Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

188 replies

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:33

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

OP posts:
RunningOnHope · 21/06/2023 19:51

When I was a kid and my parents divorced, we asked my parents after a while if they'd consider doing Christmas together sometimes, and the odd holiday too. They'd split because my mum came out as gay, so there was no chance of getting back together, and my dad didn't date anyone else, so less complicated. But my mum did have relationships, reasonably short term, while we were still teenagers.

Those Christmases and holidays meant the world to me. I know it can't have been easy for them, but it made me feel so much more stable and secure knowing I could share some of those moments with both parents at the same time still.

So, I think if you're otherwise happy and that there's progress towards you meeting the ex and kids soon, then I'd be okay with it happening this time. I'd want to have a conversation about how it plays out long term - you going with them from next year sounds like the obvious solution if you can all manage to get along.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 21/06/2023 19:52

It isn't a legal document but parts of it (so that part would be excluded) could be turned into a child arrangements order

Blimey. I'd run a mile if a DP's ex demanded to vet me as if I were an employee on probation.

mindutopia · 21/06/2023 19:53

My dad used to sometimes come on family holidays with us. He was pretty useless so never would have taken me away on his own. As a child, it seemed really normal and not at all confusing, and in retrospect, is a real testament to how hard my mum tried to do the best for me. And my parents were absolutely not in any way trying to get back together. My dad had a long term partner, sometimes she’d come too.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:53

@Fiddlerdragon it's not her that's organised it. They've all kind of organised it between them as it's a regular thing (or was) to go away with the other couples

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:57

I mean they've organised it between the couples - the wives have all got chatting and said yeah we should do it

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 21/06/2023 19:57

This wouldn’t have bothered me when I first met my DP because their marriage had been moribund for a couple of years pre-separation and I knew that he had no romantic feelings for her - he’d completely gone off her. TBH I’d have been more worried about a holiday with the attractive female friend who’d asked him out unsuccessfully just before he met me - but he wouldn’t have expected me to have been ok with a holiday with her so that’s a moot point!

More worrying for me, is the fact that you’re still a secret from his kids after 14 months. The holiday will be fine, nothing will happen there, it’s pretty irrelevant. But how long must you wait before you’re an official couple?

jellyminelli · 21/06/2023 20:14

No, I'd not be happy to be the little secret while they all play happy families on holiday.

We socialise with my ex and his wife, it's all very friendly. We've gone away together, but this sounds completely different

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/06/2023 20:15

I don't believe the friends, a couple on holiday, offered to share rooms with your ex and his ex wife. This is a horrible entwined situation and I'd be removing myself from it.

caringcarer · 21/06/2023 20:21

I'd not mind the holiday as much as being kept a secret from his kids.

Whyjustwhyohwhy · 21/06/2023 20:37

They were together over 15 years and have two children. He moved out less than two years ago (exactly as his eldest was starting secondary school etc). You’ve been together just over a year.

I’m sorry but YABU and there is not a red flag here. He has been upfront in what’s proposed and why it’s important to him to do it. It’s not a red flag not to meet his children as yet, and their agreement that they each have to meet new partners before the children do is both reasonable and indicates that they are both keen to protect the kids emotional well being.

Ending a long relationship with children involved is not something most people do lightly - the chances of them suddenly deciding it’s all been a big mistake just because they’ve spent a week together is infinitesimally small.

As PP have said - it’s more likely to reinforce exactly why they didn’t want to stay together. I would take it as a positive sign that he is willing to be open and up front about this, that he cares so much about his children and his co-parenting relationship, and that his friends are willing to help facilitate his presence by swapping rooms around etc so he can be there. This suggests they are respectful of the change in circumstances.

This is a situation which will continue to evolve if you stay together. Sooner or later you will meet his ex and his children. Sooner or later the four of you will be going on holidays all together. You might have your own child together etc etc.

If you want all of that with him then there is an enormous upside to showing trust and flexibility now. You don’t want your first contact with his ex, friends, and children to be as the person who can’t share him - I know that’s not what you mean it to be, and his children might not be aware why daddy isn’t going on this holiday, but there’s a danger that’s how it will come across. You’ll just be setting yourself up to fail.

Maybe in another year or two you’ll go as well, maybe the holidays will peter out, maybe you’ll be living together and be glad to have a week to yourself every year - who knows. Being with a guy who has a flexible co-parenting relationship with his ex and a good relationship with his children so much better than the opposite…

RenoDakota · 21/06/2023 20:46

No, could not be doing with that. Would bin him off.

