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Original poster

Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

235 replies

Emmyjas · 15/06/2023 05:48

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

  • He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.
  • Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.
  • He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)
  • He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.
  • I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

OP posts:
blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 15/06/2023 08:26

RUN

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/06/2023 08:37

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/06/2023 08:24

Honestly OP, if your hormone clock is ticking… the only thing I can assure you is that giving a dad like this to your child will break your heart and ruin your life: you hurt when the dad hurt them, ten fold, BUT you cannot easily leave without worrying sick about what he is going to do to your child.

A child in common is a link that never gets totally broken.

Exactly. Think of the welfare of the future human being, not just your own wants.

Don't pick a jerk to sire your offspring, out of desperation. It's just so unfair.

LittleMonks11 · 15/06/2023 08:38

Call it off. It's not too late. It sounds like he would probably go beserk at this so make sure you have your people round you. He's not the one. Sounds like a coercive marriage in the making. Trust your gut.

Think about how he'd be as a father to your children...that might help clarify.

You are young and plenty of time to meet someone.

OrangeFlorange · 15/06/2023 08:46

I think he sounds quite controlling and aggressive. I understand wanting to settle down and have children but can you see him being a good husband and father if this is how he treats people when they don't behave the way he thinks they should?

There's no shame in calling off the wedding or even postponing it if that's what you want to do. I called off my wedding many years ago because I just felt that the guy wasn't right for me and I'm so glad that I did. I'm married now to someone else and he's an amazing husband.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you or the people you care about with love and kindness x

ThisIsACoolUserName · 15/06/2023 08:46

Honestly, it's not looking good OP.
You should be over the moon to be marrying your partner, not drawing up pro and con lists at your relatively young age.
My DH obviously has faults, as do I, but I certainly wasn't mulling over them 3 months before our wedding day.

dottiedodah · 15/06/2023 08:48

Listen to your gut feelings here.If he is like this now ,it wont get any better Im afraid! There are enough ladies here to testify to this! Its not 1930 any more, you dont have to marry someone unsuitable you know.

Srin · 15/06/2023 08:48

People like this get married all the time and aren’t necessarily any unhappier than any other married couple. It isn’t about his faults. It is about the fact that you have listed them and think that you may not want to be with him. That is not going to go away when you get married. It will probably get worse.

SquashPenguin · 15/06/2023 08:54

I got married to someone I wanted to believe was right for me. The night before the wedding I didn’t sleep. It wasn’t through excitement, I was seriously nervous and couldn’t stop wondering whether I was doing the right thing. It was too late to not go ahead with it at that point. We broke up within six months and we’re divorced after a year. I WISH I’d had those feelings earlier and acted on them.

Trust your intuition. No one on MN can tell you what to do, we don’t know your partner, but speak to a close friend or relative about this. If you don’t feel marrying him is right for you then you don’t need to go through with it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2023 09:00

We may not know the man but many of us have come across such men in our friends relationships. This man who OP wrote about here is BAD NEWS all round for her. He is not the one and she was targeted by him because he sensed her vulnerabilty and lack of boundaries.

Tellmeimcrazy · 15/06/2023 09:03

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 06:02

I agree with the others. He acknowledges he has a 'temper' but hasn't done anything to acknowledge this.

He's rude, unpredictable and aggressive. That's not a man you should marry and certainly not a man you should have children with.

He isn't unpredictable though. These situations are all hugely predictable.

OP clearly you are uncomfortable with this and think he may not be right for you. In my experience, people don't really change unless they want to, and even then, it's hard work for them. Even if these are things he wants to work on it can take a long time for people to change.

I suggest talking to him and if you do want to wait or cancel I would do it sooner rather than later. It isn't fair on him, you or anyone who takes time and spends money to attend your day.

WildFlowerBees · 15/06/2023 09:03

No sorry I wouldn't be marrying him. How he treats others says an awful lot about his character. Getting annoyed so easily won't get better. Have you talked to him about this? I couldn't be with someone I was on eggshells with if I was late or if I thought he was going to be rude to others whilst out.

Crucible · 15/06/2023 09:09

All reasons given are absolutely reasonable to break off a relationship and very much so for breaking off wedding plans. The longer you dither the worse it will be to all concerned. It's that simple. Trust your gut instincts. Good luck, take a deep breath.

Hollyppp · 15/06/2023 09:20

Tbh the first point about the train times is similar to my husband who has adhd and autistic traits. He is also rude to airport staff etc and it’s ground swallowingly embarrassing.

the one about inviting too many people to the wedding I think is excusable and I would scrub that off the list.

on the whole I don’t know whether to say marry him or not because I married someone who I think has some tricky flaws and I overlooked them because I wanted a family. I have a toddler and a baby and I’m happy with my decision but then again I have to be don’t I?

