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Original poster

DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

188 replies

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:33

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

OP posts:
jellyminelli · 21/06/2023 18:35

Could/would you go?

AHelpfulHand · 21/06/2023 18:39

I don’t know anyone who would be ok with this

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:42

His DC don't know their dad is seeing anyone. They really struggled when he moved out - he was in a flat but bought a house 6 months or so ago

The exw knows about me - we started seeing eachother about 8 months after he moved out - when he told her she had a go saying she couldn't believe he'd started seeing someone within weeks of moving out (when it was months!)

So even if his DC knew then I'm not sure she would welcome it. I've met his friends but not their wives though they are aware of me. The wives are all friends with the exw.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/06/2023 18:48

I wouldnt stop him from going, but id think it all sounds very cosy and entwined. You cannot win here tbh. If you say no, youll feel rubbish and if you say yes youll feel rubbish. The fact hes asked if he can go with his ex wife but without you, would make me just end the relationship while i still had my dignity

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:53

We have been together 14 months, it'll be about 2 years by the time they go.

He was really torn about going. He's spoken to his friends about it too and they offered to share rooms etc.

He says he's not looking forward to going with her being there but he really enjoys being there with the kids and his mates. They always go to the same place and have done for about 15 years

OP posts:
Superdupes · 21/06/2023 18:54

I'd say yes - if he's going to end up going back to the ex then better he does it sooner rather than later.

Fuckthatguy · 21/06/2023 18:58

Let him hang himself OP

Fuckthatguy · 21/06/2023 18:58

Mean that figuratively of course! Give him enough rope…

FloweryName · 21/06/2023 18:58

I used to do this with my ex when my dc were younger and those holidays were fun enjoyable experiences for everyone involved. I stopped doing it when I met my DH, but ex and I had book a holiday about 18 months before it was due to happen and it was in that time that I met my DH. The holiday still happened and it was difficult for my then DP, but it only lasted 10 days and then it was over forever. If he’d expected me to disappoint my children by cancelling that holiday, he would never have become my husband.

If you feel like you have a strong and solid relationship, then it will stand this minor test. A lifetime together will probably throw up much bigger challenges to your relationship than a group holiday that includes the ex.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:59

I did actually this evening say I was afraid they'd have a good time and remember how good it used to be and want to get back together.........

His reply was 'I'd have to remember a very very very long time ago'

OP posts:
Duckingella · 21/06/2023 18:59

It's a red flag if the kids don't know about you after 14 months tbh.

Why did he and his ex split?;who instigated it?

SapatSea · 21/06/2023 19:01

It sounds like you are still fairly new as a couple, so who knows if you'll still be together next Easter. It does sound quite enmeshed. But you are between a rock and a hard place - if you say no you aren't happy about it, he may resent you and it will adversely affect your relationship. He may decide to go despite your veto and tell you to deal with it. If you give your blessing, you are going to worry the whole time that he may get together with the ex. She may also see him as attractive again (even if only for the holiday) as he now has you. BUT there are the DC to consider and I can see why he would want to go and have a good time with them, and they do come first! Perhaps by Easter you will have a firmer, more trusting RL. If he does cheat with the ex or they get back together then that was probably always going to happen anyway. If feeling like a second fiddle gets too much I think you should call it quits.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:01

@FloweryName how did you feel going away with ex? Was it awkward? Did it ever make you consider getting back together?

OP posts:
sushiandsauvignon · 21/06/2023 19:01

For another perspective, I went away on holiday with my ex and our dc and all it did was reinforce to me why I'd left him Grin. So it won't necessarily be all cosy between the exes if he does decide to go!

However neither of us had partners and I probably wouldn't consider it if I was in another relationship. If I was in your partner's position I'd decline OP, particularly if I knew my new partner didn't feel happy about it. I don't think you can stop him from going if he wants to, but I'd be totally honest and let him know how I was feeling and see what call he makes after that.

SidekickSylvia · 21/06/2023 19:02

That was okay while they were both single, but he isn't single now, so your boyfriend of 2 years going on holiday with his ex instead of with you is really odd.

ProudThrilledHappy · 21/06/2023 19:02

If their co-parenting is strong enough to manage this, it should be strong enough for new partners to join IME. I can understand why he wants to go but not sure why you have’t met DC by now and are able to join?

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:03

@Duckingella they don't know as in their divorce agreement it states that before the children are aware of the new partner then the ex needs to meet them first (so if she had someone new then he'd have to to meet them before the kids know and vice versa). It sounds odd but I have actually read it

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 21/06/2023 19:05

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:03

@Duckingella they don't know as in their divorce agreement it states that before the children are aware of the new partner then the ex needs to meet them first (so if she had someone new then he'd have to to meet them before the kids know and vice versa). It sounds odd but I have actually read it

So when are you meeting his ex wife then. If it's not soon then I would call it a day.

FairAcre · 21/06/2023 19:07

I couldn't and wouldn't accept this. Either he wants to move on from his ex wife or he doesn't. He cannot have it both ways.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 19:08

@Blushingm so has he suggested you meet his ex so you can move relationship forward and be introduced to his DC?

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:10

@Whenwillitallmakesense yes he has. Just need to find a time when the DC aren't around etc and somewhere neutral.

I don't want to go to her house particularly

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/06/2023 19:43

they don't know as in their divorce agreement it states that before the children are aware of the new partner then the ex needs to meet them first

As a matter of interest, how can a divorce agreement compel an unknown third party to observe its terms, especially one like that? you (or any other partner of your DP and his ex) aren't a party to the divorce and aren't bound by its terms, I'd have thought.

MrLbz · 21/06/2023 19:46

He must be a right catch for you to even consider being involved in this mess.

Reugny · 21/06/2023 19:47

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/06/2023 19:43

they don't know as in their divorce agreement it states that before the children are aware of the new partner then the ex needs to meet them first

As a matter of interest, how can a divorce agreement compel an unknown third party to observe its terms, especially one like that? you (or any other partner of your DP and his ex) aren't a party to the divorce and aren't bound by its terms, I'd have thought.

It will be a Parenting Plan.

It isn't a legal document but parts of it (so that part would be excluded) could be turned into a child arrangements order.

Fiddlerdragon · 21/06/2023 19:49

If he enjoys going away with his mates and kids so much then why can’t HE arrange a holiday with them instead of tagging along on his ex wife’s one?