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Original poster

Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

184 replies

Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 17:29

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 13/06/2023 17:37

Seriously? If he slept with someone else, regardless of the exclusivity chat.. do you really want to go there? He's had a get out of jail free card there hasn't he? But, how in to you is he, if he's done that?

AliceInTheMoon · 13/06/2023 17:37

I don't know if it's just me. But if you're both in your 40's and having, what sounds like, ridiculous conversations about exclusivity when you're already sleeping together, I'd would think you'd know better. This is game playing, teenage stuff. Not grown adults who know that, much of the time, this multiple dating shit does work.

Exclusively should be a given once you are spending this amount of time, staying over etc.

SummerVino · 13/06/2023 17:45

People can be very sketchy on things like this. If a man said to me, I don’t really mind whether we are exclusive or not, I’d probably feel as though he wasn’t 100% invested and I would consequently date other people.

Maybe he felt like you weren’t really into having a relationship? It’s hard to say whether he went too far or not - you kinda in a way left it seem like you didn’t want/need the whole exclusive thing. I’m not saying this is on you that this happened, just thinking out loud.

If you want to give it a go , are you able to let go of the fact that he went and slept with someone else? If you do want to get exclusive, he simply can’t have her at his birthday party and there can’t be this idea for the two of you to meet. It’s just my opinion but that is WAY too far. He’ll need to buckle up and fly straight if he wants to have a proper relationship with you. Discuss EVERY boundary with him tonight and make crystal clear what you expect in a relationship.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/06/2023 17:49

So he's tried a number of times to clarify that you're in an exclusive relationship, and every time you've brushed him off and told him you're happy to be non exclusive.

Yet now you're miffed he's slept with someone else.

He's been honest with you, told you what he wants, and you've made it clear you just want him as a fuck buddy. He's been honest with you again when he's slept with someone else, so that you're aware and have all the information, and then when he's realised that there's been a massive miscommunication, hes again offered you the choice of what you want this relationship to be.

If a man tells you he wants to be exclusive, and you want to be exclusive, the correct response is not "No, I'm cool with being not exclusive"

Valour · 13/06/2023 17:50

I think you gave out signs that you weren't very into him tbh. Why did you say you were cool with something when you weren't?
Like I pp I feel too old to be having these conversations- exclusivity should be a given- but seeing as he did bring it up, you can't blame him for doing something you said (twice) that you were fine with.

Newusernameaug · 13/06/2023 17:51

But you said you didn’t want to be exclusive??

So I presume he took that literally and he thought you were sleeping with other people.

TBH he actually sounds very upfront, straight talking and honest!!

samestyle · 13/06/2023 17:52

Never bother with men that want to flaunt how many other women are after them, so unappealing and yes unnecessary, it sounds like a game for him to declare how much you want him to yourself and doesn't like it so throwing this shit at you.
If he was mature enough to want you in a relationship then he would set a good example of behaving like he just wanted you.

Also don't be afraid to say what you want in future, however this one has shown his true colours

crimsonlake · 13/06/2023 17:52

I would say 'splitsville' time but you can't as it appears you are not 'exclusive'.
At this stage I would not be happy if he was chatting to other women online. As for going as far as having sex with someone else, telling you about it, then expecting you to be okay with him inviting her to his party so you can both meet?? Who would be okay with that??

NeverThatSerious · 13/06/2023 17:53

If you tell someone you don’t want to be exclusive, and that they can see other people, you can’t be too surprised really when they do, in fact, see other people.

WhamBamThankU · 13/06/2023 17:53

Sorry OP but it sounds like you gave him free reign. He tried to ask if you wanted to be exclusive and you didn't commit.

RoseAndRose · 13/06/2023 17:54

You were clear - he offered exclusivity, and you said no you were cool with non-exclusive.

He's re-offered it, and you've said you don't trust him.

So if you didn't want a non-exclusive relationship, why did you say you were cool with it?

I don't think he's done anything wrong by respecting what you actually said.

