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Original poster

Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

235 replies

Emmyjas · 15/06/2023 05:48

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

  • He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.
  • Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.
  • He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)
  • He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.
  • I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 15/06/2023 05:51

The five negative points all show him exerting control over people. Think about that.

weemouse · 15/06/2023 05:55

These positives don't negate these worrying negatives. Agression, possessive and controlling will only get worse.

Leave now while you've got the chance.

I think this has run its course.

He's showing you exactly who he is, believe him.

orangegato · 15/06/2023 05:58

Narp he ain’t the one. Tell him about these flaws and that they’re making you hesitant about giving your life to him.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he’s angry and defensive and insistent that he isn’t the problem then he’s answered your question.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 15/06/2023 06:01

I agree with PPs, he's not the one. And I'd wager he will get worse after you're married.

An angry, tetchy man makes a terrible father.

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 06:02

I agree with the others. He acknowledges he has a 'temper' but hasn't done anything to acknowledge this.

He's rude, unpredictable and aggressive. That's not a man you should marry and certainly not a man you should have children with.

RaspberryMojito · 15/06/2023 06:03

I called my wedding off with three months to go to someone who had no negatives. I just had small niggles about being 100% about him and me. It was awful but 13 years later I haven’t ever regretted making the decision. I’m still single (have had short term relationships) and didn’t have children but I’m so much happier than I would have been knowing deep down I wasn’t totally happy.

You have to be brave and totally honest with yourself.

MariaVT65 · 15/06/2023 06:03

Please don’t marry him because of your age or that you want children.

if he got angry at you for being late to a date, imagine how impatient and angry he will get with toddlers, as they are basically uncontrolable sometimes.

Also please explain to him that your brother was very reasonable. It’s quite common in several lines of work not to be able to get days off for weddings. I used to work in call centre. I often heard of people not being able to get a saturday off for family weddings, and one guy in my team couldn’t get a tuesday off for his OWN wedding.

sevenhusbands · 15/06/2023 06:05

I don’t think he sounds great at all and your doubts sound a lot more than cold feet. Please don’t marry this man just because you feel you’ll never meet anyone else. Could you maybe delay the wedding for a year and explain your doubts to him?

Thesoundofmusic23 · 15/06/2023 06:07

Sadly I agree with pps his flaws show him as a potential coercive controller. They all suggest he will try to separate you from your friends and family slowly but surely over time and except control over you. Marriage is often the first step so please see these flags and leave. This is not the right one and has nothing to do with wedding jitters. Good luck.

StartupRepair · 15/06/2023 06:07

Life together will present all sorts of challenges annoyances, disappointment and griefs as well as all the good stuff. Do you want him by your side as your parents age and die? If you have fertility issues or a DC with special needs? If you have a financial disaster? Will he make you feel better or worse when times are tough?

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 06:08

How long have you been together?

In 2023 you can use a donor and go it alone if you want to have a baby.

Mumdiva99 · 15/06/2023 06:08

How long were you together before getting engaged? If less than a year then yes cancel the wedding. You said yes in the honeymoon phase and have now moved on.
If you have been dating years and years then I would talk to your fiance. These might hist be doubts - as you've known this for a long time but still said yes.

Toddler101 · 15/06/2023 06:10

If you've enough niggles about him to ask a bunch of strangers whether or not you should go ahead and marry him or to call it off, which I'd say is enough to demonstrate that you really aren't in it 100% yourself anyway. Marriage can be incredibly testing.

hattyhathat · 15/06/2023 06:10

All the points you listed far outway the positives apart from maybe this one:

I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else. you are meant to be planning a wedding together and yes I'd be annoyed too. But if he was abusive annoyed that's different.

JorisBonson · 15/06/2023 06:11

I had doubts, went ahead, and ended up leaving him 5 months later. I wish I'd just listened to my gut and broken it off.

StMarysTrainee · 15/06/2023 06:15

He actually sounds pretty unpleasant and I would not want to be married to him…
I’m a fair bit older you, and only found true deep respectful love later in life - I really would say (speaking from my experience of trying to make relationships wirk with men who I didn’t have that connection with) marriage without that deep love is incredibly hard and rather soul-destroying.
Also, aggression is a really clear warning sign…I feel if you stay you are going to be walking on eggshells very soon. Just reading your post I cringe at the thought of how awful you may find life with him, especially if you become vulnerable by having children together.
Please take heed to what your body/brain are trying to tell you - this is not a good man at heart.

2lsinllama · 15/06/2023 06:15

Listening to my inner voice (and to my DF on the morning of the wedding) would have saved me from a costly divorce.

Onelifeonly · 15/06/2023 06:17

Don't marry him! The doubts are valid from what you say and it will be 10 times worse when you are married. If you dont want to break it off entirely yet, tell him the wedding needs to be delayed. But it sounds like he has worrying traits you don't like rather than there is an issue between you that could be solved.

Doingmybest12 · 15/06/2023 06:17

You are the one marrying him and you know how he makes you feel so you should listen to that but no one is perfect and I once heard it said that if you have no doubts or niggles about getting married you haven't been thinking about it seriously enough which I think is true. So in itself to have some worries is ok, just depends what they are and if its something that matters to you or not. If you basically think he is not a nice person , control freak and coercive that's not good.

Redebs · 15/06/2023 06:17

Trust your gut instincts. There are warning signs that this is an angry, controlling man. It will get much worse if you marry him.

Divorce is extremely expensive, financially and emotionally.

Save yourself by walking away now. Be prepared for an angry response and stay safe x

hattyhathat · 15/06/2023 06:17

He doesn't really sound like the sort of person to have kids with tbh

HoisttheMainSail · 15/06/2023 06:18

StartupRepair · 15/06/2023 06:07

Life together will present all sorts of challenges annoyances, disappointment and griefs as well as all the good stuff. Do you want him by your side as your parents age and die? If you have fertility issues or a DC with special needs? If you have a financial disaster? Will he make you feel better or worse when times are tough?

This is very wise.

Tbh this should be when you are head over heels and can’t imagine life without him. It is normal to be nervous, but these are serious doubts.

I know of three marriages that ended in divorce where the parties later admitted that they were not sure.

I also know one who called it off the week before and our friend went onto find the right person.

is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2023 06:19

Your concerns are well founded and these cannot be minimised.

Do not marry this coercive controller. If this is how he is now he will indeed ramp up the power and control further against you once you are married to him (thus in his eyes trapping you). Such men hate women too, all of them. Your relationship with him should be over now.

Read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

Alstoybarn · 15/06/2023 06:19

From experience, RUN

Seddon · 15/06/2023 06:20

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man

There is a huuuuge (i.e. most of the population) gap between 'perfect' and 'treats you and other people like shit'. You really aren't expecting too much to want to be with someone better.