Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

[Emmyjas]

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

• He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.

• Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.

• He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)

• He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.

• I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

All events are usually explainable away in isolation so don't spend time doing this. For example- I had to admit to DP that I struggle to find common ground with one group of his friends, plus if you agreed on wedding numbers then started to invite more it's understandable he may not be pleased. However you can see and feel the wider picture and he sounds a stressful presence.

Please don't get bogged down in the small details 'well it's understandable he was like this because X'. The point is how he makes you feel overall. And it doesn't sound brilliant.

Of course there is a range of disposition from pure sunshine all the time to constant rage. Ok, he isn't constantly raging but his quick responses are to irrigation, anger and criticism. He doesn't have to be all bad but he has enough incompatible traits to make you feel unhappy and uncomfortable quite regularly. You've noticed that and are feeling the effects. I didn't like that he made his bad behaviour your fault- you were over sensitive, not him being unpleasant. Even if he apologised after, for me its the fact that he jumps so quickly to this behaviour.

I 100% understand being mid 30s and worrying that you've missed the boat for a family but if you're having serious doubts then I think you will regret marrying this man more. He won't change. You will face big life events and you need someone who will be a support, not a mardy child. Please give your gut feeling some serious consideration here.

Op people on the Internet xan only go on what you write. And mimsnet always wants people to leave their relationship.
Think about not talking to him, not seeing him again. How do you feel? Only you know. But I would say that nobody is perfect, and you might also have flaws that irritate him. In ling relationship there will always be irritations.

But marriage should be based on more than feelings and emotions.

People blindly following emotional urges is how we end up with so many single parents, kids being raised in toxic households, etc.

Just because we love someone or are attracted to them, doesn't mean they are suitable life/financial partners. Assholes can be charming.

One has to be clear-eyed and practical.

OP, listen to that screaming gut of yours.

This is not a good man.

You think he is a bad tempered man now?

You haven't seen the half of it.

Don't inflict him on poor children.

Call is off asap.

You will bitterly regret it if you don't.

He will ruin your life.

It is just the odd time, when one of them annoys him, that he's rude and confrontational.

Kids are very annoying - they cry, don't sleep, wake you up at all hours of the night. Later on they spend all your money, don't listen to you, don't clean their rooms, are rude.
This is all just the normal, happy ones.

You really want to have a baby with someone who is rude and confrontational when annoyed?

How is he with his mum? Does he get annoyed with her or keep his patience?

Don't do it. You've got the warning that so many people dismiss, listen to it. If you cancel now it will be a bit of a pain, but nothing compared to the shit show that will unfold if you don't.

He's love bombed you, pushed for commitment, tried to distance you from friends and family, he's irritable, angry, impatient and you feel embarrassed standing next to him. Being married is essentially many years of standing next to someone literally and figuratively, through all sorts of weather, so it's not looking good OP.

No it's not all the time, sometimes he's Nice, but it's difficult to keep a facade running 24/7 plus he's also testing where your boundaries are, and how you react in these situations.

You will find, and I hope that you don't test the theory, that when you're locked in through either marriage or more likely pregnancy, that he will take his foot completely off the gas and you'll be left with the person you are worried about him being full time. You'll then spend your time trying to work out how to get Mr Nice Guy that you were intially besotted with to come back, bending yourself so out of shape in the process you'll forget who you were before you met him. But he doesn't exist.

Don't do it. You know something is off. This is not a good option for a husband, and absolutely no way should you have children with him. I hear that you want to settle down and have a baby, there are other options that don't include men like this.

He’s definitely not the one, I echo what others have said regarding him sounding controlling. These doubts are serious and not unfounded.

@Emmyjas did you cancel the wedding yet?

I didn't marry my ex (thank goodness) but I had doubts and a gut reaction that wasn't good but I plowed ahead with living together because I didn't listen! I really regret it.

You are still young. He isn't for you and he will get worse once you are married.

"He has told me that he will try and be less robust and confrontational with people (but he said that a while back, and he keeps doing it). He has also at times got angry when I've criticised him about it, saying that I'm being too sensitive and critical - but then later apologises.

Someone told me that 'lots of people have a bad temper - but that it doesn't make them a bad person'. That's what I've been saying to myself a lot."

So what have you learnt already, this soon into the relationship? That he promises to change and then fails to make the effort. That he sometimes finds it easier to attack you for your reaction to his anger, rather than self-reflecting on why it's upset you. I've said this soooo many times but angry men are the root of most evil in the world. I've dated them too, I've been that embarrassed woman next to the guy who is mouthing off, just wishing he would stop.

But luckily, I have the same instincts as you - and they made me realise that hard as it was, I had to end it. It's not something you can change, it's who he IS. And no-one deserves an angry partner.