DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

[Blushingm]

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

I suppose it depends whether a person gets divorced with the hope of having a committed relationship in the future or keeping their ex mother in-law happy.

Eh?

Nobody's talking about bossing him around, but everybody has to make changes to their pre-relationship life if they want to be in one, and prioritising their comfort is one of them. You don't have to just put up with anything and everything from your partner because they are their own person and you shouldn't boss them around. It's ok to have things you would not be ok with.

I actually don't agree that you should change your life just because you have a partner. Yes, to a certain degree, especially if you live together. But I always took the view that a partner would fit into and around my existing life and existing priorities. I don't have kids or an ex who I need to co-parent with, but that certainly included long-standing commitments in my existing social group.

Some people are happy to ditch their friends once they get a partner but I don't think much of them as friends!

Ideally of course you and your partner fit into/around each other's lives naturally without any suspicion of ulterior motives or strange power plays (which is what DP and I did).

The main problem OP has is that she's only been semi-integrated into her partner's life so she doesn't know where she stands.

Definite no no for me. This just smacks of them being co-dependent/too close.

@gannett I think most people expect their partners to change things when in a relationship, for example, most expect them to stop sleeping with other people. Opinions will differ on things that are considered less of a problem than that, but I don't think it's unusual to also expect them to stop holidaying with their ex.

@aSofaNearYou "sleeping with other people" is a pretty basic thing to change, yes. "Holidaying with an ex" isn't, because it depends so much on the context. Not all holidays are the same, not all exes are the same. A romantic break with just your ex and no one is one thing. A group of friends with a 15-year tradition getting together is another. As you get older these once-a-year get-togethers are incredibly important in preserving old friendships. It sounds like the ex is the least important aspect of it for him.

That's why I said opinions will differ on things considered lesser than sleeping with other people, and indeed some people claim they wouldn't even be bothered by that! But it seems to some on here, objecting to anything less than them sleeping with other people is controlling. I don't think that is true, and I don't think this is an outlandish thing to find inappropriate and uncomfortable.

Yes he wants to keep these friendships as they were, but he also wants a relationship and, due to his life choices, might have to make sacrifices somewhere. It's not like he couldn't make the effort to continue the friendships at a different time and place. Or even make the effort to integrate OP into this group.

I guess I think the things you need to change once your in a relationship are things that negatively impact your partner. And I don't think holidays like this do. At least, DP and I have both holidayed with groups of friends separately from each other (mine even included an ex) and neither of us felt negatively impacted.

Absolutely agree he should be making more of an effort to integrate her though (which is what happened for DP and I). That needs to start right now.

Really?! Maybe in your experience

As a co-parent I don’t find this odd. A divorce doesn’t have to mean an antagonistic relationship with the ex. I get on really well with mine and would happily do this. I’ve no desire to get back with him and never would. But if he did then so what….it wasn’t the relationship for you then.

@gannett Yes but it effecting her negatively is subjective, isn't it. There doesn't need to be a physical negative impact - there isn't with cheating either, there is just the fact that it bothers her emotionally. I think the difference for some people is that it wouldn't bother THEM, but that doesn't mean that objectively it's controlling if it does bother other people.

I totally get where you're at OP. I think some of the posters that say they would be a-ok with it aren't taking into consideration of how they'd feel if they were on the receiving end in this situation.

If anyone is a-ok with being kept a hidden secret from their partners inner circle and expected to wish partner a great time on their way to play happy families with their ex, then crack on. I've been put in this situation before myself and I know how dreadful a feeling being kept a secret is. It can be really crushing to your self esteem! And being kept a secret is the biggest problem in this whole scenario.

When you divorce, you need to make new traditions. New holiday's with the kids, friends and new partners. Otherwise, what the hell is the point of getting divorced in the first place? You can't have it both ways.

I wouldn't feel comfortable about this either-