, he has told her that he wants to end the relationship... I know all men say this.
A part of me, wants to believe him. The other is screaming at me for being such an idiot.
I now scared of people from work finding out, I'm scared of what's going to happen with my job if I break up with him, what if I Don't... my head is full of "What ifs"
He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...
of course, their house is not on the market, he is still living at home and... they are on holiday together right now. (they have the trip booked from before but...) he says that they barely speak... well you know.
I think I'm going crazy because I don't believe anything he says now (before, when he was just my boss I trusted him completely) but I do want to believe him and see if he is telling the truth?

So... I need you all to tell me that he is just lying and I should just leave him and look for another Job . right?
I can't talk about this with anybody because I feel so ashamed... It's such a cliche...
and yes I feel terrible for his girlfriend.
I've tried to break it off a couple of times but them I see him in the office and he looks at me with such sadness and... I just fall back into it...

so... do we all agree? am I being a fool and he is just like every other cheating bastard and I'm a fool for believing that he is actually a nice man in a difficult situation? (as I'm tipping all sounds like bollocks to me ....)

Sorry for the long rant! I just needed to talk about it!

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 21/06/2023 22:44

He's dipping his nib in the office inkwell.
What a sleazeball!

Stickytreacle · 21/06/2023 22:52

The only thing you'll get out of this is the risk of a nasty infection.

Womencanlift · 21/06/2023 22:58

Guess the OP is not returning then

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/06/2023 22:59

If you value your career and professional reputation at all then leave.

People will eventually find out (assuming they don’t know already), and it won’t end well for you.

Not the brightest idea really was it?

Gh12345 · 21/06/2023 23:03

You’re being naive, he will be lying.

Quitelikeit · 21/06/2023 23:06

If this man had children, and financial commitments I’d be inclined to give him some benefit on why he stays

however he has no commitments and he could have quit the relationship anytime

but he doesn’t have to - you know why? Because he is happy to string you both along

Honestly you are a being taken for a fool.

The ending will be painful for you. If he saw you as marriage material he would act accordingly however which type of material do you think he views you as?

SabrinaThwaite · 21/06/2023 23:08

Everyone does something stupid at some point in their life (some people are serial offenders).

Recognising it (I think OP does) and then working out how to get out of it with minimal damage is the next step.

Channellingsophistication · 21/06/2023 23:10

If he’s not married and they have no children why hasnt he left… why has he gone on holiday with someone he’s not speaking to… It doesnt add up does it…

Quveas · 21/06/2023 23:10

googlejourney · 21/06/2023 19:47

You stop sleeping with him immediately, and tell him you are serious about a relationship with him but will wait until he us completely single and living alone after leaving her.

It will never happen, he is not going to leave her. He dies not sleep in the spare room.

If he does and you enter a full relationship with you, one day it will be you he cheats on.

Sweetheart, he's a bad un...

You missed out the bit where, when she dumps him, he sacks her...

Sorry OP, but this is going to be a tragedy at best, but more likely a farce which ends up with you sacked. Find another job now. Then end it.

Showdogworkingdog · 21/06/2023 23:43

The thing with secret affairs at work is that they’re never secret. Your colleagues will have noticed stuff and will be talking about it behind your backs. You need to find another job and get out of there before it all blows up in your face.

VDisappointing · 22/06/2023 00:46

Even if you can convince yourself of most of his lies...going on holiday together surely must be the clincher for you. Who goes on holiday together if they are unhappy and committed to breaking up.

MissTrip82 · 22/06/2023 00:55

He’s not a good guy. The lies he’s told/acted to both you and his partner…….he’s not a good guy. He’s comfortable risking devestating both of you. He’s happy to hurt both of you. None of this is good guy behaviour.

Leave him and your job.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/06/2023 02:15

Ah come on....you cannot be this naive.

He lies to her but you think he's trueful to you.
He doesn't respect her but you think he respects you.
He'll cheat on her but you think he won't cheat on you.

Seriously it's a tale as old as time and it never has a happy ending but you think you are the exception.

This tosser doesn't even have the usual "staying for the kids,". He could end it with her in 30 seconds if he wanted to. He hasn't. He only cares about himself and certain neither of the two of you.

Also when you are getting laid, where you get paid, everyone knows. You are falling yourself on that too.

TallerThanAverage · 22/06/2023 05:21

He tells me that he loves, that he wants to be with me, that if I want we can just leave tomorrow together and go anywhere I want, that he has never feel this way before...

Why not take him up on his offer? See how that goes.

