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Original poster

DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

188 replies

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:33

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 21/06/2023 21:59

Branleuse · 21/06/2023 18:48

I wouldnt stop him from going, but id think it all sounds very cosy and entwined. You cannot win here tbh. If you say no, youll feel rubbish and if you say yes youll feel rubbish. The fact hes asked if he can go with his ex wife but without you, would make me just end the relationship while i still had my dignity

It’s common advice here that you should not introduce your children to new partners for a while so there’s no way he can invite her when his kids are not aware of her….

Ginger1982 · 21/06/2023 22:08

How weird that in two years there's been no opportunity to meet the ex on neutral ground with no kids...

Crazycrazylady · 21/06/2023 22:10

rwalker · 21/06/2023 20:59

Let him go and be ok with it

tbh if you have to put restrictions on people to stop them straying your on a hiding to nothing

I agree with this. If the only reason he's not cheating is because you keep him on a short lease then what's the point anyway.
I think he sounds like a good Dad by the way who puts his kids above all else.

ConstanceAlways · 21/06/2023 22:13

I never comment on threads. I fully admit I haven't read the whole thread. But this is not normal at all. Poor you.

carly2803 · 21/06/2023 22:13

he needs to move on. He is hanging on to his old life.

He does not need to go on holiday with his kids like this and his x.

I would not be happy about this - be fine if he wasnt seeing you

also why after 14 months have you not met his kids?

Youknowaboutthepaint · 21/06/2023 22:14

Never mind OP's relationship, surely this is warped for the children. Parents split up c. 2 years go, still going on holiday together and still doing all the things they used to, everyone having a good time, they're going to think/hope/believe they'll get back together.

MumblesParty · 21/06/2023 22:42

It wouldn’t bother me at all. If they wanted to be together they wouldn’t have got divorced.

And as for the kids not knowing about you - well it’s always said on here that new partners shouldn’t be introduced for at least a year, so he’s not done anything wrong there either.
Assuming you’re still together next Easter you’ll be a more established couple anyway.

Guavafish1 · 21/06/2023 22:43

Sounds too complicated already.

I would end it ... shouldn't this difficult

InSpainTheRain · 21/06/2023 22:46

I wouldn't be ok with this, I'd have the same concerns as the OP. He's really going in holiday for either his ex or his mates - if he wanted to take the kids away by himself he could easily do so -t it doesn't have to be with friends or his ex.

Ilovetea42 · 21/06/2023 22:54

I'd let him go, it sounds like he wants to be there more for consistency and memories with his kids and tbh the fact he can be civil with his ex would be a good sign in my book that he puts his kids needs first and can be respectful. If he's going to cheat on you then it's going to happen one way or another sometimes you need to take a leap of faith and trust him and then cross that bridge if it ever comes to it. I also think if his ex is someone you will need to deal with in future if you're serious about him, then saying you won't let him go will probably make her less likely to trust you. If I was getting on well with my ex and able to co parent our kids effectively and someone new came in and began interrupting that (from her perspective) then I'd be really skeptical if they'd be the best step parent for my kids. So I think you let him go and be OK with it and I'd try to get meeting her and put your best foot forward. Hopefully you'll be able to show that neither of you are a threat to the other and can get on civilly as well.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/06/2023 22:55

I don’t think the problem is that his ex is there and they will get back together , as they are divorced for a reason

but I’d say you have a very fresh divorce here and someone who maybe hasn’t moved on and figured out his new single life

does the rest of the relationship work ?
do you have kids ?

and that’s a shite parenting plan rule
send her a DBS test instead - fuck that

toomanyleggings · 21/06/2023 22:56

He would be dumped for even asking.

Ilovetea42 · 21/06/2023 22:58

Youknowaboutthepaint · 21/06/2023 22:14

Never mind OP's relationship, surely this is warped for the children. Parents split up c. 2 years go, still going on holiday together and still doing all the things they used to, everyone having a good time, they're going to think/hope/believe they'll get back together.

My bil and his ex do this, she's always come on big family days out with our extended family and now her new fiancée and their wee baby come too and bil has his new partner and new baby there. I think it's great that his dd gets to see her parents getting on and being friends even when they're not together and I think it shows that they love and put her first. Much better than two exes who can't be in the same room and hating each other with the kid stuck in the middle (unless there's been abuse etc and they can't safely be in the same room obviously).

Quitelikeit · 21/06/2023 23:00

Why did they split up?

Either way I’d absolutely hate this! God knows what else they do together.