007DoubleOSeven · 15/06/2023 09:32

You haven't mentioned that you love him, op

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2023 09:36

You know marrying him would be a huge mistake. Please don't burden a child with this man as their father.

caringcarer · 15/06/2023 09:38

My dear Dad on the morning of wedding looked at me and said are you 100 percent sure you want to marry this man. I must have hesitated because he said it's not too late to call it off. I had doubts but pushed them away and got married. Then I had to go through a divorce. I think my Dad had doubts he was right for me. Listen to your gut. You could postpone the wedding and see how you go.

yellowsmileyface · 15/06/2023 09:50

Agree with others, your doubts are not unfounded. Be very wary of a man with a temper.

Your list of negatives aren't little annoying habits like he leaves the toilet seat up or he has a weird sneeze. They're instances of him being aggressive, judgemental, and controlling. Him being critical of your friends and family feels eerily like the beginnings of him trying to isolate you.

It sounds like in your heart you know you want to call it off, you're just looking for permission because perhaps you feel you need a really good reason. Not wanting to is enough of a reason.

snickersontoast · 15/06/2023 10:09

Thesoundofmusic23 · 15/06/2023 06:07

Sadly I agree with pps his flaws show him as a potential coercive controller. They all suggest he will try to separate you from your friends and family slowly but surely over time and except control over you. Marriage is often the first step so please see these flags and leave. This is not the right one and has nothing to do with wedding jitters. Good luck.

This. Someone who loves you should want to make an effort to get to know the people who are important to you. These are red flags. Your brother hasn't been unreasonable at all, he just wants to make sure he can actually attend your wedding.
Believe me, you don't want someone like that as the father of your children. If a 40 min wait (no doubt relaxing, at a bar, with his phone to occupy him and updates of your whereabouts for an honest mistake) send him into a rage, imagine what he'll be like with toddlers and sleep deprivation. Get out whilst you can. You sound lovely, you'll meet someone else.

MadeofCheeese · 15/06/2023 10:11

You sound like you have not been together very long?
Is it possible to postpone the wedding, especially since you seem to have not come to an agreement in things like number if guests.
You can have a chat and postpone for a year rather than leaving and regretting?
Everyone has bad points. In my relationship I'm the one with the most shitty traits. If my DH wrote about me on here everyone would tell him to leave me! I work on my behaviour all the time and I take note when we argue and he brings something up.
I think you need to have a conversation and give it more time. You will then know for sure one way or the other.

Nowstrong · 15/06/2023 10:13

Please listen to all of the PP. They have all said the same thing that I think. Do NOT marry him. Waste of your time, and his. He is not THE one.

Tidsleytiddy · 15/06/2023 10:16

I know someone who was determined to marry this bloke. Second marriage. She knew all his shortcomings as did we all but she ploughed ahead. Nowadays she can’t stand to be in his company for more than a few days. Does her own thing. Always at someone else’s house or booking herself holidays. Not a marriage is it. More than one of us tried to tell her but there we are

Goodyetalso · 15/06/2023 10:16

If all this stuff is making you have doubts now, just imagine how much it will be magnified when you have children and are both sleep deprived.

someone with a bad temper who is very critical of others is going to become an explosive, snippy nightmare with no sleep and his freedom curtailed by children. And you will become cowed and retreat inwards to try to keep the peace. You and your future children would be treading on eggshells constantly. If you divorce him further down the line you will have to let your children stay with him a couple of times per week without you there to protect them from his temper and criticism.

3luckystars · 15/06/2023 10:16

You should listen to your gut feeling about this.
sometimes a wedding feels like a runaway train but it really isn’t.
postpone the wedding
say you aren’t sure which type of wedding you want and you would like to wait another year

postpone it and this will allow you to think clearly. All the best.

Cotonsugar · 15/06/2023 10:18

orangegato · 15/06/2023 05:58

Narp he ain’t the one. Tell him about these flaws and that they’re making you hesitant about giving your life to him.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he’s angry and defensive and insistent that he isn’t the problem then he’s answered your question.

Exactly this. Trust your gut, move on and don’t settle. From one who experienced same.

LostRider · 15/06/2023 10:30

I've been in this relationship for 2 years. The biggest red flag is him trying to distance from those closest to you. I suffered similarly to outburst of anger over incorrectly cooked food, dropped signal on a metro etc which escalated to me on the street with no shoes or clothes for work the next day. You've got to think this is what you want your children subjected to? That started as subtle digs and insults to my friends and comments like 'you're family are just not for me'. For reference Ive not got an new man who I met 6 months later through friends and we now have a house and dog. Yes, we disagree, but I always feel I can speak my mind. Hope you didnt wait as long as I did, but only you will know when you're ready. Please never feel like you have to settle.