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Original poster

Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

184 replies

Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 17:29

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 13/06/2023 18:05

Sounds like he wanted to be exclusive and you gave him the brush off.
If I was him I'd feel you weren't invested in the relationship. You can't suggest he's untrustworthy when he's been so clear and honest.
He sounds nice. Just stop playing games and see how things develop. Start by telling him what you really want!!

Shapemyeyebrows · 13/06/2023 18:06

@Sunshine776 well he said just before this happened that he has a different opportunity and he didn’t take it because he liked you too much. Yet not long after that, he slept with someone else? Then thinks you should meet this girl he slept with???? Sorry, but after 3 months of dating and the above happening I would be saying my goodbyes, if he was that into you he wouldn’t be sleeping with someone else. And the fact he wants you to meet this other woman is very odd.

perfectcolourfound · 13/06/2023 18:08

It's concerning that you haven't been honest with him. He tried to have the exclusivity chat and you avoided / said you were cool. More than once. That sent him the clear message that you weren't bothered about being exclusive and were 'cool' about him seeing other women.

So you can't criticise him for doing it. The fact he was honest about it shows he thought that's what you'd both agreed.

If a relationship is going to success, you HAVE to be honest about what you are looking for. If you aren't honest, you're setting yourself up to be hurt.

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:10

I get the OP wasn't terribly clear but he still did say the first time he could have slept with someone else he didn't as he liked OP too much. So what changed? That's what I would focus on to be honest.

80s · 13/06/2023 18:11

he still did say the first time he could have slept with someone else he didn't as he liked OP too much. So what changed?
She made it even clearer that she was fine with him sleeping with other women:
"We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything."

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:13

I still would assume if I was OP that he wasn't as into her. But that's just me. If I liked someone a lot I wouldn't sleep with someone else.

But he must be super hot to have all these women throwing themselves at him!

Wishimaywishimight · 13/06/2023 18:14

Why do you keep making out how "cool" you are with non-exclusity when clearly you are not.

Have another conversation and try being honest. He's not a mind reader.

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:14

I still think he's angling for a threesome

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/06/2023 18:15

Oh God, how can anyone put up with this sort of relationship? In my opinion if you're sleeping with someone it should be exclusive unless it's a prearranged friends with benefits thing.

80s · 13/06/2023 18:17

he must be super hot to have all these women throwing themselves at him!
😁I reckon it's the breakfasts. My bf is well aware that he can hook me in with that.

MichaelAndEagle · 13/06/2023 18:17

Wishimaywishimight · 13/06/2023 18:14

Why do you keep making out how "cool" you are with non-exclusity when clearly you are not.

Have another conversation and try being honest. He's not a mind reader.

Totally this.
These days people tend to be dating, and need to have that chat. Having sex doesn't necessarily mean you're exclusive.
He asked.....twice.....you should have said you'd like to be exclusive.

Seaoftroubles · 13/06/2023 18:18

You should have been clear as he's taken your comments as not being bothered about exclusivity. However, saying she was really nice and 'just like you' and then inviting you both to his party seems very weird!

AscensionToCheese · 13/06/2023 18:18

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:13

I still would assume if I was OP that he wasn't as into her. But that's just me. If I liked someone a lot I wouldn't sleep with someone else.

But he must be super hot to have all these women throwing themselves at him!

If I liked someone a lot but they strung me along like the OP I would most definitely sleep with someone else though. Then probably ditch them.

Doggymummar · 13/06/2023 18:21

I met my partner a decade ago OLD and you HAVE to have the conversation however excruciating it is. I was dating multiple people before him and so was he but we clicked and after about 6 weeks I said I would like to be exclusive. We hadn't slept together or had sX by this time but I had growing feelings. it does need to spelled out so boundaries are clear.

supercali77 · 13/06/2023 18:23

Maybe ive been out with too many game players but it crossed my mind that him talking so openly about 2 other women and sleeping with one of them, that he might be pushing your hand for exclusivity (because you seemed so nonchalant about it)

pollykitty · 13/06/2023 18:24

So he asked you if you wanted to be exclusive twice, you laughed it off, and now you’re upset ge slept with someone else?! What am I missing. He sounds refreshingly honest and upfront and you sound like a nightmare at communicating what you really want. My now DH did the same after we had been dating a few months. He said, are you my girlfriend? I want to be exclusive. And I said yes I’d like that too. It’s not hard.

