DP going away next year with exw, all their couple friends plus kids

[Blushingm]

They've been doing it for years. DP said in some ways he does want to go as he wants to spend time with his kids plus friends and their kids all together. His DC are 10 & 13 - they've always done it every year pretty much.

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing). During the days he was in the pools etc with the kids and his mates and in the evenings he'd play cards/games consoles etc

All the couples have booked for next Easter and his exw has asked if he wants to come along too.

He's asked me what I think/feel. I know he wants to go as he's always had a good time as have his kids but I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

I've no substance for this feeling but I can't help it. I've said it's ok if he wants to go though

Talking last night he as they were sorting inset days/childcare he said they'd have zero contact if it wasn't for the fact they have kids together, he'd be happy never to see her again

Ummmm, but yet hes going to go on holiday with her and all their couple friends? Thats very contradicting.

I understand he wants to holiday with the kids, but seriously, they have split up. Part of that is no longer having the privilege of going away on cozy family holidays together.

You say you've met his friends but not their wives. But their wives know about you? In what context? Do they know you are a serious partner or just 'someone hes seeing'.

There are very vague boundaries there it seems. I would not be happy with this at all, especially as the dc are old enough to understand why dad isn't coming on the trip and he can take them away on a seperate holiday. Preferably with you when he eventually decides to introduce you to them!

Saying its to spend time with the DC (which he can anytime I imagine?) and with his friends (which he also spends time with anyway by what you've written) and he doesn't actually want to see his ex wife again anyway does not at all tie in with his actions of going on her holiday!

He may not be having the entire cake and eating it, but hes certainly licking the plate.

I can't stop thinking they'll both have a good time and want to try again.

Well from your updates this seems like the one thing you don't have to worry about. Their relationship has been dead for donkey's years and if anything these holidays reaffirm to them that it's best that way.

Exes are probably the least threatening people to a new relationship imo. There's a reason they're not together any more!

I don't see any objection to this holiday per se BUT firstly, I'd hope that you're also going to get to have a nice holiday with him; and secondly, it really is time to meet his ex and kids, I'm not sure who's delaying this or why but they need to stop it.

I think the end goal is that you meet the ex and get on with her sufficiently that eventually, you also go on these holidays. They sound very pleasant. I'm not a fan of making someone stop something they've been enjoying for 15 years.

@Bookworm20 He may not be having the entire cake and eating it, but hes certainly licking the plate.

My ex and I very occasionally do this sort of thing. We're both single atm, but there is literally no chance of us ever getting back together. I honestly wouldn't worry. If he is a decent guy and is actively co-parenting with his ex then he will be in constant contact as kid related things come up all the time, this is only one trip.

Red flags all over the place, is he really worth it?

I don't think that's odd, before I met my stepdaughter for the first time I met her mum for a coffee, same with my now husband and his ex wife's partner. It's understandable the other parent wanting to know who is going to be around their children but why isn't that happening, is she refusing to meet you or does he not want you to meet the children yet?

I hope things do work out with him - I love him. He says he loves me

The exw does know about me as I've heard her mention me on the phone

The only family he has is his dad - they're not on good terms atm. His dad lent a LOT of money so they could buy a big house which he didn't get back when they divorced. His dad felt DP should have pushed harder to get some of it back

And yes I have DC. They're 17 & 21 so older than his. I've been separated (not divorced) for 7 years

I understand he wants to holiday with the kids, but seriously, they have split up. Part of that is no longer having the privilege of going away on cozy family holidays together.

It sounds like a friendship group holiday, not a cosy family holiday which would just be him, her and the kids. But more importantly the only people who decide whether he has the.... "privilege"..... of going on these holidays are the people he'd be going with. And they're fine with it.

It's an integral and enjoyable part of his life that maintains his relationship with both his kids and his friends. There's no evidence to suggest he and his ex have the slightest desire to get back together. So I'm not sure why he'd have to put a stop to doing it.

@Blushingm Remember that this is taking place in another years time, so can you imagine being with someone for 2 years and then waving off your partner to go on a jolly with his ex wife that your not invited to. It just seems so disrespectful. To me, that’s not helping with the kids situation either, you need to be working towards them meeting you slowly, not casting you aside and working towards a family holiday in a years time without you. It sounds like you are going to tolerate this because you don’t want to rock the boat but I think this is only going to get worse if you do.

