Am I overthinking re ‘being exclusive’ discussion and really nice new boyfriend?

[Sunshine776]

Ok, Ive name changed for this. Im 42, divorced and have been seeing a lovely man for just over 3 months.

He is thoughtful, caring, makes me breakfast everytime so I can get ready for work as he works from home, pays more than his fair share when we are out etc.

We had a couple of discussions about exclusivity along the lines of him saying ‘we haven't had thé exclusive discussion yet but we can be exclusive if you want’. Honestly i last dated 20 years ago, so had no idea what to say to that so I sort of laughed nervously and said I was cool about being non exclusive or whatever! He then returned from a weekend with friends saying he has missed me, there was a girl there he could have had a chance with, and even though appreciated that i allowed him to be non exclusive, he didn't want to take anything further as he liked me too much.

We had a subsequent conversation where I also may have indicated the same that I was cool, I wasn’t possessive or anything. He just returned last night from a week away, and told me that he slept with a friend he made, it was a one off but she is lovely, so like me, and he has invited her to his birthday party next week so we can meet!

I was really upset, and he seemed quite taken aback thinking he hadn't done anything wrong in being intimate with this girl. He says we can be exclusive from today if thats what I want, it will be worth it, he was only ever faithful with his ex-wife, and he sees a future for us forever. We have had a few long term discussions before. He was upset when i said i didnt think i could trust him.

The last 3 months with him have been so giddy and perfect, I feel really thrown but wonder if i wasnt clear on what I wanted? As I didnt want him to be having sex with someone else but didnt think that this needed to be said!

Im seeing him again tonight and need to think what to say. I think the world has moved on since i last dated 20 years ago - i didnt think these things needed to be said.

Please let me know what I could say

It was daft of you to tell him you were fine with him having sex with others.
however, it seems that he can’t help himself. Who at 42 goes away and shags or nearly shags someone each time? I’m afraid you’ll never fully trust him when out of your sight- and you’d probably be right not to.
I’m also bothered by the way he’s love bombing about marriage but simultaneously making you insecure by praising and sleeping with other women.
Throw this one back OP. Think there’s heartbreak on the horizon if you don’t.

I’m also bothered by the way he’s love bombing about marriage but simultaneously making you insecure by praising and sleeping with other women.

This.

Yep.

He felt upset as I’d said yesterday that I wasn't sure if I trusted him, as he had never lied to me, and did i know how much he cares about me and wants us to have a future together and if there is a wedding he will be joking about this during his wedding speech

Offs. OP you can’t be this naive, surely.

Sartre · Today 11:10
You’re to blame for this by trying too hard to play the cool girlfriend role. You clearly aren’t cool with him shagging other women yet played it off each time he asked as if you were. This is the sort of thing I’d expect from a much younger woman than you, someone who didn’t have the self esteem or confidence to say what they actually wanted.

@Sartre Harsh but true. But the whole concept of exclusivity (or not) is just plain weird. If two people have been seeing each other for 3 months then exclusivity should be a given.

As a bloke, if you said that to me I would not think we were exclusive and if I got the opportunity to sleep with someone else, there was nothing in our relationship to stop me.

You can't equivocate on the exclusive chat. You either are or you are not.

OP he sounds like one of those blokes that you have to spell everything out to instead of them using their own brain 😐.

This with bells on

So after 3 months of meeting, 3-4 days every week you wouldn't believe this implies exclusivity. And there were feelings involved.
The ops partner obviously knew this because he mentioned marriage. Generally, if someone is thinking about marriage one doesn't bed another and attempt to bed another.

It's the answer she gave when he asked!

As you say, see each other for three months etc implies exclusivity. To double check, he asks her outright. And again. Both times she says nah mate I'm cool with us not being exclusive.

