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Relationships

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Original poster

DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

188 replies

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 18:33

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

OP posts:

Bambooflowers · 22/06/2023 15:12

coffeedrinkers · 22/06/2023 14:58

It really doesn't matter what other people think, what do you think?
Are you happy with the idea of being at home every summer holiday while he goes on holiday with his ex wife and kids?
Decide your boundaries and stick with them, I'm sure they'll be people who are fine with this sort of set up, I wouldn't be but it's up to you.

its Easter, she’s never said they can’t have summer holidays.

Original poster

Blushingm · 22/06/2023 15:15

@Bambooflowers yes it's Friday to Monday the week before Easter

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/06/2023 15:33

@Blushingm you mention you wouldn’t really want to go as you would feel an outsider but do you not think this feeling stems from your partner here? By him continuing planning family holidays excluding you and the kids not even knowing about you this far into your relationship, do you not think you are going to feel this way for sometime?

Original poster

Blushingm · 22/06/2023 15:40

@Shapemyeyebrows you have a point - the longer they don't know about me the longer I'll feel excluded

I think I might suggest at least telling them he's seeing someone sooner rather than later. There's always the risk too that their friends may overhear their parents speaking and tell them (the kids are all similar ages and in the same schools so hang out too).

OP posts:

sunshineandstormclouds · 22/06/2023 15:48

It would be a no for me. It's hard but part of getting a divorce is creating a different life and you can't cherry pick like that it's very unfair on a new partner. I would be honest that I didn't want him to go and see what happens.

Shapemyeyebrows · 22/06/2023 15:49

@Blushingm I would probably park the going away issue for a few months and just see if things progress with him telling his kids about you etc. If he doesn’t do that soon or have a plan for them to slowly meet you, I think that tells you a lot. I have a male friend at work who is doing this exact same thing, he’s been seeing someone for nearly a year, hasn’t told his kids about her and we keep saying he needs to as what if they hear it elsewhere. But he says he’s not sure he sees a future with this woman yet and the kids still hope the mum and dad get back together so he doesn’t want to upset them unnecessarily. Not saying that’s the case here but I do find it strange they don’t even know about you after all this time if he was really serious about you.

SamTG · 22/06/2023 16:07

I think he really should be introducing you to the ExW and then the kids at this stage. It’s been long enough and they’re not tiny kids.

MzHz · 22/06/2023 16:38

Blushingm · 21/06/2023 19:03

@Duckingella they don't know as in their divorce agreement it states that before the children are aware of the new partner then the ex needs to meet them first (so if she had someone new then he'd have to to meet them before the kids know and vice versa). It sounds odd but I have actually read it

Right, so you have been together over a year and she still has yet to VET you?

Fuck that shit, fuck her and fuck him.

Nobody needs to meet anyone before you move on with your life. it's a parenting plan, but she is using this to keep you in the shadows hoping you will get tired and fuck off.

It isnt appropriate that he keeps up this charade.

You have a DP problem.

I have to say that the fact that they go to the same place every. single. year. with the same people would give me the Icks. How small a world he lives in. When will he start making plans of his own, new experiences for his kids and for his partner?

sandyhappypeople · 22/06/2023 16:44

There's no feasible reason why the children haven't been told about you yet, even if he doesn't feel comfortable introducing you, he should have at least told them you're in his life.

I think you not wanting to be 'that' step parent that doesn't demand anything of your partner when it comes to his kids is very honourable and very right but how long should that have to continue? If this was me I'd want to know exactly why this hasn't happened yet, are they pretending they're still together for the kids in some way? Does he not see you as long term material? 'Not got round to it' is bullshit, he needs to be honest with you as to why, it's not fair on you at all!

I'm amazed that he thinks you feel secure enough in the relationship to go along with this, he's got a nerve even asking IMO.

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/06/2023 19:59

warblingwater · 22/06/2023 13:06

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing).

Call me a jaded old cynic but falling for this is your first mistake.
Who in their right minds goes on holiday and happily gives up the room with their spouse to accommodate a recently separated pair of friends?! No chance. If anything, your guy should've been sleeping on the sofa or something. I just can't believe that this is true.

That's what I thought.

One of the nice things about going on holiday is to have lie ins with your DH and decent sex when you're not knackered and running around getting ready for work or kids to school/bed.

Original poster

Blushingm · 22/06/2023 20:05

Not when you're sharing a cabin with another couple plus 5 kids though? All of who will want to eat and then get to the water park etc

OP posts:

Wenfy · 22/06/2023 20:07

He can’t have his cake and eat it. He left his wife so he can’t conveniently join in on holidays like this whenever he feels like it. His ex has probably only invited him because she hasn’t got / isn’t bringing her DP. The minute she gets one he’ll be uninvited.