80s · 13/06/2023 17:55

If you say you're not exclusive that means you are not a couple, you're just offering him a friends with benefits situation, for instance.
If you didn't want him to sleep with someone else then you could have said "yes, I only want an exclusive relationship" or "I don't like the idea of sleeping with multiple partners".

mfms · 13/06/2023 17:55

Way too much drama for 3 months in and for a couple in their 40s

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 13/06/2023 17:57

He asked you outright twice, and both times you said you were OK with non-exclusivity. You can't say one thing and then be upset when he is with other women.

SnapPop · 13/06/2023 17:59

I can understand why you're upset, but I do think you gave him mixed messages.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 13/06/2023 17:59

If I offered someone exclusive twice and they laughed it off, and said they were cool with not being, I'd fully assume they were still dating and just didn't want to say and therefore would do the same. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦‍♀️. He offered. Twice, and you brushed him off. You can't actually now can't complain he's treated you as a very nice FWB. Which is what you appeared to be with your replies to him.

Dating nowadays is a numbers game, so honesty is very much needed. And that includes if you both expect to be exclusive or not.

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:00

So what changed from when he first had an opportunity to sleep with someone else and didn't because he liked you too much (and why would he even tell you that!). And this time when he did shag someone else, does he not like you so much now?

And as for meeting her. Well for me it would be over.

But next time be clear about what you want/expect.

80s · 13/06/2023 18:00

Until I was exclusive with someone I'd normally expect them to keep it to themselves whether they were sleeping with others - and use condoms - but if they specifically said "we can be non-exclusive if you want" then I might well think "gosh, a really super-open person who advocates free love and might be up for a threesome".

Opentooffers · 13/06/2023 18:00

Why say you are cool about being non-exclusive when asked if you are not? That's a strange thing to say, but I'm wondering if the way he phrased things was so that youd be lead down a path of saying what you thought he wanted. The way he came out with it around the time he was going away, indicates that he probably had an idea that he'd like the freedom and I think you found yourself saying what he wanted.
It's clear you want different things out of a relationship, I think it's best to end this with him, there'd be no going back for me. He'd lead you into this by manipulation.
Next time somebody asks - and they will, it's how it's done these days and I'm in my 50's - just either say what you want, or turn it around and ask what their opinion is.

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:00

Also I am assuming you made it pretty obvious you weren't sleeping with other men??

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:01

@80s I must say I did wonder about the threesome with how keen he was to introduce both women he is sleeping with. Or is this the done thing now?

Sidge · 13/06/2023 18:02

So he offered exclusivity, you said no, he told you he’d been with someone else and now you’re upset and don’t trust him?

Crikey talk about mixed messages.

If you don’t want your boyfriend to see other people, tell them you don’t want them to see other people. Don’t pretend you’re cool with it then get the hump when they do what you told them they could do!

80s · 13/06/2023 18:03

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:01

@80s I must say I did wonder about the threesome with how keen he was to introduce both women he is sleeping with. Or is this the done thing now?

Maybe he didn't know if it was the done thing either :D and was trying to be as super-cool about non-exclusivity as OP!

Sandra1984 · 13/06/2023 18:03

WhamBamThankU · 13/06/2023 17:53

Sorry OP but it sounds like you gave him free reign. He tried to ask if you wanted to be exclusive and you didn't commit.

Exactly. OP has given very mixed messages to this poor sod who is now a bit confused. Tells him she doesn’t want to be exclusive then gets all pissy when he sleeps with someone else. Why not be honest with him and yourself and tell him what you really really want?

Landndialamrhf · 13/06/2023 18:05

Why are you not at any point just saying what you want?
he keeps asking and you keep saying no whatever
and then he does whatever and it turns out that wasn’t ok.

i think he’s taken a step back from the relationship because you made it sound like you just wanted to sleep together and not progress things. Which is why he’s now doing a v weird thing of introducing you to another person that he’s just sleeping with too.