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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

235 replies

Emmyjas · 15/06/2023 05:48

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

  • He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.
  • Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.
  • He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)
  • He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.
  • I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 15/06/2023 22:27

A dear friend of mine married quickly in her late 30s to someone who is anxious, critical and basically unpleasant. Her whole life is spent anticipating what he might want or be annoyed by. It is hard to see. One of their dc is quite shy, dreamy and disorganised and this man just won't accept and love the child for who she is, but is always berating her. Painful and damaging.

Beaverbridge · 15/06/2023 22:55

Nah bin him off. People get worse with age not better.

GoldDuster · 16/06/2023 09:07

There's a difference between marrying someone you think is great and them turning out not to be perfect (although standards are variable clearly), and having major doubts, to the point where you're wondering if you should call off the marriage yet going ahead with it anyway.

Don't do it. You already know you don't want to be married to him or why the post? It will be the biggest regret of your life.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/06/2023 11:03

My cousin had doubts 35 years ago but went ahead due to the money invested in the wedding and not wanting to "upset"
anyone.

He turned out alcoholic, gambling addict, philanderer, and worse. She's 60 and looks 80, still paying off debt. She'll never be able to retire. He died a couple of years ago from substance abuse. She's had a miserable life. Their kids have lifelong depression and inability to form decent relationships.

Call off the wedding.

TakeMe2Insanity · 16/06/2023 16:05

SunflowerTed · 15/06/2023 20:39

He sounds quite normal. I’m sure you’re not perfect either?!

Hello OP fiancé.

AnnieRegent · 16/06/2023 19:19

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/06/2023 06:33

What do you think he would be like if you divorced after children and had to coparent with him? Could you hand your child over to him for the weekend and be happy that he would treat them right and teach them to respect others? Would he go to anger management classes for you? If the answer to these are no then it is not the right person/ time for you.

Ha, reminds me of the Nora Ephron line: "never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from".

DOCTORCEE · 17/06/2023 07:27

100%

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:39

Emmyjas · 15/06/2023 05:48

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

  • He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.
  • Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.
  • He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)
  • He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.
  • I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

I wouldn't marry him.

greentrainx · 17/06/2023 07:43

SunflowerTed · 15/06/2023 20:39

He sounds quite normal. I’m sure you’re not perfect either?!

It's not normal been angry with someone if they are 40 minutes late especially as she communicated with him throughout.
I find that over the top. He could just get another drink, look at phone etc.
I agree with you no one is perfect and I'm certainly not by far but I think losing your temper over something so small is pathetic. Be different if she did this every time they met.

CountingMareep · 17/06/2023 09:00

EarthSight · 15/06/2023 18:20

8 pages of advice and not a single acknowledgement that you have even read them OP????

Fairly routine for a lot of these kinds of posts. We have no idea at this end if they are real situations or well written creative writing exercises, so would be wise to give the OP the benefit of the doubt while not getting invested in the outcome.

1cupofmilk · 17/06/2023 09:06

The question is, are you willing to spend a life time with a controlling aggressive man ? He won't change, you'll have kids and he will get worse, you'll feel even more trapped. Sending a book to your dad doesn't negate him being unable to control his temper. Calling off an engagement isnt easy byt its easier than a divorce .

monsteramunch · 17/06/2023 09:07

@SunflowerTed

If your partner was 40 minutes late because they got lost, keeping you posted throughout, you would be so angry with them that it made them cry?

Mate, that isn't normal at all.

Redburnett · 17/06/2023 09:15

I sugest you keep a diary for, say two weeks, noting both the positives and negatives and see how they balance out - not necessarily just in numbers, but how significant each is to you.
From personal experience irritable men get far worse with age so be cautious about having children with him.

Original poster
Emmyjas · 17/06/2023 16:43

Thank you so much everybody for replying. I've now had a chance to properly take in all the replies (it's tricky finding a time to read this when my fiance is around!)

I have to say, I haven't previously thought of the things he's done as being 'controlling'. I have just put them down to him having a personality that can be confrontational and irritable when provoked. When I have told him I don't like the way he talks to people sometimes, including me, he says that he's like that because he's grown up with lots of brothers who all had to make their voice heard.

He has told me that he will try and be less robust and confrontational with people (but he said that a while back, and he keeps doing it). He has also at times got angry when I've criticised him about it, saying that I'm being too sensitive and critical - but then later apologises.

Someone told me that 'lots of people have a bad temper - but that it doesn't make them a bad person'. That's what I've been saying to myself a lot.

I should say that most of the time, he is lovely and charming towards people - including waiters and train staff. He compliments them often and tips them a lot. It is just the odd time, when one of them annoys him, that he's rude and confrontational. It is not constant. If it were, we wouldn't have got past the first date.