Devonshiregal · 21/06/2023 20:51

Wait…you’ve been together almost TWO years and you’re still lurking in the dark like some sordid little secret?

look if he wants to be a good dad and put his children’s feelings first then great. All for that. But if that means he can’t introduce a new girlfriend then sorry but he doesn’t get to have a girlfriend. He doesn’t get to give you half a relationship, half a life. He doesn’t get to make you agree to things that are obviously going to make you feel uncomfortable under the guise of “for the sake of the kids”.

he chose to get a divorce yet still won’t actually appear divorced - so what was the point?!

he’s having his cake and eating it too.

divorce happens. It’s not the 50s or the 90s. It’s very normal to have separated parents now and they won’t be the only kids in school with a step parent will they?! So either he sorts his shit out and everyone moves on or he doesn’t. But you shouldn’t stick around if he doesn’t.

would you be happy with a boyfriend going on holiday with an ex without you in any other circumstance? Unlikely.

he’s convincing you that this is normal and using the kid angle to make you feel bad or jealous.

honestly ultimatum or ditch. In fact just ditch - why should you have to ultimate him?

Fuckthatguy · 21/06/2023 20:53

@Whyjustwhyohwhy nonsense, he’s setting OP with blurred boundaries from the outset

Shapemyeyebrows · 21/06/2023 20:54

@Blushingm I would absolutely not be ok with this. Especially seeing as the kids have no idea about you. I think doing this sort of thing is fine if both parents are single and the kids understand there’s no getting back together. But when one gets into a serious relationship then things have to change. I would say to him if he wants to continue with a foot in his past life that’s fine but you will leave him to it. At the moment you are a secret and he’s wanting to play happy families with his ex wife, some people might be ok with this but I think most wouldn’t. Friendly ex’s for the sake of kids - yes. Weekends away with ex and kids W here you are a secret and not invited - no. If he wants to go I wouldn’t try and fight against it, I would just accept you have different boundaries and end things. As I think if you accept this there will be more to come in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 20:57

This is all kinds of wrong and you'd have to be a mug to go along with it.

Run like hell away from this crazy train.

Youknowaboutthepaint · 21/06/2023 20:57

His life is different now. He need to find another way to enjoy spending time with his friends and his children.

You can't stop him going but in your shoes I'd be very disappointed in the fact that he wants to. I think it shows he never really moved on and created a single life for himself and his ex is probably right that you got together too soon.

rwalker · 21/06/2023 20:59

Let him go and be ok with it

tbh if you have to put restrictions on people to stop them straying your on a hiding to nothing

Shouldbehoovering · 21/06/2023 21:01

honestly I can see why you hate the idea, but also I think if he and his ex can mange to get along like this for the sake of the children, who will also love this holiday, then you may have got a really good one. It takes a lot to swallow the pain of separation and I do admire anyone who can manage themselves in this way. I know I couldn’t do it. Perhaps in time you can go too. I think that this time it’s fine (assuming accommodation is seperate, that’s not a line that can be crossed) but you (both) need to move forward on integrating yourself as part of the family and friends group.

greencheetah · 21/06/2023 21:05

I wouldn’t be tolerating this, far too cosy.

It’s his business, but I would be off.

CockyTeeHunz4Eva · 21/06/2023 21:06

OP, I get relationships after kids can be unusual and don’t all fit yhennice, clean model. Mine didn’t. My now DH had a family holiday booked for an extended family event, and he went on it. But we were two MONTHS in, not two years.

This is a boundaries issue. Separated couples miss things - that’s just the way life is. And they lose things in the divorce like group holidays. That’s the price of moving on.

I’d be asking why he is so desperate not to move on, because this isn’t about the kids. And after 14 months, you need to meet the ex (I also did this and it was fine, but was at my suggestion not his/the ex’s) and meet the kids. Until that happens you will feel very peripheral and easily dispensable. It’s so so odd he is even considering this trip, don’t let yourself he told otherwise.

clpsmum · 21/06/2023 21:07

AHelpfulHand · 21/06/2023 18:39

I don’t know anyone who would be ok with this

This

leopard22 · 21/06/2023 21:08

As much as I wouldn't like it, I think I'd suck it up and not make too much of a deal about it.

He went last year and it didn't make them want to get back together and tbh if something like that did happen this time then you're probably best without him anyway because it would have only been a matter of time!

You could maybe say, that's fine but I'd really like it if we could go ahead with me meeting ex wife and then look at meeting the children (if that's something you both want)

WhichWitchWillBeWhich · 21/06/2023 21:10

Nah mate, would be my answer to him. He is with you now so he can go on holiday with you and his friends not her and his friends. If he has a problem with that then he can take a running jump.

PermanentTemporary · 21/06/2023 21:14

I guess dp did something like this. He went away with exw and adult kids after we'd been together about a year. It was a post Covid delayed trip.

All absolutely fine. I did admit I was a bit stressed about the possibility of them getting back together. But in the end I knew their marriage was dead, and if it wasn't it was better that I knew sooner rather than later. Dp said 'believe me I've had a lot of practice not having sex with her'. It was good for them all and exw and I are on cordial terms now. The children accepted me more as a result I think.

MissingMoominMamma · 21/06/2023 21:15

They didn’t get back together the last time they went, so why should they now?