Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

[Sunshine776]

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

You might not be familiar with establishing exclusivity but honestly, it is very commonplace in OLD. It saves a lot of trouble later on. For instance this could be if one party is keener on the other and has assumed both are happy just to see each other, but the other is still swiping as they like the company and sex well enough but think there might be someone better suited long term out there. People meet with no context about each other so it's better to be direct.

If you've been together 3 months and are older I think it goes without saying you should be exclusive. Sleeping with someone else is really disrespectful and of course he would know it would hurt you. I personally would bin him off because of this. Why are you giving him another chance?

Seriously? He asked her to be exclusive. Twice. She said no. Twice. This no means she wants to see others. Or doesn’t care if he does.

read the op.

I suspect this guy does quite like the OP, hence bringing up/offering exclusivity first, and still hanging round despite being told no.

But OP trying to play it cool wasn't just a misrepresentation of what she wanted but how much she was into him. He was told quite clearly that she doesn't care if he sleeps with other people, and that she's probably sleeping with other people herself - in other words, absent prior discussion of polyamory, she's not that into him. So however much he likes her, he's probably thinking he has to keep looking and keep his options open.

Obvious solution is that OP fesses up that she was trying to play it cool and was a bit of an idiot in that, and she actually does like him and would like to be exclusive. She doesn't get to be mad at him though, and there's every chance he'll be unimpressed at being messed around. Clear and honest communication without any game-playing is a red line for a lot of people!

It goes without saying even though the OP has declined to say she want's exclusively despite being asked twice?!

That makes as much sense as saying it goes without saying that a woman wants to have sex even if she tells you twice that she doesn't!

I think you were unwise being breezy but he put you in a tricky spot forcing you to be so direct about something that should be a given.

How is answering such an apparently obvious question possibly being put in a "tricky spot"? If the OP can't communicate about something personal that is apparently so obvious and incredibly simple, she should give up on relationships until she has learnt how to! I despair at the lack of communication between people sometimes... along with the tendency to twist anything to blame the man.

This with bells on ☝🏼

Im so sorry that ive taken forever to reply, thank you all for your lovely messages.

I agree, I wasnt clear with him, and I know he had a 2 year mutual ‘open’ relationship with a previous girlfriend after his divorce 9 years ago so i really should have said i wanted to be exclusive but really didn't believe that I was worth an exclusive relationship. I need to work on my self esteem, its battered from my ex.

Anyway I sat him down told him i got it all wrong, was playing it cool and wanted to be just him and I. He said that was perfectly fine. I told him that i didnt want the girl coming to the party, he said that was fine, but she was nice, but that it was totally fine and she will now no longer attend.

He felt upset as I’d said yesterday that I wasn't sure if I trusted him, as he had never lied to me, and did i know how much he cares about me and wants us to have a future together and if there is a wedding he will be joking about this during his wedding speech 🙈.

I know from my description that he and i sounded like a FWB type arrangement, however we see one another 4/5 times a week, so it does feel more than that.

I realise ive been a total idiot with him and youve all been so patient with me but there is one thing bothering me. A freind who has experience re her husband tells me be that because boyfreind had many girlfriends in the past some of them ‘open’ even though he says he will be exclusive and sees a future for us he will fall back into old habits eventually causing me stress, that you cant teach an old dog new tricks. I dont know if this is true, only had 4 in bed partners in my life!

Thing is, we are all different. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that, but you seem determined to accept and blame yourself.
If he had a previous open relationship for 2 years, why did that end? The answer to that might help you.

Glad you have sorted it Op. I still think that seeing him 4/5 times per week for three months is no longer a swipe left type of arrangement, and that the exclusivity discussion should not have been required on his part, however truthful he feels he is. It put you in a tricky spot. Of course you are worth exclusivity. Believe in yourself OP.

I also still find it really weird that he even suggested bringing this girl to a party you would be at because ‘she was lovely and you’d get along’ and thought that appropriate. I am sure he is nice if you think he is. Just beware of being gaslit, that is all I will say.

Sunshine776

you tread carefully here

im still baffled that you’ve been seeing each other all week , he’s claiming adoration but after a vague convo (and he knows your experience and history ) he still merrily fucked another woman

and he’s got form

sorry ! Don’t like the sound of this one 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP, if it makes you feel any better, I'm a man who got around a bit in my younger days. Dated multiple people at the same time, a couple of threesomes and an open relationship.

I met my DP nearly 16 years ago and I've been entirely faithful and monogamous since. We had one conversation a couple of years (brought up by a TV show) where we discussed the idea of opening the relationship up, and she was deeply against it, so that was the end of that and it's now consigned to fantasy.

I don't think I really believe in monogamy, but I want to be with her and she does, so that's the trade off.

If your guy is really a good guy, then he'll be the same. If he's not, then he'll start pushing your boundaries. Learn to identify when that's happening and you'll be ok

Joking about this scenario at the wedding.🙄
Explaining to him about the other girl and he still says she's nice.🤔
He sounds predatory.

I think maybe you need to work on assertiveness and boundaries.