Original poster
Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 18:27

Hi everyone- thank you for your comments on this.
i know i havent been clear, I was embarrassed to ask - not dated in so long so i felt it was a big ask!

I think I want to try and have that exclusive chat with him tonight, I know he will say yes in a heartbeat. I do think he is decent and he said we could be exclusive if thats what I wanted.
There are loads of things that dont make sense like wanting to introduce me to this new ‘freind’ which need to be nipped in the bud because they are very confusing. I do think he has otherwise been extremely decent.

Cringing at the thought of it but i think its worth a discussion

OP posts:
TwoBoysTooMany76 · 13/06/2023 18:28

@Sunshine776 I’m sorry but the way I read your OP, this one is on you. You explicitly turned down exclusivity when offered twice. You have no right to be crossed he slept with someone else. You literally gave him the go-ahead when he was hinting after the first opportunity, to seal the deal between you! You seem to have confused not being possessive with not being exclusive.

I’m 46 and also dating a lovely guy, in his 40s too. I deleted the dating app we met on after we slept together (this was what I wanted to do, I didn’t discuss with him or checked on him!) and I no longer have any desire to meet anyone else. It’s only been about 7 weeks but we are spending some weekends together, spending the odd night with each other, making future plans together, we are open about what we are doing when we don’t see each other…

We both have our own lives, I’m not possessive either. He’s been on weekends away etc and I’ve been away on holiday with my DCs. We check in with each other a healthy amount but not obsessively so. As far as I am concerned, he is a free man at the moment and so am I, but I’m keen on him, so I’m not trying to meet other people.

If he is, and I find out about it, I will be disappointed and he clearly doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him and it would be over. But if he spoke to me about exclusivity tomorrow and it’s still early days, I would be honest and said while we are still getting to know each other, I would prefer exclusivity so we can concentrate on that. Doesn’t mean we have to label our relationship yet. Why would you not have communicated that as that‘s clearly what you wanted?

LadyJ2023 · 13/06/2023 18:33

Exclusivity I hate the word your either together or not it seems to be the latest craze. He slept with someone then kick him out you really want him dipping elsewhere then back to you. Yuck I'm not even old and that's disgusting to me.

doitwithlove · 13/06/2023 18:33

@Sunshine776 I agree you need to have the chat with this guy, can you ask him what he wants whilst having this discussion. Personally, I would need to know he is on the same page as me.

Shapemyeyebrows · 13/06/2023 18:35

@Sunshine776 just because he technically could do something doesn’t mean he should. If he really liked you he wouldn’t have done that considering he's been dating you for 3 months. I would imagine he was under the impression you weren't considering sleeping with others. I also think it’s very bizarre one week he wouldn’t do anything with a potential because of “how much he likes you” then the next week he’s sleeping with another woman, befriending her and inviting her to his party so you two can meet? I have a feeling this guy isn’t as great as you think….hope I’m wrong for your sake.

LadyH846 · 13/06/2023 18:38

I'm just wondering why you told him you were cool and didn't need to be exclusive? It sounds like you did want to be exclusive. Are you not communicating what you really want, for some reason?

supercali77 · 13/06/2023 18:38

@Shapemyeyebrows I agree. It all sounds a bit mental. Nobody (unless they're part of 'The lifestyle') would be like 'great! Can't wait to meet this other person you're shagging' 🙄

ZenNudist · 13/06/2023 18:41

I'd ditch him. If he finds it that easy to cheat on you then he's not worth it. I think the "exclusive chat" as you are calling it is bollocks. If he really liked you and saw a future with you then he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

GreyCarpet · 13/06/2023 18:41

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:10

I get the OP wasn't terribly clear but he still did say the first time he could have slept with someone else he didn't as he liked OP too much. So what changed? That's what I would focus on to be honest.

Probably the fact she made it clear she wasn't exclusive (even though she was!)

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