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Original poster

Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

184 replies

Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 17:29

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 13/06/2023 18:42

ZenNudist · 13/06/2023 18:41

I'd ditch him. If he finds it that easy to cheat on you then he's not worth it. I think the "exclusive chat" as you are calling it is bollocks. If he really liked you and saw a future with you then he wouldn't have slept with someone else.

He didn't cheat though.

She made it clear twice that she wasn't exclusive with him and he acted accordingly.

As far as he knows, she could be sleeping with a few other people.

JoanThursday1972 · 13/06/2023 18:44

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 13/06/2023 17:59

If I offered someone exclusive twice and they laughed it off, and said they were cool with not being, I'd fully assume they were still dating and just didn't want to say and therefore would do the same. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦‍♀️. He offered. Twice, and you brushed him off. You can't actually now can't complain he's treated you as a very nice FWB. Which is what you appeared to be with your replies to him.

Dating nowadays is a numbers game, so honesty is very much needed. And that includes if you both expect to be exclusive or not.

Trying to be the cool girl?

80s · 13/06/2023 18:45

not dated in so long so i felt it was a big ask!
It doesn't mean "I think this relationship is really going somewhere" and it's not a promise to stay together - it really just means that you are not into sleeping around and don't want him to either.
You could just laugh about modern dating, say you think you got the wrong end of the stick/probably gave the wrong impression, as you don't like the idea of multiple partners.

fearfulexchange · 13/06/2023 18:48

First relationship post divorce, bloke did the same to me. We became 'exclusive' turns out he carried on sleeping with other women anyway 🙄 do yourself a favour get rid!

Mirabai · 13/06/2023 18:51

At 42 you’re far too old for this nonsense. And so is he. You should have said you wanted exclusivity but if you had he would have slept with girl anyway and dumped you.

Throw this one back and be clear next time. Stay well clear of men who tell you about other woman that they could have slept with but they liked you too much.

Mirabai · 13/06/2023 18:52

Or did sleep with them because they didn’t like you enough.

Mirabai · 13/06/2023 18:52

fearfulexchange · 13/06/2023 18:48

First relationship post divorce, bloke did the same to me. We became 'exclusive' turns out he carried on sleeping with other women anyway 🙄 do yourself a favour get rid!

Exactly. He’s not a keeper. Throw back.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/06/2023 18:52

I would be saying bye bye

that he thinks it’s ok to sleep with someone while in a 3 month relationship with you says loads, and then wants you to meet her!

no dump and move on

Mirabai · 13/06/2023 18:55

Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 18:27

Hi everyone- thank you for your comments on this.
i know i havent been clear, I was embarrassed to ask - not dated in so long so i felt it was a big ask!

I think I want to try and have that exclusive chat with him tonight, I know he will say yes in a heartbeat. I do think he is decent and he said we could be exclusive if thats what I wanted.
There are loads of things that dont make sense like wanting to introduce me to this new ‘freind’ which need to be nipped in the bud because they are very confusing. I do think he has otherwise been extremely decent.

Cringing at the thought of it but i think its worth a discussion

Missed this, no no don’t compound your mistake.

He doesn’t want to be exclusive. Anyone dating 3 months in who uses the “she didn’t say we were exclusive” GOOJF card to fuck someone else and offer to introduce you is not serious.

Tontostitis · 13/06/2023 18:57

Why on earth are you being 'cool' especially you are anything but. Sit him down, apologise say you handled it wrong you are only into him and want him to be only into you. If, you've blown this then take a harsh lesson from it and start being honest. The men who like 'cool' women are not worth having.

Greenfree · 13/06/2023 18:58

You left so you were both open to date other people, he could have thought that you were doing the same as you said you didn't want to be exclusive. I'd give him another chance and be clear about what you want. It is odd that he wanted you to meet this woman though

littleburn · 13/06/2023 19:09

The lesson to take from this is worry less about being the non-possessive cool girl and unapologetically communicate what you do want from a relationship.

LeekPeachPlum · 13/06/2023 19:18

Sorry OP, I agree with a PP he might not be as nice as it seems. It stands out to me that he said the two of you could be exclusive if you want. I think if he actually wanted exclusivity and was genuinely keen he would have been much clearer.