OP posts:
standardduck · 17/06/2023 16:56

OP, what I would consider if I were you - even if he is like this only occasionally, are you okay with him treating your kids this way? Even if he apologies after, his behaviour will have an impact on your children. He does seem to have a bad temper and kids bring a lot of stress and chaos to your life.

SoccerStars · 17/06/2023 17:00

RaspberryMojito · 15/06/2023 06:03

I called my wedding off with three months to go to someone who had no negatives. I just had small niggles about being 100% about him and me. It was awful but 13 years later I haven’t ever regretted making the decision. I’m still single (have had short term relationships) and didn’t have children but I’m so much happier than I would have been knowing deep down I wasn’t totally happy.

You have to be brave and totally honest with yourself.

Love this. More women need to have this attitude. So many miserable and trapped wives/mothers on Mumsnet who ignored red flags.

SoccerStars · 17/06/2023 17:03

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/06/2023 11:03

My cousin had doubts 35 years ago but went ahead due to the money invested in the wedding and not wanting to "upset"
anyone.

He turned out alcoholic, gambling addict, philanderer, and worse. She's 60 and looks 80, still paying off debt. She'll never be able to retire. He died a couple of years ago from substance abuse. She's had a miserable life. Their kids have lifelong depression and inability to form decent relationships.

Call off the wedding.

Ugh, your poor cousin - that’s a very sad but important story to share. The right partner can be amazing, the wrong one can ruin your life

xXiXx · 17/06/2023 17:14

The wrong partner can ruin yr life, I wouldnt say my x ruined my life, but being a broke single parent was not easy. Things were getting a lot easier, I was/am earning, eldest is well and happy, but my youngest, a boy, he needs a good male role model. :-(

Festivfrenzy · 18/06/2023 03:43

Move on. The right man for you could be waiting to surprise you the minute you're free! It's a long time to regret it otherwise and if you have a child with him you're tied to him for life.
Let yourself be free to find that kind relaxed man you need - plenty of mums in their 40s these days with no worse issues than young mums have. The wrong husband is a huge mistake to make and if you already see it you'll never forgive yourself.
Think how relieved your friends and family will be when you tell them - trust me they will see it too! X

Original poster
Emmyjas · 18/06/2023 06:26

Thanks for the quote @AnnieRegent - I love Nora Ephron!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmyjas · 18/06/2023 06:29

I'm sorry too @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune about your cousin. That sounds so terrible for her and her children.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 18/06/2023 06:29

Op even before your op I thought if someone isn’t sure then they definitely shouldn’t. It’s a commitment for life. I respect people who are strong enough to not walk down the aisle so much x

Tellmeimcrazy · 18/06/2023 08:59

Emmyjas · 17/06/2023 16:43

Thank you so much everybody for replying. I've now had a chance to properly take in all the replies (it's tricky finding a time to read this when my fiance is around!)

I have to say, I haven't previously thought of the things he's done as being 'controlling'. I have just put them down to him having a personality that can be confrontational and irritable when provoked. When I have told him I don't like the way he talks to people sometimes, including me, he says that he's like that because he's grown up with lots of brothers who all had to make their voice heard.

He has told me that he will try and be less robust and confrontational with people (but he said that a while back, and he keeps doing it). He has also at times got angry when I've criticised him about it, saying that I'm being too sensitive and critical - but then later apologises.

Someone told me that 'lots of people have a bad temper - but that it doesn't make them a bad person'. That's what I've been saying to myself a lot.

I should say that most of the time, he is lovely and charming towards people - including waiters and train staff. He compliments them often and tips them a lot. It is just the odd time, when one of them annoys him, that he's rude and confrontational. It is not constant. If it were, we wouldn't have got past the first date.

If it's just the odd time OP I think you need to cut him some slack. Nobody is perfect. Are you?

Pusillanimouswitch · 18/06/2023 09:28

I’ve been married more than once. If you have doubts, don’t do it. Having doubts like this enough. There is a difference between feeling apprehensive about a life change and what you are describing.

frazzledasarock · 18/06/2023 10:47

When I married ex I knew it would be disastrous. And I was right. The marriage was horrific the divorce which dragged on for half the length of the marriage was worse.

with my DH I was scared about the change and being legally bound to someone. But I had no doubts about him. And I was right, he’s amazing and I have no regrets marrying him.

don’t marry someone you are not a hundred percent sure about. It’s so much cheaper and less traumatic calling off a wedding than going through a divorce.

and if you have kids with an abusive man, they’ll be traumatised and you’ll be even more trapped as he will likely get shared contact and continue abusing your kids.

don’t do it.