DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

[Blushingm]

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

So what happens if you don't get on or she hates you on sight?

Was anything about that written into the divorce agreement? (never heard of that before)

No, it didn’t make me consider getting back together at all and no it wasn’t awkward. It was just the situation we were in.

Not a chance.

I find it odd you haven't met the kids yet. I find it odd you've had the opportunity to get to that point and haven't taken it.

You’ve been together all this time and not merry his kids? What if you can’t stand them?

I'd let my husband go.

We both had very long term relationships before our marriage. He once had a work trip just him and an ex fiance for a few days and I was ok with it.

When we talked about the way those relationships ended they were completely dead in the water at the end. I think if there was ever a chance of cheating in our marriage (which I feel is very unlikely) it would be with someone new and exciting.

Even if they hadn't settled into a similar sort of horror at the thought of reigniting anything with their ex, they have their kids and friends there and that's a lot of weight of expectation not to do anything that would make the holiday awkward.

I figure you either trust someone or you don't, and if you don't what kind of relationship do you really have?

This really wouldn't work for me, no. Nor would I expect my partner to be OK with it.

When you get divorced, things change. If it's a yearly thing, maybe they should alternate.

The first one I could understand, I wouldn't agree to the 2nd in your current situation, there are much more pressing things.
I'd personally like to be part of it, you have time to arrange meeting the ex, children and join them.

If not, run away, almost 2 years and you've not met his children and he's planning a holiday with his ex?

No thanks

Nope. Your either together or your not. Why doesn't he go with her kids. Strange set up.

How far would some posters take it in this situation? They're not in a relationship so the cosy couple's holidays with their couple friends is not a thing. Unless they want to continue to be a couple at times when they choose to, and everyone is supposed to just be cool about it?

I do not believe that any of the PP would be ok with this. By the same principle, you would surely be ok with them going to couple's dinner parties with their friends, joint accounts, shared car, staying over at each other's houses. Hell why don't they just go on dates and have a shag now and again. It's what they used to do after all, and some of you are acting like 'only been split up for 2 years' doesn't actually count as split up. They're either in a relationship or they're not.

In terms of 'if he's going to stray, let him'. How would OP know? He's not going to tell her, is he. And their friends who want to perpetuate their coupley holiday won't either, they're happy to pretend OP doesn't exist.

I don’t think he should be laying the burden of the decision on you.

If it was me I I would let him know how I would feel if he went and let him make the decision.

I would then decide whether or not to stay in the relationship based on his response

I think he needs to introduce you to his children now and then you should go together as a couple.

I think it sounds fine. He’s told you about it. He’s told his friends about you. If he wants to be with her (and it doesn’t sound like he does) he will be anyway.

Trust is a big thing. Do you have it or not?*

*he could have an affair at work next week.

Sounds like he's having his cake and eating it. Happy families and all that entails with family friends and you waiting back home, but without even a shred of guilt as it's all up front! Bet he's very pleased with himself.

I used to work with someone who was in a similar position - he’d split with his wife at her instigation. And he went on holiday with the ex wife and kids (for the kids), he spent Christmas with them (“the kids like it”) etc etc. And then he met someone else. As soon as that got serious, the ex wife basically decided she wanted him back. And he went (“for the kids”) and the whole thing was a disaster as they’d really both moved on and he should’ve stuck with the (lovely) new girlfriend, but couldn’t quite break out of the co-dependent “thing” with the ex. It’s never a winner. Even if your DP is well over it, then you’re going to be the bad guy when all these family holidays have to stop. I’d be wary, OP.

There’s nothing blurred - it’s crystal clear: he wants to go on a pre planned holiday with his friends and kids. His ex wife’s presence is neither here nor there.

OP might feel that it’s not ok with her that she’s not his priority after 14 months.

Or she might feel that just over a year into a relationship with someone with two children and a recent divorce to deal with she can understand that she’s not yet in a position to be his priority.

That’s for her to decide.

Personally I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. And I think children generally benefit from a sense of cohesion and continuity post divorce/separation if it’s possible to safely provide it. If she can’t support that then both she and her partner should probably reconsider the relationship as their priorities would seem incompatible.

It just seems a shame for her to throw the baby out with the bath water, if she feels that they are generally moving forward in their relationship and are happy. In her shoes I would focus more on wanting to meet the exW and children prior to the holiday (ie before or around the two year mark). If he doesn’t want to do that it says more about their relationship than him going on this holiday could.

Why isn’t he inviting you?
it wouldn’t be my cup of tea and I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than have to socialise with ex wife, however, you are his partner now and yet no one is acting like you exist. Ex wife , the friends , dp?
id take this as a massive red flag that he isn’t that into you if he’s quite happy doing this.

I think meeting his ex-wife, so you can then meet his kids should be your priority. Why won't you meet her in her house, if it makes it easier to arrange?

I would tell him to go and enjoy it.

I would also be booking something for myself with friends at the same time or sooner rather than later. I wouldn't be playing games about it but I would be letting him see that I was able to have a great time with friends without him.

Sounds like he needs to establish a new holiday routine to me. The kids aren't so young they need to keep this tradition going. It's time for him to step down or invite you and exw steps down. Unless you could all happily holiday together.
How long does he think it's normal to continue this?!

This is insane.

Nothing to do with them rekindling.

He needs to live one coherent life.

Not pick bits of two different lives.

So I'm guessing he will never tell his kids because then he'll have to say he's been seeing you for 14 months and their trust will be gone.

He's treating you appallingly and obviously trying to guilt trip you into saying you're fine with it.

I'm guessing you've not met the friends either?

What kind if nonsense "divorce agreement" is that? That's ridiculous.

No way would I stand for this.
What happens on holiday stays on holiday? What if he ends up sharing with ex?
Also the kids aren't tiny. Why are they being treated like they are? Perhaps they see this holiday as Mum and Dad getting back together?
Just No.
He can go somewhere with you instead.

Could you not just go with him and him tell his children about you now so they are mentally prepared for you being on the holiday? 14 months is long enough not to meet your partners children let alone not even tell them you even exist!