@Sunshine776 Glad you got it clarified. My last boyfriend was non-monogamous but when we decided to pursue a relationship, I said I would only do it as a monogamous relationship. He agreed but then proceeded to talk about exploring non-monogamy for the two years we were together. It really fucked with me and my self-worth. Eventually, I saw the light and dumped him and he tried to crawl his way back by saying it was just a ‘thought experiment’ and he always wanted to be monogamous with me. Never again will I date someone who is non-monogamous… so, just tread carefully.

P.S. My ex was dating another girl when we first met and he had talked about us meeting as well so I can see where your boyfriend is coming from by inviting his shag to his birthday party. I was like hell no, but the fact he wanted two of his ‘adoring’ dates to meet should have been the biggest red flag ever. Sorry! Just sharing my experience…

Mnehhhh. Something bothers me about it all. On paper it looks bizarrely logical, you brushed off the chat about exclusivity, he assumed open so off he went and shagged someone else, told you about it, and invited her to a party. Some might call that open and honest and straightforward. But then he's dropping marriage hints. Something feels, odd about it. But perhaps that's just that he clearly doesn't seem bothered by non monogamy? I guess yeah, that's the thing you might want a conversation about? Bevause you clearly are monogamous

And agree with a pp that when it's now clear it bothered you, and you've asked for this woman not to come to the party, he's still giving it 'but she's really nice'. At best he lacks social grace, at worst...he's testing the edges

You're 42 and I guess not about to start a family with this bloke? So you can keep seeing him without pressure - no need to move in together or anything for years, or at all, if you don't want to? How about if you try it out for a bit longer and see how it progresses? You'll be able to judge his character better as you get to know him. This is what I've been doing with my dp for the last 6 years - he too has a long history of short relationships/flings. I got together with him thinking he was a good-time guy, but it turns out there's more to him than that. He's much more reliable than my Good GuyTM exh, who turned out to be a bit of a shit with a roving eye. Some people in their 40s have quite a history - more than those in their 20s - and well, they have the experience to go with it.
Talking about marriage early on can be a red flag - hope it was really just a flippant joke and not future faking. But for now, maybe just have a bit of fun?

OP, I would be a tad cautious with his past "love life curriculum" of open relationships. Monogamy doesn't work for everyone (specially men), you need to have a deep conversation and find out if monogamy works for him or not. That's the only part that would concern me. If someone whose been eating cheesecake for years told me he doesn't like it any more and wants chocolate cake from now on I would be a tad... wary.

Both my first long term partner,10 years 2 dc, and my now dh, 17 years and numerous dgc had open relationships prior to meeting me both got told I wasn't interested and both completely reformed. So please don't judge him on past actions as finding your one changes things.

From your update, I doubt he will be happy in an exclusive relationship after a while.
I doubt he will do much for your self esteem, in the long run.

I would get rid now before you fall for him more

You’re to blame for this by trying too hard to play the cool girlfriend role. You clearly aren’t cool with him shagging other women yet played it off each time he asked as if you were. This is the sort of thing I’d expect from a much younger woman than you, someone who didn’t have the self esteem or confidence to say what they actually wanted.

@Sartre The op already said she's out of a previously abusive relationship, excercise a little kindness - people often come put of those with low self esteem

With your update particularly, I feel the same as Supercali77 in that it made perfect sense that you said 'haha no, I don't believe in exclusivity!' and so he kept dating others, but not that he told you so much and tried to bring you and the other lady together (why?) now is talking not only about marriage but about laughing about your concerns in front of everyone. Also that he has had open relationships before. Nothing wrong in that, no judgement but I feel as though he may have spotted you have quite low self esteem and thinks he can bring you into that type of arrangement when all you really said originally (and have now retracted) was that you didn't want to date exclusively. It all adds up but doesn't feel quite right if I'm honest.

Sorry if that is slightly at odds with my previous messages but those are my impressions following your update.

He may be fine but I think at the least be very clear that you are interested in a monogamous relationship with no involvement with others, not now and not ever, and you're not looking to particularly become friends with his ex lovers. That was an odd thing of him to suggest. If he implies that is boring, or you should give it a go then bid him farewell.

I just get the impression that he may be a bit of a twisty one. Coupled with someone naive and unsure of themselves that's not always a great recipe. Not saying write him off instantly, as to be fair, you were unclear yourself. Just please don't find yourself agreeing to things you wouldn't otherwise do to please him.

@Sunshine776 I agree with other posters that something just seems off about all this. You were seeing this guy 4/5 times a week, and whilst maybe you weren’t clear about exclusivity I just can’t imagine he was under the impression that at 3 months in seeing each other 4/5 times a week you would be fine with him sleeping with someone else. I also find it bizarre him even thinking about you meeting this other girl meeting and then him reiterating again that she was “nice” when you said you didn’t want to meet. Also the comment about him saying he will be joking about this about your wedding, as though it’s like oh silly you! When in reality he’s actually been sleeping with and seeing you a LOT but then slept with another girl?! I really do hope I am wrong for your sake but what I read about him just gives me bad vibes….