DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

[Blushingm]

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

I wouldn't be happy with this. Have you talked about the future? Meeting the kids etc?

It’s odd and inappropriate. When you split up, you split up. You don’t carry on doing all the couple/family things you used to do together.

He must be a really wonderful partner for you to be tolerating all this bullshit.

He wants to go on a cosy couples holiday with his ex and DC.
His ex has to meet you before you're introduced to the DC - what if she doesn't like you? Or refuses to meet you?
He's been with you for over a year and still hasn't told his kids you exist?

This is a sea of red bunting to me. Run!

I'd be fine with it.

He divorced his wife - not his kids or his friends.

And people can remain good friends even after divorce. You don't have to love or hate each other. You can like each other and not want to be married.

Although that doesn't seem to be the case here so I'd be less worried

In your shoes, I would just crack on with meeting his ex including going to her house, if necessary. What’s she actually going to do that makes you need a neutral place? Do you think she’s going to beat you up or poison your tea? Just get her met and then you can crack on with meeting the DCs.

As to the holiday, if you trust your DP, then let him go. You going on the holiday would probably be very uncomfortable for his ex and since these are her friends and she’s the one who’s alone, I think it’s fair enough that she gets to have this holiday without that discomfort. You can then review the position after the next holiday.

I think this.

I can understand completely how this holiday appeals to him.

But I really don't see the appeal to the OP in this set up.

I would have too much esteem to be someone's little woman in the background, excluded from his circle after 14 months.

It's a no from me.

Hmm I would leave.. sounds like a life of drama. Over a year together and at 2 year point he's having a holiday with ex wife.. the friends have graciously helped so they are in separate rooms? Were they planning on sharing initially? She has to meet you like some kind of job interview before you can progress? Bloody hell OP you are just as valid as the next human.. perhaps bring a list of interview questions for her? What a weird set up. Ive met my partners Ex but it was a mutual agreement, not dictated in a document! If it's this weird now, how the hell will it be going forward with the children?

Thanks everyone I'll try & answer sone questions

I've met his friends - we've been out for meals etc so they do know about me

The exw knows about me too

Their relationship was dead for a long time. Stayed for kids but got worse (he ended up suicidal at one point). He instigated split. Talking last night he as they were sorting inset days/childcare he said they'd have zero contact if it wasn't for the fact they have kids together, he'd be happy never to see her again

His children are everything to him - I've known that from when we first met. They are his number 1 priority and always will be.

@Blushingm If that’s the case, why can’t he start slowly introducing you to his children to build up to YOU and him going away with his kids and his friends? He can make his children a priority, and have a friendly relationship with his ex wife for the kids but it doesn’t mean he has to go for weekends away with her. He is clinging onto part of his previous life as a couple with her, even if not romantically, rather than trying to move forward with you. Also, if I had split up with my husband and knew he had a long term partner I just wouldn’t even think about asking him to come away with us on his own. He clearly wants to go and you shouldn’t stop him, but I would be saying this set up isn’t for me and leave them to it.

I would find it a little hard to believe that another couple slept separately in order to accommodate your DP and his ex. Can you be absolutely sure they didn't share a room?

If his relationship with his ex wife was so toxic why on earth would he consider going on holiday with her. It doesn’t add up.

It’s great they can stay friendly for the sake of the children. But no, I definitely wouldn’t be okay with them going on holiday together at this point in your relationship. Also great that he hasn’t rushed in to you meeting them. But it sounds as though it’s time for you to be introduced, work up a relationship with them, so you can begin going on holidays with them, and not him with his ex.

He needs to grow up and realise that his life has changed and he was instrumental in that. Divorce does bring changes .After 14 months his children should know about you. He is being a big baby wanting his cake and eating it too. When you stop paying the membership fees you don't get to partake in the faculties. Do you want years of this? Men will take the easy way out if allowed.

It would be a flat no from me. They are separated and it’s over, the kids are now old enough to recognise this and move on from it. How would he feel if you holidayed with your ex? I would ask him that and tell him that is his answer.

He'd have nothing to do with her but wants a holiday with her? Group holidays can be tricky enough without with someone you can't stand. Add to that another couple are apparently prepared to sleep separately for the duration?

