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Original poster

Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

184 replies

Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 17:29

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/06/2023 09:31

PaintedEgg · 14/06/2023 09:23

Having exclusivity chat is important because it sets up expectations for both sides

We can criticise the guy all we want but we don't know how he felt when he has asked if you can be exclusive going forward and you basically told him you don't care

Being told someone is not that into you / doesn't care to be exclusive does change the attitude towards the growing relationship

as a woman, if someone told me point blank, while laughing nervously, they don't care to be in an exclusive relationship with me I would not think of this person as anything more than FWB from that point on

He does sound a little confused of how these types of relations are supposed to work so maybe that's why he has told you about his other f-buddy

Agree with all of this.

Primor · 14/06/2023 10:04

You’re playing games. He clearly wanted you to say yes to exclusivity before, yet you decided to play at being breezy.

supercali77 · 14/06/2023 10:44

Look irrespective of the exclusivity chat, the fact is that telling someone you're seeing that you f*cked someone else and would they like to meet is just...no. ffs nobody is that cool unless they met on a swingers site. Agree with a pp who said he's a game playing twat. Either he's trying to get OP jealous or seeing what he can get away with. No man is so stupid as to think this revelation wouldn't upset a woman.

supercali77 · 14/06/2023 10:46

Also, in dating, if you want exclusivity. You say you want it. What he did was raise it, and ask op if she wanted it. He's a game player and personally I'd throw him back.

MMmomDD · 14/06/2023 11:03

OP - you need to be clear with what you want, not pretend you are cool worn anything and then get upset. Or make him to be untrustworthy.
He was hinting he was looking to be exclusive - else he won’t be bringing it up. But you appeared not to want it - and he played along.
Early dating is a strange dance - people don’t know what to do - to not offend or to not come on too strong.
He didn’t have to tell you anything - and it was silly of him to be telling you.

Anyway. It does seem the two of you like each other. Give it a go - but with honest communication.

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 11:08

Deathbyfluffy · 14/06/2023 08:20

Or perhaps if the OP hadn’t been so vague, nothing would need clarifying?

Show quote history

Does it really need clarifying that much that if you’ve been dating a guy for 3 months he’s not fucking other people and telling you about it? A decent guy who’s really into the OP is not going to want to be fucking other people or using the “we’re not exclusive” yet as get out clause to get his end away.

To many people it just means you’re both keeping your options open re dating not that you’re actively fucking other people.

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 11:09

@supercali77

Agreed. It’s telling that he didn’t say “I want to be exclusive how about you”.

Harrypewter · 14/06/2023 11:13

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 11:08

Does it really need clarifying that much that if you’ve been dating a guy for 3 months he’s not fucking other people and telling you about it? A decent guy who’s really into the OP is not going to want to be fucking other people or using the “we’re not exclusive” yet as get out clause to get his end away.

To many people it just means you’re both keeping your options open re dating not that you’re actively fucking other people.

Show quote history

I agree this man is leading the op in a merry dance.
What a wally.

ninjafoodienovice · 14/06/2023 11:46

You're not over thinking it - you just didn't think about it enough. He's asked you to be exclusive and you didn't confirm twice!!
So if you really like him and want him to be your boyfriend then you need to say it. I know it might feel cringe or whatever but it needs to be said.
With regards to this other person, frankly you only have yourself to blame about that but if you can move past it then now is the time to confirm you want to be exclusive and go ahead and enjoy your new relationship. He sounds fair and truthful.
You need to work on saying what you want, I suspect you've gone along with stuff because you feel embarrassed to talk about intimacy. Time to pull up your big girl pants and be a bit more assertive

piedbeauty · 14/06/2023 12:05

Wtf? Why would he even be interested in sleeping with someone else if he's really into you?

And why the fuck would he think you'd want to meet her?

Bizarre.

Gymgoingfool · 14/06/2023 12:14

If I asked a bloke twice to be exclusive and he said no, I’d one hundred percent think that meant we were both free to see others. Becayde that’s what it means.

id be as dumbfounded as him if the bloke then indicated he actually had wanted exclusivity and was just being teenage cool kid . In fact I’d get the ick.

he asked you. You said no, which means you told him you wanted to see others and not be exclusive to him. You don’t get to then be pissed if he acts on your repeated assertion

Gymgoingfool · 14/06/2023 12:15

piedbeauty · 14/06/2023 12:05

Wtf? Why would he even be interested in sleeping with someone else if he's really into you?

And why the fuck would he think you'd want to meet her?

Bizarre.

Becayde she told him she didn’t want to be exclusive. Twice. Meaning she wanted to see others. Did you not read the op?

NCMum79 · 14/06/2023 12:18

@Gymgoingfool But would you then you tell bloke 1 you slept with bloke 2 and then invite bloke 2 to a party and suggest the 2 of them meet? That's the bit that I think many of us find pretty suspect. Either he lacks social graces or he's a triangulating player.