How have you been out for meals and met his friends but not their wives?

Having said that I did work with a woman who went camping with her ExDH and DC every year. It was same set up, in that it was a large group of friends who had this group holiday every year and she said it was a great holiday that they all enjoyed. She didn’t think it was strange she said it was just part of their co parenting. Her new DP never went even though he lived with her and DC.

@Nanna50 I met his friends because his friends said they wanted to meet me - he'd told them he'd been seeing someone a while and it was going well so they said bring her with you when we next meet up.

Actually I have divorced friends who do this, basically because both wish to maintain the friendship group, neither wishes to give custody of the group to the other and neither wishes to miss out.

if they are anything like my friends, they are civil to one another at best, and don’t actually spend time together one on one, and it’s always a group activity.

both have new partners, serious ones, one couple even live together, but they are not at the stage of inviting them too. They will get there, but right now it’s just too awkward. So we all still stick to the old habit.

id not classify it as them going away with their ex’s. More going away with friends and kids and the ex happens to be coming too.

unless you think they are hankering to get back together, I’d have no issue with this.

It would be a no from me, on the basis that saying yes has future trouble written all over it.

Say he goes, sleeps in a separate room and everyone has a lovely time. He's now starting the tradition of "Dad going along even though Mum and Dad are divorced".

Two issues with this:
Does he want to go on holiday every year with his ex wife?

What happens when (if?) he gets round to telling his kids about you, and then decides he's not going to join the holiday in the future? Do you get classed as the bad guy because Dad has a new GF and therefore it must be your fault that he's not going to go on holiday with Mum anymore.

Even if he did invite you, would you want to go? I'm not sure I'd enjoy a holiday with an ex-wife and all of her friends, as the outsider and new joiner to the group. It's not even as if she has a new partner to balance things out.

So it’s not a regular set up for you to socialise with his friends? Seems like it’s a separate part of his life. I think friendship groups often change after divorce, maybe he’s moved on from the Ex but not the friendships.

How do they usually co parent and what are the real obstacles that have prevented you meeting his Ex in a neutral place?

Last time him and exw were on the midst of divorce and he shared a room with one of his male friends and she shared with his wife (think country cabin type thing).

Call me a jaded old cynic but falling for this is your first mistake.
Who in their right minds goes on holiday and happily gives up the room with their spouse to accommodate a recently separated pair of friends?! No chance. If anything, your guy should've been sleeping on the sofa or something. I just can't believe that this is true.

@Nanna50 co-parenting they tolerate one another. They go to school concerts etc together but other than that only communicate over essentials such as logistics/childcare/appointments

Him & his friends go months without meeting up as they've all got kids and jobs etc so it's not a regular standing arrangement

Doesn't that make it even worse? Basically the friendship group's so important to them all that no one CBA to even meet up unless the women someone else organises it all.

Its impossible to say without knowing him OP. I know people who do this sort of thing because they're both lovely people who don't want to be a couple, but can still be great friends and co parents, and the children benefit hugely.
Equally there may be people who do this as a way of hanging onto or getting back with their ex. Either scenario could be the case here, or anything in between. We can't possibly know. You know him best, what do you think?

@WaterIris I'm
Not sure I'd want to go. These couples have all been friends since they were 18 (now in their 40's) so I'd feel like an outsider

I think this bothers you and are seeking assurance that it shouldn't bother you. But I think feeling uncomfortable about this situation is natural.

I wouldn’t be too happy with this to be honest. There is no need for it. A consequence of splitting up I’m afraid.

She goes this year, he goes next year. They can't carry on a couples tradition when they are no longer a couple. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It really doesn't matter what other people think, what do you think?
Are you happy with the idea of being at home every summer holiday while he goes on holiday with his ex wife and kids?
Decide your boundaries and stick with them, I'm sure they'll be people who are fine with this sort of set up, I wouldn't be but it's up to you.

I understand and would also feel the same. With that in mind I think @Sparkletastic has a very good point - as a divorced couple surely it's time to make new arrangements?