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Original poster

Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

184 replies

Sunshine776 · 13/06/2023 17:29

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

OP posts:
MidsummerNightsDream · 13/06/2023 21:29

I’m of a similar age to you, OP and wouldn’t think these kinds of conversations were necessary. But he asked and you played it cool so I suppose he therefore thought that sleeping with someone else was going to be okay. Although, I’m not entirely sure that I would believe him. My reason for feeling this way is not the sleeping with someone else claim, I just find the fact that he’s invited her to meet you a bit… strange. Kind of feels a bit like he could be trying to push you to commit. Or she was someone he already knew/was sleeping with before, a colleague or an acquaintance. I could be wrong. I just smell a bit of a rat. If you were a friend of mine I think I’d advise just taking a bit of time to think things over. All the best.

doitwithlove · 14/06/2023 07:37

How did the chat go @Sunshine776 ?

Dery · 14/06/2023 07:47

Not read the full thread but @Sunshine776 - this is on you. He brought up exclusivity twice and you brushed him off both times. It feels like you were game-playing in doing so, tbh. If you wanted exclusivity, why didn’t you just say so? The message you gave him was that you didn’t care about exclusivity. This is the result. I don’t think this is irretrievable by the way. If you want to get over this (you may not, of course), you could say that this has made you realise you do want to be exclusive. But next time - say what you mean - don’t be evasive.

Flyinggeesei234 · 14/06/2023 07:56

OP it sounds to me like he’s trying to make you jealous to force the ‘exclusivity’ he wants.

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:02

It’s really interesting that so many posters have such low expectations of men that if someone has brushed off the exclusivity chat - basically from naivety - they think it gives blokes carte blanche to fuck someone else and tell them about it. I mean good manners while dating is entirely up to women to enforce apparently.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/06/2023 08:06

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 13/06/2023 17:49

So he's tried a number of times to clarify that you're in an exclusive relationship, and every time you've brushed him off and told him you're happy to be non exclusive.

Yet now you're miffed he's slept with someone else.

He's been honest with you, told you what he wants, and you've made it clear you just want him as a fuck buddy. He's been honest with you again when he's slept with someone else, so that you're aware and have all the information, and then when he's realised that there's been a massive miscommunication, hes again offered you the choice of what you want this relationship to be.

If a man tells you he wants to be exclusive, and you want to be exclusive, the correct response is not "No, I'm cool with being not exclusive"

Yeah, this.

Wtf was he supposed to think after you laughed off his attempts to discuss your relationship?

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:09

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/06/2023 08:06

Yeah, this.

Wtf was he supposed to think after you laughed off his attempts to discuss your relationship?

Show quote history

Clarify before he fucked someone else?

Williehollobooby · 14/06/2023 08:10

Grim. I completely agree with Mirabai, above.
If he was keen, it would be a given that you weren't actively looking for and having sex with others, let alone arranging meet ups!
I suspect there's a bit of naivety and being taken advantage of going on here.
Who led who down to this situation?

acpk55 · 14/06/2023 08:12

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:02

It’s really interesting that so many posters have such low expectations of men that if someone has brushed off the exclusivity chat - basically from naivety - they think it gives blokes carte blanche to fuck someone else and tell them about it. I mean good manners while dating is entirely up to women to enforce apparently.

So the man raises the issue twice and both times he gets the brush off, and it’s still his fault - for all the guy knows the OP is seeing other man,

talk about double standards

lifestylevlog · 14/06/2023 08:13

I don't understand the exclusive chat because, at my age, it's always been a given that you should be. However, this doesn't seem to be the situation anymore.

So, he asked you numerous times about being exclusive and you inferred you didn't want to be.

So he probably thinks you're seeing other people.

Just be honest and tell him how you feel and then move forward with him.

Judgyjudgy · 14/06/2023 08:13

Tbh your post is quite vague, it doesn't actually sound like you were clear about being exclusive. So if you like him, tell him. Communicate properly!

JandalsAlways · 14/06/2023 08:14

stillavid · 13/06/2023 18:10

I get the OP wasn't terribly clear but he still did say the first time he could have slept with someone else he didn't as he liked OP too much. So what changed? That's what I would focus on to be honest.

I think he was trying to hint and because she didn't sound like she particularly cared, that's why he slept with the next person

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:15

acpk55 · 14/06/2023 08:12

So the man raises the issue twice and both times he gets the brush off, and it’s still his fault - for all the guy knows the OP is seeing other man,

talk about double standards

Show quote history

No double standard it applies to both genders.

It’s his fault for fucking someone else without clarifying what OP’s reluctance to discuss what exclusivity means. If he was that into her he wouldn’t have wanted to fuck anyone else anyway. He might have known whether OP was seeing other men if he’d asked.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/06/2023 08:19

samestyle · 13/06/2023 17:52

Never bother with men that want to flaunt how many other women are after them, so unappealing and yes unnecessary, it sounds like a game for him to declare how much you want him to yourself and doesn't like it so throwing this shit at you.
If he was mature enough to want you in a relationship then he would set a good example of behaving like he just wanted you.

Also don't be afraid to say what you want in future, however this one has shown his true colours

Really? He offered her exclusivity, she said no, so he wasn’t exclusive.