A no from me

firsttimemum1230 · 21/06/2023 23:01

I can’t even let my partner/child’s dad go on a day out with his ex and their kid with it thinking it’s terribly rude and disrespectful

firsttimemum1230 · 21/06/2023 23:03

On me and my child and there’s no way I stand for it. This is incredibly off and I wouldn’t be able to settle the whole weekend until he was home so no I wouldn’t be ok with him going. Things change when new relationships form new boundaries new ways new everything snd this should be one of them. Why can’t you go too if you get along with the mother of his children

Youknowaboutthepaint · 21/06/2023 23:13

Ilovetea42 · 21/06/2023 22:58

My bil and his ex do this, she's always come on big family days out with our extended family and now her new fiancée and their wee baby come too and bil has his new partner and new baby there. I think it's great that his dd gets to see her parents getting on and being friends even when they're not together and I think it shows that they love and put her first. Much better than two exes who can't be in the same room and hating each other with the kid stuck in the middle (unless there's been abuse etc and they can't safely be in the same room obviously).

Show quote history

Entirely different if the new partner's coming too.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 21/06/2023 23:22

I wouldn't have a problem with this. He's there with his kids and why should he have to miss out on a holiday with his kids and friends.

I would prefer a partner to have an amicable relationship with the mother of his kids than adversarial one.

If he's going to cheat, he'll cheat - thr holiday won't change that & if you can't trust him then ye shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.

Thst said, I wouldn't be happy that his ex and kids don't know about you after this long. I would be prioritising this. If it really is over and amicable, there should be no issue with you joining them next year.

Hawkins0001 · 21/06/2023 23:24

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:59

I did actually this evening say I was afraid they'd have a good time and remember how good it used to be and want to get back together.........

His reply was 'I'd have to remember a very very very long time ago'

At least that seems a positive for you op

sandyhappypeople · 21/06/2023 23:35

I find it very odd that he's not arranged for you to meet the ex so he can introduce you to the children, over a year is more than enough time surely, have you ever questioned that at all?

MysteryBelle · 21/06/2023 23:36

I don’t understand why people willingly get involved in messy relationships like this plus with children and an ex, then going on vacation with them. Why? This is not worth worrying about. Drop him and look for a single guy with no baggage. This one can’t be that special. I don’t get it. If you stay with him you’ll have to continually deal with stuff like this, you would need to bond with the stepchildren which could be lovely or could be tricky. And the mother and you would have to deal with each other…it would exhaust me. No.

StarDolphins · 21/06/2023 23:41

Youknowaboutthepaint · 21/06/2023 22:14

Never mind OP's relationship, surely this is warped for the children. Parents split up c. 2 years go, still going on holiday together and still doing all the things they used to, everyone having a good time, they're going to think/hope/believe they'll get back together.

I agree with this. I tried this (not hols, just meals/Xmas breakfasts) & as lovely as it is at the time (not for me!) it just causes confusion & upset. My DD was far worse after these visits. When we split I thought it was a good idea but in reality not so much.

SarahDippity · 21/06/2023 23:55

There are things my exh and I do together on good(ish) terms; they are only child-centred, and they exclude new partners. They might include mutual friends of old with whom the children have relationships. They are focused on the core family unit, and adding a ‘new’ partner just doesn’t happen. Each of us is secure in our own boundaries. There is zero prospect of anything more than a cordial gathering. In fact, I’d suggest there is safety in numbers, with others around.

Also, speaking as someone in a relationship of 16 months, in no particular rush, I see no need to add my own partner to this dynamic. I’ve a family gathering coming up which I don’t think I will include my partner in, which he is in agreement with. Maybe it’s because I am older, but time passes so quickly and I am more patient that it doesn’t seem urgent to assert him into an established environment.

I didn’t always feel like this, but when boundaries with exes are secure (eg divorce) the risk to the new relationship is low. IMHO.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/06/2023 00:22

I do think it's a shame that one part of a couple tends to lose friendships when they divorce. I can see why he doesn't want to do that. I think the way I would look at it is that these people will never be your friends. Their loyalty will always be to his ex. For that reason I wouldn't be interested in going myself.

He is giving the children very mixed messages by not telling them about you and by going on holiday with the family. They will all have a great time and it's fairly likely that the children and some of the other couples at least will wish that he was still part of the family group. I wouldn't want a boyfriend who was in that situation.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/06/2023 00:23

The friends they allegedly slept with on the last holiday must be very good friends because I don't know anybody who would sleep in a bedroom with someone who wasn't their partner on a holiday like that.

Why did they split up? Who instigated it?

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