They can be amicable for the children without going on holiday together. In fact that is harmful for the children IMO giving them false hope that things are just like they used to be and can be again, especially if they don't know about you.

Even if he has moved on from ex, he hasn't moved on from his old life. I'd walk away for now and let him do that.

Sounds like they both still want the good bits of their relationship but without actually living together. Neither of them are truly going to move on while they are doing this. It also sends mixed and confusing messages to the kids - are they separated or not? I've always had an amicable relationship with my ex (my eldest DS father) and when he was small I would sometimes go along on his family holidays with him but once he got to 8/9 and both his Dad and I had new partners it came to a natural end.
I wouldn't be happy with what you describe and it doesn't sound like you are if you are asking on here. You can have a perfectly functional and amicable relationship with an ex and continue to provide a good stable family life without going on holiday with your ex. The kids will even think it's a bit odd in a couple of years time.

My ex did this. We’d split up and he organised a Center Parcs trip with his family and his ex was going. We got back together after a couple of months and he asked if I wanted him to tell her she couldn’t come. Obviously I couldn’t do that to the kids, so I had to suck it up and know that they were all away for a long weekend playing happy families.

He lied about how long they were away and then gaslighted me about it, saying that everyone knows a CP weekend is Friday to Monday so him saying the kids weren’t missing any school was obviously just to make me feel better about it and I should have known they’d be there Friday morning until Monday evening! I spent the whole time feeling wretched and honestly wished we’d never agreed to get back together! We had spent Xmas and birthdays together with the exes and that was fine, but tbh a holiday is a bit much for me. And his family all knew about me. If they hadn’t known about me I would have felt like a dirty secret/affair partner and would have ended it I think. That’s the more pressing thing. His friends need to know this isn’t business as usual, because he has you at home, a very understanding and reasonable partner who values his role as a father but expects him to respect you while he’s away.

And I may be going away with my ex next year as our DC have a dream of visiting a country on the other side of the world and XH has the money to go it but may struggle with it on his own, especially is it’s a quite traditional country and one of DCs is a girl, so I think he’d feel more comfortable with me there too. We still get on well but absolutely do not fancy each other. If I’m still seeing my current man at that point I will make sure he’s well known to the DCs and my ex by that point - he’d even be welcome to come too if he wanted to. It’s the secretive nature of it all that’s the problem here op.

you've been together over a year, and not met his dc??

are you ever going to meet them?

I've just read that back. He told you he was suicidal as a justification for leaving the wife and DC he would have otherwise stayed with "for the sake of the children"?

Then 8 months later he was with you?

Yes, he got involved with you far too soon. He has many issues to resolve before he can have a proper relationship with you. Leave him to it.

My parents would still holiday as a family even though they had separated and had other partners, because that’s what we always did once a year as a large group.

it’s good for the kids to know they still have a family unit!

Yes, but your parents' new partners clearly weren't kept secret from the children

how do you see things working out with him in the long term @Blushingm ? Because he already divorced and yet

you’ve not met his ex so you can’t meet the kids . You don’t even know if his ex actually knows you exist, you are onoy going on what he has told you.

you’ve only met his male friends as apparently His female friends all know his ex ( like their partners don’t ? )

i assume you’ve not met his family

he goes on holiday with his ex and shared a bedroom ( no of course another couple didn’t give up sharing a room on holiday for him )

Are you happy to just be a casual relationship on the side of his life ? To never spend holidays or Christmas with him because “ his kids are his world “? To never live together because “ it would be too hard on the kids “?

If so then crack on.

I assume you are a lot older than him / don’t ever want kids / have kids of your own. Because obviously that’s never going to happen with this man.

I agree totally. I had a situation where my ex didn't tell his much older children about me. It's an easy way out for men, no confrontation or difficult conversations.
Part of a divorce is saying goodbye to a former life style. Yes, he may really enjoy this time with his children but it's an easy cop out, he should be thinking of other ways to have a good time with them.
Also, how are the children going to understand their parents aren't together?
Personally, I think this will grate and hurt you, I think after this amount of time he shouldn't be going. You won't be able to tell him not to go, but he is trying to get your blessing knowing that you honestly can't be comfortable with this.
I think it's really inconsiderate of him and he should see that.