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Original poster

Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

235 replies

Emmyjas · 15/06/2023 05:48

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

  • He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.
  • Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.
  • He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)
  • He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.
  • I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 15/06/2023 07:15

I work in the NHS and have to give three months notice.
I Lways say if in doubt don't.
If you need to divorce a man like that he will make your life hell and will get at you through the children.

lightlypoached · 15/06/2023 07:15

The doubts you have now will only amplify over time. Imagine that tetchyness every day for the next forty years.

Nah.

YouAreBeingUnbearable · 15/06/2023 07:16

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise.

This is really sad, and not how most people feel about an upcoming wedding. I certainly didn’t. I’m not one for shouting LTB but I think this time it’s warranted. Don’t marry this controlling man.

h3ll0o · 15/06/2023 07:19

Is he willing to change?

My OH used to be an a belittling aresehole to others when we were out - it was taught behaviour from his stepfather. I explained how it made me feel and that I wasn’t going to be with so done like that. He worked early hard to change and we’ve been happily married for four years.

Summerfun54321 · 15/06/2023 07:19

This is the easy part of a relationship. The hard part is having children. I broke off an engagement at your age and it takes courage and strength to say "I deserve better than this" but it's true. You are staying with him through fear of not finding anyone else. I found my now DH online dating and thank myself daily for ending my first engagement.

RudsyFarmer · 15/06/2023 07:23

You’re seeing red flags but moving to ignore them because you think it’s time to settle and he’s the best you’re going to find. Think about him being aggressive and controlling with your children. Think about them growing up with an irritable and critical father.

Hadalifeonce · 15/06/2023 07:26

I had doubts about my first H, even on my wedding day my DF asked if I was sure
5 years later I was filing for divorce.
With my DH, I knew he was the only one I wanted to be with, and was excited to get married. 25 years later and I still get a little flutter if I see the car in the drive if I'm not expecting him

Do not marry this man.

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 15/06/2023 07:26

The negatives sound quite worrying- he’s controlling.
i called off my wedding 4 months before and there were no negatives like this- It just didn’t feel right and I wasn’t happy. It’s very easy to get swept up in wedding plans and I tried to push it to the back of my mind.
I was worried about being in my 30s but i was lucky and met someone else soon after and had a baby. I don’t regret anything! I felt awful for cancelling but you can’t go through with it to please someone else

emmylousings · 15/06/2023 07:27

The fact he's nice to your parents means nothing, everyone knows you have to curry favour with DPs parents. But people he sees as less relevant, he's mean about.
I persued in a relationship with someone I had doubts about (quite similar thing as you've described) because I was pregnant. He got worse, it was awful, scary and miserable. I genuinely believe these gut instincts are a real; parts of your body knows (or fears) things which other parts doesn't want to acknowledge.
I think you'll learn an enormous amount by his reaction, if you raise these concerns with him. If he gets angry / aggressive, definitely finish it. If he's upset, sad, accepts your feelings and says he wants to be better....maybe give it more time

AromanticSpices · 15/06/2023 07:31

Marry him if you like (I don't advise it as you need to be pretty compatible for marriage, which you aren't) but for the love of God please do not have kids with him.

The "little things" that are problematic are large parts of who he is as a person. You can't shove that aside. There are so many threads on here about people wishing they hadn't married their sulking and controlling partner.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/06/2023 07:31

Luckily he is showing you who is before the wedding not after. Run 🏃‍♀️

SatelliteStomper · 15/06/2023 07:32

Your thread title says it all. 'Serious doubts'. Don't marry a man you have 'serious doubts' about, even if you can also think of several good points.

I did. It was, predictably, a disaster. I wish I had listened to my gut and had the courage to call it off. He was an angry man too, always critical, always irritated or frustrated about something or someone. It was horrible and exhausting being married to a man like that (and yes, he was a shit father too).

I met now-DH when I was almost 40. Neither of us are perfect and yes, marriage is often about compromise and putting the other one first...BUT not once did I ever doubt whether I should marry him. It just felt absolutely right to do so. We've been together for 12 years now and I love him more deeply now than ever (as he does me, I should add!)

Serious doubts should be heeded. Your gut feeling is the right one.

ArcticSkewer · 15/06/2023 07:35

Mid thirties, plenty of women settle for a man to start a family with. Sure, some people split up mid thirties and find Mr Right quickly, but it's also a hard age for women to date - baby hunger isn't attractive on dating sites.

He sounds like he has a temper. Has he always seemed that way or is it just recently? Do you think he was hiding that part of himself or weren't you that bothered before?

Some of your examples - 40 minutes late - inviting lots of extra people to your joint wedding without checking - he likes most of your friends but not one - I don't find that unreasonable. But it depends what you mean about his reaction as well - did you feel scared? What would he be like in a divorce with young children to think about?

lastminutewednesday · 15/06/2023 07:36

The hills are ➡️

shockthemonkey · 15/06/2023 07:39

“He acknowledges he has a 'temper' but hasn't done anything to acknowledge this.”

Well that doesn’t make much sense, goodchat.

As PPs have pointed out two of those instances seem legit - making someone wait for 40 minutes, inviting many more people than agreed on to the wedding. But a lot depends on the intensity and duration of his anger. Only you can really know that.

I had similar reservations about my DH, put it down to cold feet and went ahead. We’ve just celebrated our 26th anniversary and are extremely happy together. As we matured we grew towards each other. He became a lot less controlling (it was hardly at pathological levels in the first place) and I got much better at time keeping. He still doesn’t get on that well with one of my siblings but as they see each other rarely they are able to keep it cordial.

Good luck with your decision

GiveOverRover · 15/06/2023 07:41

Don't do it. Honestly from experience don't do it. Call it off and it will be a weird couple of months that you'll look back on. If you're having doubts about being married to him, he's not the person to have children with and make him someone's father, and even less so have to try to divorce and co-parent with and wave them off into his care every weekend with the fear of how he's behaving.

It feels really wrong for good reason. This is your warning, your exit door, take it. Be single minded, think about yourself, honestly please do not tie yourself to this and bring in children. It will be more awful than you can imagine.

Call it off. Don't think twice.

Mallysmum · 15/06/2023 07:41

Has he got ADHD?

DustyLee123 · 15/06/2023 07:43

He is a control freak and it will get worse after you marry. Then it will get worse again after you have children, and it will be harder to leave, plus he will be able to have your children 50% of the time.

Paq · 15/06/2023 07:43

Run! 🚩

GCalltheway · 15/06/2023 07:43

Run for the bloody hills op.
He will be unbearable once married and worse still when you are tethered with a baby.

Trust your instincts.

GiveOverRover · 15/06/2023 07:43

Mallysmum · 15/06/2023 07:41

Has he got ADHD?

Please god no, this is not helpful. Sticking a label on shitty behaviour that makes the OP feel like something is very wrong, in order to legitimise it is not helpful.

GCalltheway · 15/06/2023 07:44

You will never get rid of him once you have had children and he bloody break you if you dare to leave with his children.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/06/2023 07:45

You need to listen to those doubts. The reasons are worrying. I’m really sorry, it’s going to be hard.

Puffalicious · 15/06/2023 07:46

Mumdiva99 · 15/06/2023 06:08

How long were you together before getting engaged? If less than a year then yes cancel the wedding. You said yes in the honeymoon phase and have now moved on.
If you have been dating years and years then I would talk to your fiance. These might hist be doubts - as you've known this for a long time but still said yes.

This.

I said yes after being together 11 months. I was in the honeymoon phase. I had doubts before the wedding but batted them away. We should never have married. He's a good person and a great dad- I'll never regret my 2 wonderful DC- but your points about him being miserable/ angry/ controlling ring so very true for me. We split after 7 years. My DP now (13 years) is like night and day. Don't compromise OP.

TookTheBook · 15/06/2023 07:47

That scenario you describe with him shouting and making you cry when you were late to the bar would've been the final straw for me. I would've left him then and there. I'm astonished you're still with him after that. It's such an overreaction and not the actions of someone worth marrying. Please reconsider. Don't have children with this oaf.