EBearhug · 13/06/2023 19:53

I'd give him another chance, because you've been really unclear about what you want - you said you were cool with non-exclusivity when it's the opposite. No one's a mind-reader. Just be honest, say you thought you were okay with it, but the reality showed otherwise, so please can be exclusive now.

I'd also be asking if he used condoms. He should have, but...

FeigningConcern · 13/06/2023 19:58

You've basically told him a number of times your not that into him. Not sure why you'd do that? If you want to be exclusive just say so. Stop fucking about.

coxesorangepippin · 13/06/2023 20:05

He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

^

Well he's so fit isn't he and you're such a lucky girl

🤔

jajajajaja · 13/06/2023 20:09

said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever!

You said you were not bothered about being exclusive but now you are pissed that he slept with someone else? Seriously?

Tannedandfake · 13/06/2023 20:12

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/06/2023 17:49

So he's tried a number of times to clarify that you're in an exclusive relationship, and every time you've brushed him off and told him you're happy to be non exclusive.

Yet now you're miffed he's slept with someone else.

He's been honest with you, told you what he wants, and you've made it clear you just want him as a fuck buddy. He's been honest with you again when he's slept with someone else, so that you're aware and have all the information, and then when he's realised that there's been a massive miscommunication, hes again offered you the choice of what you want this relationship to be.

If a man tells you he wants to be exclusive, and you want to be exclusive, the correct response is not "No, I'm cool with being not exclusive"

Absolutely this!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/06/2023 20:43

Ah fuck this for a game of tennis
is he some pussy magnet here ?

id be put off by him shagging someone and I’ll politely wave this one off tbh

Truestorypeeps · 13/06/2023 20:49

Nevermind the double dipping, why in god's name would he keen for you two to be introduced and why would he think that appeals to you? Setting up a threesome?

ArcticSkewer · 13/06/2023 20:51

He thinks you are into non monogamy and casual sex with others while dating.

That's what it means when you tell someone, twice in fact, you are not bothered about monogamous dating.

That's why he wants you to meet the other woman ... threesome maybe?

Maybe you could try saying what you mean. If you are not cool with non monogamy, then if someone asks you, how about you tell them that. It will save hassle.

This guy was happy to continue dating you while he thought you were sleeping with other men. I'm not sure he is as into you as you think he is, or that he has potential to be as faithful as you hope. It's a bit of an adventure for a single man after a long time monogamous in a marriage. They are often like small boys let loose in sweet shops.

Aliceinunderland · 13/06/2023 21:01

Have I understood correctly...he asked you if you wanted your relationship to be exclusive and you effectively didn't say yes but instead rather have the impression that you were happy being non exclusive? Sounds like what you said and what you wanted were 2 different things

Quitelikeit · 13/06/2023 21:13

He slept with the second person because why shouldn’t he? There was a mutual opportunity and they both took it

The only icky thing is that he wanted you to meet her?! I refuse to believe any guy would think this acceptable

I wonder if he was testing the water to see if you were jealous

Harrypewter · 13/06/2023 21:22

GreyCarpet · 13/06/2023 18:42

He didn't cheat though.

She made it clear twice that she wasn't exclusive with him and he acted accordingly.

As far as he knows, she could be sleeping with a few other people.

Show quote history

There's zero objectivity, although it's clear to me the op is implying an exclusive setup.
Honestly, i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever!

He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that I allowed him to be non-exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

He just returned last night from a week away and told me that he slept with a friend he made.

What is going on, one min he liked the op so much he refused an offer of sex, the next time he admits to having sex with another and invites her to a party the op would be attending. The liking didn't last long, did it?
This guy is a walking playboy or completely insensitive. The op admits to being rather taken aback by the situation hence the passivity.

It's an interesting thread because I've just had a similar conversation recently, exclusive, means relationship, monogamous, etc, etc. It also means stopping chatting about others. Just because society is renaming or relabeling something doesn't hide human feelings and reactions to behavior.

acpk55 · 13/06/2023 21:25

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 13/06/2023 17:57

He asked you outright twice, and both times you said you were OK with non-exclusivity. You can't say one thing and then be upset when he is with other women.

100% this, sorry, you can’t say one thing to his face , then be upset about it after the event 🤷‍♂️

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