PaintedEgg · 14/06/2023 12:23

@NCMum79 or he invited his other lover and clumsily explained that to OP or it would have been really awkward chat

Minikievs · 14/06/2023 12:33

If I put myself out there and asked a guy (twice) if he wanted to be exclusive, and he said "no, I'm cool with non exclusive" I'd feel like an utter bellend and would assume that he's sleeping with other people or is at least wanting to.
You cannot be upset with him for doing exactly that.
You reap what you sow OP, sorry.

I do think he sounds honest and upfront and decent. Other than the wanting you to meet the other woman, which is weird.

guineacup · 14/06/2023 13:25

ZenNudist · 13/06/2023 18:41

I'd ditch him. If he finds it that easy to cheat on you then he's not worth it. I think the "exclusive chat" as you are calling it is bollocks. If he really liked you and saw a future with you then he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

He's not cheated on her! The OP has told him twice she's not ready to be exclusive, so he's taken her at her word! He's presumably thinking the OP wants an open relationship, and why wouldn't he?

OP - I've no idea what you're playing at, and why you're acting like this given your feelings for him, and you've been with him three months too, and clearly sleeping together frequently given that he's been giving you breakfasts. Just why?! I'm completely baffled!

guineacup · 14/06/2023 13:29

So if you really like him and want him to be your boyfriend then you need to say it. I know it might feel cringe or whatever but it needs to be said.

I really don't get the cringe bit here... If you can't even broach an exclusivity conversation, and deflect when he offers, it doesn't bode well at all for your relationship as it's clear you are unable to communicate on anything remotely personal.

guineacup · 14/06/2023 13:30

piedbeauty · 14/06/2023 12:05

Wtf? Why would he even be interested in sleeping with someone else if he's really into you?

And why the fuck would he think you'd want to meet her?

Bizarre.

Why would she refuse exclusively if she was really into him?!

For once, just for once, it would be nice if some posters recognise that the one at fault doesn't always have to be the man!

guineacup · 14/06/2023 13:33

And why the fuck would he think you'd want to meet her?

Because she has very clearly said she has said she's cool with them sleeping with others, with the implication that she's free and open in her views on sex and sexual partners. Maybe he's hoping for a threesome? Given the OPs track record, the man might well believe he has a chance!

DorritLittle · 14/06/2023 13:34

supercali77 · 14/06/2023 10:44

Look irrespective of the exclusivity chat, the fact is that telling someone you're seeing that you f*cked someone else and would they like to meet is just...no. ffs nobody is that cool unless they met on a swingers site. Agree with a pp who said he's a game playing twat. Either he's trying to get OP jealous or seeing what he can get away with. No man is so stupid as to think this revelation wouldn't upset a woman.

This.

Also this:
Exclusively should be a given once you are spending this amount of time, staying over etc

I think you were unwise being breezy but he put you in a tricky spot forcing you to be so direct about something that should be a given. Exclusivity discussions - such a pile of nonsense.

guineacup · 14/06/2023 13:37

RenoDakota · 14/06/2023 08:53

Oh ffs, surely these 'exclusive' conversations are for teenagers.
If he is having sex with other people and telling you about it he is a game playing twat.

You clearly haven't done OLD...

PaintedEgg · 14/06/2023 13:55

DorritLittle · 14/06/2023 13:34

This.

Also this:
Exclusively should be a given once you are spending this amount of time, staying over etc

I think you were unwise being breezy but he put you in a tricky spot forcing you to be so direct about something that should be a given. Exclusivity discussions - such a pile of nonsense.

Show quote history

how is he putting her in a tricky spot by asking for some clarity? from his perspective she laughed at him and heavily implied she sleeps with other people

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/06/2023 13:59

Minikievs · 14/06/2023 12:33

If I put myself out there and asked a guy (twice) if he wanted to be exclusive, and he said "no, I'm cool with non exclusive" I'd feel like an utter bellend and would assume that he's sleeping with other people or is at least wanting to.
You cannot be upset with him for doing exactly that.
You reap what you sow OP, sorry.

I do think he sounds honest and upfront and decent. Other than the wanting you to meet the other woman, which is weird.

All of this.

He got slapped back twice. What was he to think?

Heronmunching · 14/06/2023 14:00

I can see both sides here … that he’s a player looking for a threesome v he’s a nice slightly spineless guy who thinks that’s what she wants so the poor love is off sleeping with other people to prove he’s equally cool - neither bodes well really .

ButterflyParody · 14/06/2023 14:01

You made a mistake by not telling him how you actually felt and that you didn’t want either of you sleeping with others, he even opened a dialogue about it twice.

Men irritate me very easily, I haven’t met many I actually like but he hasn’t cheated on you.

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