Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

[Sunshine776]

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

Men are simple black and white creatures sometimes. You said non exclusive so he slept with someone else. Now you both agreed to be exclusive but his past bothers you. Unfortunately men rarely come along with perfect form and wrapped in cling form with a perfect past, sometimes you just have to take a chance with them but keep your boundaries in check to ensure nothing is going awry.

Fuck that OP. I agree with @Shapemyeyebrows and @Sunshine776

I wish you all the best, but I'm sceptical about him. I haven't read all of your posts so maybe that's why.....but so far I'm not impressed. It's true that you didn't communicate as well as you could have, but I'm wondering if there's something about him that made you feel like you couldn't be honest about your feelings.

we haven't had the exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want

Wow what a prince. Reminds me an awful lot of when men say 'Well we haven't spoken about marriage yet but we can get married if you want to'.

Note the 'if you want to', because it'll probably be relevant one day.

It's not quite the enthusiasm that most women are looking for is it? It's actually quite flattening when someone keeps going 'Yeah we can do that I suppose....if you want to', and I have a feeling it won't be the last time that sort of attitude comes up. I have an image of him being quite cool and breezy and tapping you on your silly little head for raising certain topics or being emotional.

Also, if he was that keen on you, I don't think he would have had sex with that other woman. It just comes across like he couldn't bear to wait even just a little while. Then, when things were getting a bit uncomfortable for him, he dangled a little carrot in front of you by talking about a potential wedding day so that hopefully you might think twice about 'not trusting' him in future.

This. Sorry OP but he sounds like a bit of a twat. A polite, charming twat, but still a twat.

And this.

I agree, I'm in my mid 40's and been dating since my 20's in between relationships, as long as there's an agreement exclusivity should never be assumed during the first months. Many people have lovers, FWB's or they simply want to keep their options open till they know the other person a bit more (which I think it's healthy as I believe in order to get into a committed relationship with someone you should get know them first). I'm not British, it may be a cultural thing but I've noticed the mentality here is as soon as you start dating someone there's quite a rush for getting involved and exclusivity is assumed. It's happened to me with English men, they tend to get a bit surprised when I tell them "lets casually date, get to know each other and in a few months if we get along lets take this a step further". Men who want to get exclusive and committed without knowing you before are usually bad news.

Men who want to get exclusive and committed without knowing you before are usually bad news.

@Sandra1984 or maybe these men just want to date a woman, get to know her, see how it goes, ie in old fashioned way, without the complications of having others in the picture? Or maybe I’m just showing my age!

If I really liked someone, had tge exclusively discussion and they wanted to ge non exclusive then I woukd assume they didn't want anything serious, that they were seeing other people, and that I should do the same.
If you like him, then make it exclusive and don't go on about the girl he slept with.

Fair enough, but people have "lives" (specially after a certain age) and to assume that I'm going to drop other relationships I enjoy just because I went on a couple of dates with some good looking guy I just met on Tinder is... IMO madness. You want to get to know someone a little bit and see if you're well suited for each other or he's a "good apple" before making changes in your lifestyle. Said this, telling someone you've dated for 3 months "either we go exclusive or I'm going to introduce you to this woman I'm currently shagging" (OP's case) is pretty callous and denotes insensitivity, cruelness, lack of social skills or plain manipulation which are all red flags. Honestly, I would take this guy with a pinch of salt.

this. I can’t understand what you’re upset about to be honest. Also, if it’s the right relationship he wouldn’t have shagged around imo!