Itsallok · 22/06/2023 05:24

Must be a troll. Surely women dont still fall for this crap.

heartbroken40 · 22/06/2023 05:54

Unfortunately I can only echo what everyone else is saying. He won't leave his girlfriend and you will get the wrong reputation at work. Can you change job? Unfortunately your opportunity for a career at that firm is gone but you are young and can start anew. The key part of this is stop dithering and start looking for a new job TODAY!

Original poster
BellZa · 22/06/2023 08:24

Hello. Thank you all for your answers.
Yes . You are right. I'm an idiot and need to end this now.
I've just requested working from home during the summer(lots of my colleagues have done so), and I am going to start looking for a job today!
I honestly don't know how I'm in this situation. Before this started, I've never done anything like this, and I would have thought that I wouldn't, but well... here I am!

Anyway. I don't want to make excuses for myself, but in the year we've been working together, he has always been honest and decent in every other aspect so when the relationship started it was difficult to accept that he was looking me in the eye and lying constantly.... about everything. Has he been pretending for a year? I don't know.

I'll be taking to him once he is back from his holiday. I want to make some plans before.

I think no one knows in the office. We both have very clear that we didn't want them to know. And I know it will have serious repercussions for him if the bosses found out... but... I can't be sure, of course.

Someone asked if he was a lawyer. He is not.
And they don't have children.
And the reason I just don't say yes! Let's do this, it's complicated. I have some family issues going on at the moment, and I can't move easily. I think he says this because he knows i can't at the moment....(I'm single, by the way. Some of you asked)

Again. Thanks for your answers. I needed to hear it. (Not all of them maybe...)

OP posts:
TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 22/06/2023 09:14

I think no one knows in the office. We both have very clear that we didn't want them to know

They always know

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/06/2023 09:16

@BellZa He wants it all, and he will want the excitement of you. So the attraction and the spark isn’t a lie. But everything else is. He doesn’t love you. He cares more about his girlfriend as he is living with her, going on holiday with her and openly in a relationship with her. She doesn’t know he’s with you. You are the secret. You are the one sleeping with him yet accepting him giving what a relationship needs to her. I understand it being more complicated when kids are involved but theres not in this situation. If he wanted to leave his GF he would have by now. He doesn’t want to off his own back, he just wants to be selfish and let this ride out as long as he can. You might even be keeping their relationship going as why would he leave when you are giving him the excitement on the side? Even if he does leave her there will still be an overlap as he hasn’t even started disentangling his life with her. Many men leave relationships even those with kids. The fact he hasn’t tells you all you need to know.

Quitelikeit · 22/06/2023 09:16

Do you not think he looks his girlfriend in the eye with the same honesty?

You have been duped!

you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last

PimpMyFridge · 22/06/2023 09:20

Being extra protective of you is bit 'love bombing', consciously or not he has melted your boundaries and that's why you know look around and wonder how you got here.

Get space, get a dose of cold water (metaphorically) and don't believe the story about the girlfriend... If anything can remind you that all is not quite as it seems, it's this.
What kind of relationship would they really need to have to still be living together and going on holiday - it just doesn't match his story (is he implying he stays out of pity, fear? 🤨)... So great guy at work though he may seem, many people wear a mask in their professional life and would be lauded as wonderful by everyone they work with, but it's not their full self... He's just told you what you need to hear to feel less like your choices are a major transgression. Not honest.

Bambooflowers · 22/06/2023 09:20

Cmon now. You know he’s telling uou what he knows you wish to hear. So he gets some excitement and sex. If what he was telling you they’d not be holidaying together. It’s a sorry as old as time.

if any of it was true, they’d have split, the fact they are currently on hols together, and will be having sex, romantic nights etc, proves the lie.

PimpMyFridge · 22/06/2023 09:26

Yup.
They're not sitting on opposite twin beds with their back to each other hating every minute, or crawling through awkward silences at dinner with the deafening sound of clinking cutlery just wondering how they can pluck up the courage to end it all.
They're walking to the beach hand in hand etc.

sandragreen · 22/06/2023 09:30

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 22/06/2023 09:14

I think no one knows in the office. We both have very clear that we didn't want them to know

They always know

They really do. You have been fooled OP but dust yourself down, get a new job, and tell yourself you have learned from this and won’t make the same mistake again

Original poster
BellZa · 22/06/2023 09:31

Yes. The holiday together was what really made me think that it was all lies. Until then, I had my doubts... but the holiday? I couldn't find an explanation for that...
He is texting me every day. There's no mention of her. One would think he is alone...

OP posts: