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Original poster

Wedding is soon. I have serious doubts and don't know if I should break engagement

235 replies

Emmyjas · 15/06/2023 05:48

6 months ago, I got engaged to my fiancé. The wedding is in 3 months' time.

I really care about him and I find him fun, interesting and caring. When we first met, I was besotted - we got on so well and I thought he was a dream come true. He really loves me and wants to commit - which I have never had in a relationship before.

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

So when he proposed, I said yes. However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

I've been trying to pinpoint some of the reasons. Some of these are:

  • He can sometimes be irritable and impatient with people in public (e.g. with train staff if they don't give clear instructions about train times) - I think he should be less impatient and I've told him that. I feel embarrassed standing next to him when he's like this.
  • Recently, I was meeting him for a drink in a bar. I got lost and was 40 mins late (I had texted him a few times in advance to let him know). When I arrived, he lost his temper and was angry that I was so late. I ended up crying. He apologised after.
  • He has been critical about some of my friends, in ways which I think are unfair (e.g. a good friend invited us over for dinner with some others, a bit out of the way for everyone - my fiance thought they were being 'self-indulgent'. He said he didn't have anything in common with my friend's husband and didn't want to meet up with the couple again anytime soon.)
  • He has been critical of my brother, saying he has been self-important because he said he needed to know date for the wedding asap, due to his hospital rota.
  • I sent out wedding invites to more people than planned (wouldn't have made a difference to the cost). He got very annoyed at this, saying he 'wanted a small wedding'. I didn't realise it was a big deal. He said he would be annoyed if I invited anyone else.

The good things are that he's fun and loving. He is kind towards my parents and sends my dad books he thinks he'd like. We have lots to talk about and I find him attractive. He likes most of my other friends and gets on well with people. We also share many of the same values.

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man, and have to make a real-life decision that inevitably involves some compromise. We are different people and he is a lot more forthright and direct than me. He acknowledges he has a temper.

I have read a bit about wedding doubts, and I know it's common to feel sacred about big life decisions.

I feel overcome with doubt, but I don't feel I have good enough reasons for breaking the engagement and losing him. It was so hard to find someone like him. I'm worried I would seriously regret ending things.

What would others feel? Has anyone else had doubts like this?

OP posts:
deveronvalley · 15/06/2023 07:47

If I wrote a list of all the times my husband has been pissed off it would be many pages long and make him sound horrendous!

but you don’t have to marry anyone if you don’t want to!

ThisWormHasTurned · 15/06/2023 07:49

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/06/2023 07:31

Luckily he is showing you who is before the wedding not after. Run 🏃‍♀️

This! Actually it’s a warning in itself - that he proposed quickly, he’s already showing some red flags, you don’t seem to mention actually loving him..?
I married a man like this. Engaged after 9 months, married after 18 months. I didn’t see what he was truly like until well after we were married. 15 years together and one DC before I couldn’t take any more and we split. I don’t regret DD of course, I love her to bits! But I’m tied to him because of our shared child. My self-confidence was in tatters when we split. I spend my time boosting DD’s confidence. He’s not nice to her 🙄 These criticisms just worse over time. The temper outbursts get worse. I found it hard to make any decisions on my own because he’d been so controlling. It was often about picking around what he didn’t like!
18 months on I’m much happier. Settled in my own home. No more walking on egg shells. Got a lovely fella, been together 6 months but we are in no rush to push things forward!
Honestly, trust your gut. Like Atillathemeerkat suggests, read ‘Why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft. Also look at The Freedom Programme online. Not expensive and a good introduction to dysfunctional relationships. Much easier to end it now than close to or after the wedding!

Mac11 · 15/06/2023 07:51

Don't get married. He sounds too controlling. Tell him you want a year off. Watch the reaction. Too many question marks. I got married at 37yrs and ended in divorce after 15 years. 2 kids later.
Love my kids but...be careful!

ACynicalDad · 15/06/2023 07:52

Often people on here rush to say leave the bastard and I think it’s overkill but you aren’t married and don’t have kids, no idea if you have a joint mortgage but without all these things tying you together now is the easiest time to go. He’s controlling and maybe even narcissistic. Short term you have to tell people it’s not happening, you may fear losing face but half the purple will probably say I didn’t like him anyway. Run, run for the hills!

FlamingoQueen · 15/06/2023 07:55

If you have doubts now, you will be forever posting on MN about him, how he is controlling, you can’t go out in public with you and he’s isolated you from friends and family.
Please, for your own health, call off the wedding and leave him (and I don’t say that lightly).

wednesdaynamesep · 15/06/2023 07:55

Way more important than who you marry is who you choose to be the father of your children. Can't stress this enough.

A friend of mine started worrying about her age the way you are, and now her children cry every time they have to go spend time with their dad, they totally dread pressure he puts on them, and she is wretched with worry about them. He threatens her with all sorts all the time. She also doesn't have her children with her all the time, which is what she wants. I can't tell you how often I have her crying at my house. It's heartbreaking, for her and her children.

And the guy she linked with doesn't have ANY of the red flags you describe. Because trust me, those are big red flags. Leave him.

NextTimeItsOver · 15/06/2023 07:56

I really can't stand people who have a temper. It's not unusual though 🫤. Do you argue with him?

He doesn't sound like Dad material.

Staying because you want kids is a really dumb and unfair thing to do. It's actually unfair on him! (Not that we care about that)

Kimten · 15/06/2023 07:58

Clearly, he's very controlling.
Expect that to worsen, if you marry him.

Yeah, I'd bin him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/06/2023 07:58

This is your subconscious telling you you're making a mistake. Listen to it. It'll be far less painful in the long run. He doesn't sound right for you and is showing some controlling behaviour which won't get better. End it would be my advice.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 15/06/2023 07:59

The first point where he is irritable and short with others.. give it time, once he knows he got you (whether wedding or pregnancy) the person at the recieving end will be you.
And he probably restrains himself in public.
So it will get worse and will be directed at you. You will be the one who can't do things well enough, can't give the right instructions, can't take care of the kids right etc etc etc.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 15/06/2023 08:00

In fact you've been at the recieving end twice already from your examples. Your list can only grow.

QueSyrahSyrah · 15/06/2023 08:03

Please don't marry him OP. I pushed very similar doubts aside, after the wedding behaviours all escalated and we were separated within two years and divorced as soon as possible after.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/06/2023 08:03

Run for the hills.

Loubelou14 · 15/06/2023 08:03

As someone about to go through a divorce who has been lucky enough to find an amazing partner I would say never settle. He's not the one for you m the real one can only come along when you're brave enough to realise.

WilkinsonM · 15/06/2023 08:07

If you have doubts now, you can guarantee the marriage is going to go very sour and you'll probably end up divorced. Up to you if that's the way you want your life to go! Short term pain now is almost certainly worth long term gain.

frazzledasarock · 15/06/2023 08:07

Rule of thumb for me. Never ever date a man who is rude to service staff. Ever.

I’d call the wedding off. Better that than married to someone who turns out to be abusive.

Your fiancé is rude to people who cannot feasibly respond alike. Hates your friends. Gets angry and screams at you. He’s slowly escalating.

don’t marry him. I’d not stay with him either.

WilkinsonM · 15/06/2023 08:07

Sorry I meant to add I had doubts about my first husband, he ended up being mildly domestically abusive and we are divorced. I'm marrying someone this year that I'm excited to be with for the remainder of my days.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 15/06/2023 08:13

The good things are that he's fun and loving

it sounds like he’s only fun & loving provided it’s doing what he wants. Fun & loving ppl don’t tend to shout at their fiancée after they got lost & make them cry

if you doubt tk the extent Youre asking strangers on the internet if you should marry him, then you’ve doubts enough to call it off

namechanged9999 · 15/06/2023 08:15

As someone who spent 100k getting divorced from someone like this and is suffering to this day from their attitude and control, I say run. It’s your gut talking to you. I ignored mine and paid a heavy price.

gannett · 15/06/2023 08:15

Do not marry him OP.

The reasons you've pinpointed aren't small things, they're major character flaws. Being rude to staff - he's not a good person. Getting angry at you for getting lost and being late - not a good person. Those two things alone are dumping grounds.

Refusing to see your friends just because he didn't get along with them is also an indication that he might try to isolate you from your social network.

And what's the flipside?

I am in my mid-30s and would like a family. So I feel that now is a good time to settle down and get married.

and

I feel I can't keep waiting around for the perfect man

Neither of those things are about him. They're about your own panic about your biological clock. They'd apply to whoever you happened to be with right now. The best thing you say about him is that he sends your dad good books, which..... is really lukewarm.

This is easy for me to say as someone who's never wanted kids, but broodiness is the root of so many awful relationship decisions I see women make. They want kids, they know time isn't on their side, so they settle for someone who's unsuitable at best and dangerous at worst.

If you didn't want kids, or were 10 years younger, you'd have kicked this cunt to the kerb a long time ago. That's still the right decision because having a family with him would not lead to a happy life.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 15/06/2023 08:18

He sounds pretty critical and negative. These traits tend to become even more exaggerated with time and familiarity. You know the expression that familiarity breeds contempt? It does a bit.

I wouldn’t get married if you have such doubts. It’s a really very serious thing to enter into.

MzHz · 15/06/2023 08:19

However, I have been consumed by doubts ever since, and have been dragging my feet about wedding plans.

is this prospect keeping you awake @Emmyjas ? From this para and THEN considering the other comments you made, I’d say your instincts are screaming at you.

there are some really bad signs here. Really bad.

im discounting the good, because those of us who have been with men like yours know that the good evaporates pretty fast and the bad only escalates.

cancel this. You know its not right

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/06/2023 08:20

TakeMe2Insanity · 15/06/2023 05:51

The five negative points all show him exerting control over people. Think about that.

This, I would like to that what someone who work with victims of domestic abuse told me: “All abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it”

Run while you can and be strong, everybody will try to convince you you are wrong as they have only seen the lovely “side” of him, but you know better, you have seen the controlling monster within.

Bb234 · 15/06/2023 08:23

He’s controlling and the rush to get married is sending red flags I wouldn’t marry him, I feel he’s going to be abusive to you

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/06/2023 08:24

Honestly OP, if your hormone clock is ticking… the only thing I can assure you is that giving a dad like this to your child will break your heart and ruin your life: you hurt when the dad hurt them, ten fold, BUT you cannot easily leave without worrying sick about what he is going to do to your child.

A child in common is a link that never gets totally broken.