I know this is MN but it’s really not the man who’s at fault here!
If the OP wanted exclusivity she could have had it - he was probably miffed that she didn’t, so went and found attention elsewhere.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/06/2023 08:20

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:09

Clarify before he fucked someone else?

Show quote history

Or perhaps if the OP hadn’t been so vague, nothing would need clarifying?

DumboLives · 14/06/2023 08:32

Honestly sounds like he wants to be exclusive but you are not reciprocating. Yes he went and slept with someone else but so could you, you both have the green light to do so.

You don’t own him, you were lukewarm to committing to the relationship and it sounds like he is trying to force your hand to either commit or quit the relationship. Your choice…

acpk55 · 14/06/2023 08:37

@Mirabai you are trying to defend say one thing and mean another, ( and somehow make out it’s the man’s fault) even my 5 year old knows better than that

Topseyt123 · 14/06/2023 08:43

How utterly ridiculous to say that you were fine with non-exclusivity when you are clearly not.

Stop trying to play cool. Cool is shit and doesn't work. Cool is silly. Fuck cool! I am proudly uncool and always have been.

jajajajaja · 14/06/2023 08:44

@Mirabai It’s his fault for fucking someone else without clarifying what OP’s reluctance to discuss what exclusivity means. If he was that into her he wouldn’t have wanted to fuck anyone else anyway. He might have known whether OP was seeing other men if he’d asked.

Wow, even when the OP gives a very straightforward answer that she was 'cool about being non-exclusive' you think it was his responsibility to 'clarify'? Please. I'm a grown woman. If I say something as clear as 'I'm cool about being non exclusive' then I don't need some man patronising me by demanding that I clarify. It was the OPs responsibility to communicate clearly. The message was loud and clear. She did not mind being non exclusive = we are not exclusive.

As for why he had sex with someone else? Maybe because the OP said she was cool about being non exclusive so he felt she wasn't fully into him.

Is there never a time the woman is in the wrong in your mind? Is there never a time the man is in the right?

Frogger8395 · 14/06/2023 08:50

and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

Just no. Regardless of these chats this is a really fucked up thing to do. Get rid.

RenoDakota · 14/06/2023 08:53

Oh ffs, surely these 'exclusive' conversations are for teenagers.
If he is having sex with other people and telling you about it he is a game playing twat.

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:54

jajajajaja · 14/06/2023 08:44

@Mirabai It’s his fault for fucking someone else without clarifying what OP’s reluctance to discuss what exclusivity means. If he was that into her he wouldn’t have wanted to fuck anyone else anyway. He might have known whether OP was seeing other men if he’d asked.

Wow, even when the OP gives a very straightforward answer that she was 'cool about being non-exclusive' you think it was his responsibility to 'clarify'? Please. I'm a grown woman. If I say something as clear as 'I'm cool about being non exclusive' then I don't need some man patronising me by demanding that I clarify. It was the OPs responsibility to communicate clearly. The message was loud and clear. She did not mind being non exclusive = we are not exclusive.

As for why he had sex with someone else? Maybe because the OP said she was cool about being non exclusive so he felt she wasn't fully into him.

Is there never a time the woman is in the wrong in your mind? Is there never a time the man is in the right?

It’s not a straightfoward answer is it because when OP said she was cool with not being exclusive she wasn’t and didn’t really grasp the implications.

I, as a ‘grown woman’, would ask a man what he meant by being ‘cool’ with not being exclusive. It could mean he was looking open relationship, that he was dating other people but not fucking them, that he’s looking for FWB, that he’s not that into me.

I’m saying should have clarified before fucking someone else because that’s what I would have done.

(I’m just ignoring the last comment as it’s too thick to bother with.)

Mirabai · 14/06/2023 08:54

RenoDakota · 14/06/2023 08:53

Oh ffs, surely these 'exclusive' conversations are for teenagers.
If he is having sex with other people and telling you about it he is a game playing twat.

Yep.

hugefanofcheese · 14/06/2023 09:10

Exclusivity chats are normal these days with OLD because it's assumed people have more than one conversation happening at the start so it's to confirm you're both on the same page and want to focus on seeing where things go with nobody else involved. It's not suggesting you get a mortgage together.

OP you've messed up here somewhat but he has also behaved oddly.

I agree you've implied that you're into, I don't know what, free love and he may be trying to fit in with that. Not sure why he has told you so much about the other women and suggested you meet?! To talk about what? His knob? I think an honest conversation all round is needed. He hasn't cheated or anything like that but could either be equally clueless or a bit of an oddball trying to push for threesomes etc.

PaintedEgg · 14/06/2023 09:23

Having exclusivity chat is important because it sets up expectations for both sides

We can criticise the guy all we want but we don't know how he felt when he has asked if you can be exclusive going forward and you basically told him you don't care

Being told someone is not that into you / doesn't care to be exclusive does change the attitude towards the growing relationship

as a woman, if someone told me point blank, while laughing nervously, they don't care to be in an exclusive relationship with me I would not think of this person as anything more than FWB from that point on

He does sound a little confused of how these types of relations are supposed to work so maybe that's why he has told you about his other f-buddy