Bambooflowers · 22/06/2023 20:25

Wenfy · 22/06/2023 20:07

Why can’t he? And she didn’t invite him it’s a group thing, he’s allowed to go away with his friends.

Lifescary · 23/06/2023 06:42

Blushingm · 22/06/2023 12:54

@Nanna50 I met his friends because his friends said they wanted to meet me - he'd told them he'd been seeing someone a while and it was going well so they said bring her with you when we next meet up.

Are a lot of his friends women?

It is very unusual for men to want to meet their friends' new girlfriends/partners. They're normally not interested.

Original poster

Blushingm · 23/06/2023 07:18

@Lifescary not they were all men

I've met his work friends too and we went away with his friends from a hobby he has too

OP posts:

Nanna50 · 23/06/2023 07:35

Has he met your friends, if you haven't met his friends wives & girlfriends in over a year who do you socialise with?

I know time can pass us by but the ex could just prolong your meeting and although its an agreement its not legally binding but its very controlling. What if she doesn't like you does she get to veto you?

I mentioned the girl I worked with who holidayed with her ex and friends while her DP stayed at home. However they co parented much better than your DP appears to, they were very fluid.

Seems like your DP is compartmentalising his life and this holiday is just one example.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/06/2023 07:43

I certainly wouldn't be ok with this and you shouldn't be too. He can't have it all ways. He can take his children away himself if he wants. Also I note you said that he puts his children first always... you do know that your wants and needs matter just as much in a partnership dont you? If he isn't prepared to put you first at times (which is absolutely fair enough that he wants to prioritise his children!) then he shouldn't be dating. At all. Don't ever make yourself smaller to please a man. If I were you, I would be telling him that I wouldn't be happy with this and I would be prepared to walk away. No way would I be willing to have that knot in my stomach for anyone.
Want more for yourself, state what YOUR boundaries are. If you are not willing to do that for fear of losing him then im afraid you are just going to have to get on with it and do so with grace because you will be showing him that you will tolerate not being thought of. Not a healthy dynamic at all.

Livelifelaughter · 23/06/2023 07:48

I just don't honestly think this is really about the children, unless he is playing mummy and daddy with his ex wife then what do they get ? Some men I know can be a bit challenged with their young children, they want to spend time with them but actually it's easier to take them out in a group event. But he's divorced and he needs to make a life style shift and he also needs to think about what bothers you. Just as a gesture can't he go for a shorter time period? I don't think he should go at all. I think you're trying to be "cool" about a situation that would really sting anyone.

Iammetoday · 23/06/2023 07:53

You've only been together a few months abd not even met ex w or kids so honestly let him go on holiday, then see if you 2 are serious or not. At moment it sounds not.

Lifescary · 23/06/2023 09:04

Blushingm · 23/06/2023 07:18

@Lifescary not they were all men

I've met his work friends too and we went away with his friends from a hobby he has too

Well I think that is a good sign. He clearly isn't trying to hide you away. He is just having to negotiate being a good dad, perhaps with an ex who is a bit demanding. It would be the easiest thing in the world to force a row with the ex or to let down the kids, but that would be a shame.

aSofaNearYou · 23/06/2023 09:15

Tbh this is the sort of thing I would expect him to be prepared to give up if he wants a new relationship. He can't have everything and continue everything as it was, he will have to make sacrifices in order to be fair to his partner.

If you were welcome to go I would think differently but otherwise, I think he needs to let go of how much fun they used to have and make new traditions.

Livelifelaughter · 23/06/2023 09:24

Iammetoday · 23/06/2023 07:53

You've only been together a few months abd not even met ex w or kids so honestly let him go on holiday, then see if you 2 are serious or not. At moment it sounds not.

It's over a year ...

rookiemere · 23/06/2023 09:26

Apart from anything else, I would imagine it would be confusing and give false hope to the DCs to see their DPs holidaying together, particularly as last time the relationship was fraught.

Livelifelaughter · 23/06/2023 09:28

Sounds also like FOMO...I agree with the pp who say he needs to accept that in a divorce things change. You're feelings are important too, I speak from experience, it's very easy where children are involved with a partner to confuse the children being put first and managing a relationship with the children.

Lifescary · 23/06/2023 09:55

The last four posts are why so many women fall out with their mothers-in-law. Too many people have to be in charge, making demands, bossing people about, inventing reasons why they have to have what they want.

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