Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

[Emmyjas]

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

• He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.

• Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.

• He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)

• He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.

• I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

Most of your scenarios can read either way - he was annoyed you were late. Awful if it was a one-off, understandable if you have an issue with time-keeping. He was annoyed about more invites to the wedding - was it 4 more or 14 or 40? Possibly should have been discussed.

The big red flag is him saying he has a temper. Announcing it like that excuses his poor behaviour, rather than a serious character flaw he needs to work hard to manage. Because he does sound quick to judge, uncharitable in his assessments, stubborn in his chippy anger at anyone "self-important". And controlling.

Imagine that impatient, quick-to-anger temperament with toddlers in the house. Or him cutting you off from your brother or friends.

Bottom line - you don't want to marry him. No, you don't. If you could wave a magic wand and just live with him, no one ever proposed, you probably would.

Cancel the wedding. You have legitimate concerns about his anger issues.

Doesn't sound great TBH

We don't know you either - are you a flip flopper? Indecisive in general?

On the friends thing. I think it's U to expect your partner to get on with all your friends, however, it's important he puts in the effort. My DH doesn't particularly like some of my close friends or their husbands, however, when we do meet up he is polite and amiable.

Why the hell is he getting arsey with your DB about him needing to know when your wedding date is? Does he know how hard it is to book dates off in the NHS?

There are definitely a few worrying traits here that can't be ignored. Can you talk to him about them?

Your first sentence said it all. You really like him and find him fun and caring. You don't love him there's no passion and he will get 3otse and worse till your dancing to his tune. Believe me. Trust your gut please don't marry him. Put it off a year and see what happens in between. Hopefully you'll not be with him. Urgh his type hit a massive nerve with me.

I split up with exdp this year and I've been out socially a few times and there's been quite a few comments about how I'm different now, someone hit the nail on the head when they said "well, she can enjoy herself now because she no longer has to be on her guard to police X behavior"
They were completely correct, I've spent 15 years trying to placate exdp so he isn't rude/ doesn't kick off either at me or someone else.
I wouldn't have too much to drink, didn't let my hair down, constantly on guard waiting for signs he was about to go off.
Don't marry him, it's got disaster written all over it.
My ex would apologise, we'd call it his apology tour but the behavior continued.
It's all about control, exdp also had to have everything his way, didn't like certain people etc.
Trust me it's no way to live

Irritable, critical, angry... not good traits. You're not crazy to want to call it off.

What do you think he would be like if you divorced after children and had to coparent with him? Could you hand your child over to him for the weekend and be happy that he would treat them right and teach them to respect others? Would he go to anger management classes for you? If the answer to these are no then it is not the right person/ time for you.

True, my x is angry and controlling and I had to let the kids go to his after we split. Very stressful. Also, he didn't become less angry after I left him, he didn't become less controlling either. I made my life very complicated having children with him.

Agree with a pp, use a donor with a sunny disposition!

There's a reason why you're drsgging your feet. That's gut instinct, listen to it, hard as it is. It would be much easier to just go along with it but you could be a year or two or a baby later, and regret it completely. Ending it before marrying will seem so simple then..

He's shown you who he is, now listen.

Just be glad you found out now what he's like.

A temper? Eugh.

A husband with a temper is shitty. A dad with a temper is terrifying.

Don't marry him it will not end well.

^^
this! This! @Emmyjas

If you have doubts then don't marry him.

This is a time you should be very happy and looking forward to your wedding.

He's not right for you if you have doubts.

I have to be honest, I would be annoyed if my husband invited far more people to our wedding than we had agreed. I wouldn’t appreciate being kept waiting for 40 minutes. And I think I am entitled to form my own opinion on his friends.

But it doesn’t sound like you want to marry him, so don’t.

I agree with a lot of the other posters, he will be the same with your children - impatient, quick to anger if things don’t go to plan. Is that what you want for your children? Don’t assume he will be different with little ones. My experience is he won’t.

Marriage can be challenging when everything is right and you love each other to the moon and back. It involves all.sorts of compromises and learning about each other when the big things hit: bereavements, miscarriages, injured child, illness, etc.

If your heart is telling you this is not right, listen hard. From what you have written about him and your feelings, my head is telling me one thing only.

If you are mid 30s, how old is he? If the same or older, what do you know about his previous relationships?

The good things about my husband start with the fact I love the bones of him.

Do you actually love him? Because having some things in common and him buying books for your dad aren’t enough.

Your doubts are telling you something. I agree with everyone else. Break it off . It’s tough but it will pay off in the future.

You want children. You really don’t want to be tying yourself to a man, who acts like this. He is likely to double down once kids are born. I’ve read enough threads on here and witnessed that having a child with a controlling person is hell. You’re tied to them not just 18 years but forever. When you have a moment, read a few threads on the subject. If you’re in a rush, just do a see all of the op’s posts. Mind games, coercive control and financial control within the relationship, working out how to pay almost zero child support once split, spending tens even hundreds of thousands on lawyers to protect your child.

I think you'll regret it if you don't break it off now, it will be so much harder later. And you don't have to settle at all.

He’s not it.
Break it off, have a baby alone and then find the right man at leisure. Otherwise you’re going to be tied to someone who at best will be snappy and grumpy with your children (who trust me will be very self centred because they are kids!) at best or at worst abusive. He is not the person. Don’t marry him.

Have a baby alone and then find the right man? Not good advice. A baby is not a commodity and needs a father.

He is angry and controlling.

When you got lost, instead of being concerned and checking you were ok he shouted and made you cry.

Why would you saddle your children with a father like that? One who makes them terrified of making mistakes and god knows what else? One who treats hospitality staff like dirt? One who treats their mum like a toy to be controlled, manipulating friendships etc.

I think you should break it off, but not because of him, because of you.

I absolutely disagree with the others here. It seems he has a real niggle with punctuality, as evidenced with the bar issue and the trains (fine). He doesn't get on with the invited friends, fine. He got upset you turned a small intimate event into something bigger... I'd be upset too. Your brother, fair point.

The bar thingy, yeah, not great, but basically you've found ONE thing in an entire relationship in my eyes. Maybe it was just a bad day... you were late, he got upset, but he apologised. No gaslighting, no guilting, just a one-off.

I'd be more concerned about your acceptance. The line that you're 30 and desperate is a BIG red flag for me. It cries desperation and suggests you're watching the clock more than the heart. I'd be horrified if my partner only married me because "it's now or never"...

His temper and controlling nature will only get worse when you have children, I'd rather be a single parent that used a sperm donor than have a child with someone like that