So he readjusts his expectations accordingly

FFS! Say what you mean and mean what you say. Not having dated in 20 years is no excuse for your bonkers behaviour. Being ‘exclusive’ isn’t the same as getting married, just because you commit doesn’t make you obligated to stay in the relationship. I would question why you didn’t agree to exclusivity when you say it’s something you wanted.

I can’t get around him wanting to introduce you to someone he slept with, why? There has to be a reason, either he wants to make you jealous and leverage exclusivity from you or he wants to build a bloody harem. For a situation of 12 weeks, there’s been a lot of drama.

If you are serious about this man, then you both need to stop wasting the other’s time and stop the game playing. I would straight up ask him why he wants you to meet this random woman.

@Sunshine776

He felt upset as I’d said yesterday that I wasn't sure if I trusted him, as he had never lied to me, and did i know how much he cares about me and wants us to have a future together and if there is a wedding he will be joking about this during his wedding speech 🙈.

As a side note, though this sounds adorable and like he is planning a future with you, I would tread very carefully. It all sounds very future faking. No one in their right mind, at the three-month mark, would be thinking marriage or would mention it (for fear of looking like he or she is unhinged) unless they are trying to hook you in. My same poly ex did the same and he never had any intention of marrying. He turned out to be very emotionally manipulative.

I can’t get around him wanting to introduce you to someone he slept with, why? There has to be a reason, either he wants to make you jealous and leverage exclusivity from you or he wants to build a bloody harem. For a situation of 12 weeks, there’s been a lot of drama

The reason is he’s a twat. He was also hoping for a threesome.

@PlatBilledDuckypuss Just because someone can doesn't automatically equate that they would. It reminds me of the thing about a buffet. Just because its all you can eat doesn't mean you eat the lot

Well some people do eat extra even if they aren’t hungry

Why should he turn an opportunity down though?

Can you imagine how hurtful he might have found her refusal to commit- he did ask twice afterall

And anyway there was an opportunity and he took it

😬 I'd have absolutely hated this but tbf I don't think he's done wrong here, it sounds like you've unwittingly gone out of your way to tell him you don't want an exclusive relationship, he gave you so many opportunities to say you wanted to be exclusive and you basically gave the opposite impression.

@Isthisit22 I’m also bothered by the way he’s love bombing about marriage but simultaneously making you insecure by praising and sleeping with other women.

This. With bells.I would take this relationship with a huge pinch of salt because there’s some big red flags waving 🚩. He might turn out ok but I would keep a huge eye on this one.

@Mirabai The reason is he’s a twat. He was also hoping for a threesome.

And what wrong with hoping for a threesome when the OP had told him she just wanted to be FWB’s? Does wanting a theeesome make s guy bad? I don’t think so.

You don't "imply" exclusivity it has to be clearly and definitely stated on both sides. So no, 3 moths of meeting 3-4 times a week would not to me say we were exclusive without a definite spoken agreement.

On the other hand, it doesn't mean you can't.

You don't "imply" exclusivity it has to be clearly and definitely stated on both sides. So no, 3 moths of meeting 3-4 times a week would not to me say we were exclusive without a definite spoken agreement.

Seriously? Who made that rule? If that’s genuinely how dating works these days, then society is in a bad way

Its because of online dating.
You have multiple conversations going on, a few you might date a bit, a couple go somewhere. At some point it is sensible to agree what you want with someone. They could be dating a few other people.
And you might think 3 months dating is the point, they might think 6 months.
Its better to have the conversation.

I'd be more baffled as to why he thought it was a good idea to invite her to his party so you - I assume you meant you as in yourself - can meet each other! What was he hoping to gain from that? A harem of women? A threesome? What was he thinking???

Would, not imply to you, 3 months of dating would imply exclusivity to me.
The Op was quite unaware of what her Mr player friend was doing. I believe they both had quite stark definitions of relationships. If the op's friend thinks the op is marriage material why go sleep with someone else?

You told him you didn’t need to be exclusive though, what was he supposed to take from that? He literally asked you.