Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

[Emmyjas]

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

• He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.

• Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.

• He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)

• He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.

• I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

He acknowledges he has a temper.

This phrase is always a red flag.

My dh isn't perfect and I knew that when I married him, but I didn't have any doubts that I wanted to.

Feeling nervous and daunted by the day itself and even the commitment (it gets such a build-up!) is natural, but your points are more around some fundamental personality traits your fiance has that are likely to get worse once your years in and you add other pressures and responsibilities such as children.

If he can talk to a stranger unpleasantly, he can do it to you. If he can critique your friends and family, he can do it to you. I'd seriously reconsider.

Always trust your instincts.

There is a reason you’re having doubts.

The fact that you're having doubts should be enough to tell you what you have to do which is end it.

I just wanted to use the tiny red flag emoji but found this instead.

If a friend asked you what you've written about your doubts what would you say?

Oh crap.

this IS bad

when he loses it towards you @Emmyjas he can - and will - say “I told you I had a temper”

and “you made me angry, you know I have a temper”

this man is a wrong un.

It sounds like you are settling for second best. Don't.

Do NOT marry this man. The saying "when a person shows you what they are, believe them!" He's a control freak and the treatment of train staff etc is awful. Imagine him talking to your future children like this, nope!

My experience of DV - "I'll admit, I have a temper" is what they say

His use of the term self important to describe your brother (presumably a doctor/clinician) does hint at a slightly insecure/narcissistic trait.

He probably will turn out to be quite hard work, if think at this point I’d pull out if I were you.

Read your opening post back as if it was a close friend saying this and asking for advice. I'm pretty sure you'd say "if it's bothering you now before the every day hum drum of life and children kick in,it won't be improved by the inevitable extra stresses to come. He's not for you". That's what I'm saying to you.

As I've got older I've learned to trust my gut.

Pre-wedding jitters and doubts are normal. It's a major commitment, and deserves serious thought, and thoughts like "Is he really The One?" or "Can I really see myself growing old with this one person?" are part of that.

But questions like, "Am I afraid of him/his temper?" or "Will he be able to control his temper when the baby won't stop crying or the toddler is having a meltdown?" are something else. No-one's temper or attitude to others improves in those situations.

It's tough because there's the feeling that if you don't marry him, you won't find someone else in time to settle down and have a family with, and that's something that clearly matters to you. You have to weigh up what your priorities are, and no-one can make those decisions for you, I'm afraid.

Life is easy now, his temper hasn't even really been tested yet. What if you have fertility issues, money worries, miscarriage, job losses, bereavement, the toddler years and all the tiny things in between that cause stress and strain in a marriage. There's great stuff mixed in too but the fundamentals are that you are kind to each other and give each other understanding and support.

You will be already changing to tiptoe around his temper - I'll bet you'll be shitting yourself if there's a possibility you'll be late the next time you meet him right? You'll already be tense going into a restaraunt because you know he'll be abrupt or rude to the wait staff.... it's started.

The only reaons that you are still there is your age & fertility. If you were 20 you'd have dumped him. FWIW, I had DS at 36, and we were continuing to TTC until I was 42. It didn't work for us again but the cause wasn't age-related.

The longer you stay with him the chances of you finding that lovely happy man who's going to be a brilliant dad and partner will dwindle. You have a very short window of time to find the right guy - this man isn't it.

No, he is not a kind person.

His bad behaviour now will be x1000 once he's exhausted by children. Don't do it.

Nope don’t do it.

This won’t end well.

It sounds like you know you'd be settling because you want to have kids soon. The way you are describing him (impatient, losing temper easily) will not mesh well with having kids. If he is like this now, I imagine it will be worse after having kids.

How long have you been together?

If you have any doubts at all then you should postpone or cancel the wedding and spend time apart to work out what you do next.

I am married to someone like this and have been for 27 years. Even arsey men often have good traits. My H is kind to animals, very intelligent, funny, good looking for his age and thinks I'm fab - no doubt he would be inundated if on his own (initially) but the negative side kicked in at about 4 years married and never really went away. He spends a lot of time apologising! Thing is some women can cope with this, but it takes a certain kind who gives as good as they get and just thinks 'twat' You don't strike me that wayOP and I don't think it will work. Put it like this I would never live with a bloke again.

You're settling for someone you're not entirely compatible with because you want a family (with someone who is bad tempered even before you marry him and the stress and tiredness that comes with children!)

You've not mentioned that you love him.

Better to cancel the wedding than go ahead and get divorced after a miserable short marriage.

If you haven't been persuaded by the many responses so far saying don't do it, here's another one.

I know you want to settle down with a nice man, have some children and be happy and that's a valid want, absolutely. It's reasonable in your thirties to be aware that you don't have forever if you want to get pregnant, and there's a window of opportunity.

But you also need to be very realistic. You are not currently in a position where it's get married to this man and live happily ever after, or call off the wedding. That's not the choice you face. You're at a massive crossroads where you are deciding whether to marry a man who has really clear and obvious traits that are likely to see you in an abusive relationship, if you aren't already. Subsequently any children you have, will also have to be in an abusive relationship. Then you will be faced with the choice of whether to stay because you can't bear to have your children looked after by him, or leave and let them go to him. It's a horrendous choice, the one you are facing right now is far easier.

This is the time where you are both on your best behaviour. He is showing you his best self, ie the books sent to your father, the fun and "normal" side, because if those bits weren't there you would be gone. He is buying you in with these behaviours, to counteract the toxic bullshit you have clearly identified.

From experience, those "normal" and "nice' behaviours will dry up as soon as you're married, and if not then, for certain as soon as you get pregnant. Then all that's left is the toxic bullshit, and you're stuck with it because you're scared for your baby.

This is not how it needs to be. Leg it, while you can.

This does not sound like a good prospect for marriage and children, OP, and you will be stuck having to co-parent with this controlling, angry man when it inevitably goes wrong. I know you probably feel like you are running out of options (I wish I was still your age), but this doesn't mean that you have to settle for less than you deserve. You shouldn't have to embarrassed about the behaviour of another grown adult in public

Your inner voice is always right. I didn't listen to mine and here I am 15 years later, wasting my life with someone I should never have said yes to.

I would say trust your feelings! He seems quite controlling and I’d run away from him.

Then don't get married @Emmyjas it's not mandatory.